By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Orca Winfrey- Talk show host

Jeanie- 26 year old woman who hates men

Sharon- Self-destructive jilted bride

Barry- A nerdy teenager

Suzy- A Christian

ORCA- Hiiiiii! Welcome to the Orca Winfrey Show! Today, break ups, and the songs that get us through them. My first guest is Jeanie. Jeanie here is a 26 year old woman who has been looking for Mr. Right and finding nothing but Mr. Wrongs.

JEANIE- That's right.

ORCA- Must be very painful for you to know that all men are creeps.

JEANIE- It is, Orca. I grew up on the Disney movies, where Prince Charming was only an enchanted nap away. He's a lot harder to find in real life.

ORCA- You had a special song, didn't you? A song that got you through a string of bad break ups.

JEANIE- Yes, Orca. It was prom night, junior year, when Casey Clark left me for the skankiest girl in school. I drove myself home in tears, and all I could get was the oldies station. That's when I heard it.

ORCA- And the song was?

JEANIE- Elton John's "Your Song."

ORCA- (dramatic hand over the heart) I love that song.

JEANIE- Isn't it gorgeous?

ORCA- Oh, honey. Stedman and I danced to it one New Years Eve. It made me feel so in love, I almost agreed to marry him. Almost. I'm not crazy.

JEANIE- Every time a guy broke my heart, from then until this past spring, I would listen to that song over and over. It gave me hope. Only a Prince Charming could write a song like that!

ORCA- You know it, girlfriend. Mm hmm.

JEANIE- It really cheered me up. But then...

ORCA- You let it out, girl. Come on.

JEANIE- Orca, I loved that song. Then, one day, one of my ex's found out what it meant to me. And he left me an answering machine message... telling me... Elton John is gay... and he wrote that song... for a man!

ORCA- Oh, Jeanie. Oh, I'm so sorry you found out that way.

JEANIE- Yeah? Well I'm sorry it's true. It just means that Prince Charming doesn't exist and I'd rather die old and alone than trust another man! Especially you, Elton John!!

ORCA- Jeanie's story is not uncommon. My next guest went through a bad break up when her fiancee left her at the altar. After that humiliation, she sought healing in the lyrics of another jilted woman. Please welcome Sharon.

ORCA- Sharon, tell us about the wedding.

SHARON- Well, Orca, it was everything I dreamed of. Since I was a little girl, I wanted a huge church wedding with pink bridesmaid dresses, lots of chiffon, and Kenny G music. It was perfect... right up until the part when Danny left me at the altar.

ORCA- For whom?

SHARON- My maid of honor!

ORCA- Get out! You gots to be trippin'!

SHARON- It really happened Orca. We have it on video. My cousin Stu sent it in and won on America's Funniest Videos.

ORCA- Something happened later that day to change your life. A song.

SHARON- That's right. I bawled my eyes out for three hours straight. Then, I got in my car... and there was Alanis.

ORCA- Alanis Morrissette.

SHARON- Yes.

ORCA- What was the song?

SHARON- "You Oughta Know."

ORCA- I should? I'm not really a fan.

SHARON- No, Orca. That was the title.

ORCA- Oh, I see.

SHARON- Alanis wrote it when she got dumped by Dave Coulier. You know, the guy from Full House?

ORCA- The cute one?

SHARON- No, that's John Stamos.

ORCA- The one who tells dirty jokes?

SHARON- That's Bob Saget!

ORCA- Wait, you mean the blonde guy inspired a revenge song?

SHARON- I know. Can you believe it? Who would have thought he's a creep.

JEANIE- They're all creeps!

ORCA- Mm hmm, oh you GO girl!

SHARON- That song just spoke to me. When I heard those words, "And every time you speak her name, does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died, till you died, but you're still alive," it really empowered me.

ORCA- When you say it empowered you, what do you mean?

SHARON- Orca, that song was my anthem. I played it over and over in the car, driving from club to club every single night, hooking up with every guy that had decent breath and the means to buy me a drink. I wanted to make him suffer. I wanted him to know what a mess he left when he went away. And every time I scratched my nails down some barfly's back, I wanted him to feel it!

ORCA- Uh huh, you go, girl! How bad did he feel it?

SHARON- Not at all, actually. He and Katie just ignored me, lit a candle for my soul in church, and went about having a family.

ORCA- Well, I bet you got some closure from your partying, right?

SHARON- No. I got knocked up, and ended up marrying the father. His name is Andy, and he's a plumber. I lost my high school sweetheart and all I got was a colicky baby and a plumber.

ORCA- You just let it out, girl, cry all you need.

SHARON- Men are pigs.

JEANIE- Don't say that. It's mean to pigs.

ORCA- Ladies, the sad truth is men aren't immune to heartbreak. Case in point, my next guest, Barry.

ORCA- Hello, Barry. Girls, no hitting.

BARRY- Hi, ladies. I know your pain.

JEANIE- Yeah, right.

BARRY- No, really. I was dating a pom pom girl. Me, the captain of the chemistry olympics team, dating a pom pom girl. It was true love. Then out of the blue she dumped me. Said it was all part of a bet that she could make me into a prom king, and she lost.

SHARON- Sounds like "She's All That."

ORCA- Uh uh, girlfriend. This girl ain't nothin' but a devil woman!

SHARON- No, I mean the movie. "She's All That." These guys make a bet just like Barry's pom pom girl.

ORCA- Ah, I see.

BARRY- Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was humiliated. But then I was listening to pop radio, which I never do because I love NPR, and I heard this song that just SPOKE to me! It was everything I could ever say to Dixie rolled into one catchy tune.

ORCA- And the song was?

BARRY- N'Sync, "Bye Bye Bye."

JEANIE- No way. N'Sync?

BARRY- Oh yeah. Right then and there, I was a fan. I spent the money I was saving for tickets to Leonard Nimoy's poetry reading on all their CD's and a T-shirt. The next day, I knew all the words, and I went straight to her locker to sing it to her.

BARRY- Dance moves and all.

ORCA- I bet that taught her to mess with a guy like you.

BARRY- No. No, not really. She laughed at me. All her friends laughed at me. The whole school was laughing at me. Next thing I knew, the jocks had me in the locker room and gave me the beating of a lifetime. Lasted from just before first period until second - no third lunch block.

ORCA- That must have been horrible.

BARRY- Yeah. I still can't use the restroom sitting down.

ORCA- Our next guest has also felt the painful sting of a break up, and sought solace from her pain in song. Please welcome Suzy.

ORCA- Suzy, you're thirty-two. You've been single all your life, and met with nothing but disaster.

SUZY- That's right.

ORCA- You've been on blind dates. Dated friends. Tried speed dating, and even internet dating.

SUZY- That's right. I even got so desperate as to try e-harmony. They say they can find a match for all but about half a percent of the population.

ORCA- And what happened there?

SUZY- Turns out I'm part of that half a percent.

ORCA- How were you able to deal with all this rejection?

SUZY- Well, Orca, it's never easy. But back in my high school days, I found something that gave me peace.

ORCA- A song!

SUZY- Well, it's called a Psalm. Actually, it's a whole book of Psalms.

ORCA- Which is the Biblical word for... songs.

SUZY- Yeah, kinda. These were songs that the people of Israel sang. Most of them were written by David. All of them are about God.

JEANIE- Psalms, huh? Are they on a CD?

SUZY- Well, no. Not that I know of.

JEANIE- That stinks. I hate reading.

SUZY- Oh, but it's so worth it. There are over 150 Psalms, and there's literally a Psalm for every season.

ORCA- Football? Baseball? Golf? Diet?

SUZY- No, I mean the seasons of life. Whether I feel lonely, ashamed, sad, unloved, I can find a Psalm about that.

SHARON- If all I wanted was depressing poetry, I'd read Emily Dickinson.

BARRY- I love her!

SHARON- You would.

SUZY- It's not depressing. What I mean is, the Psalms teach me that I'm not alone in feeling bad... and I'm really not alone in this world. God is with me. He knows my heartache, and no matter how bad things are, he's never going to leave me. That's more than I can say for any man I've ever known.

BARRY- Hey, judge not!

SUZY- Sorry, Barry. There's comfort in there for evil women too.

BARRY- How about severe rectal injuries?

ORCA- When we come back, we'll talk to a woman who soothed the pain of her divorce through the songs of David Hasselhoff. Back after this.

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Copyright 2006 by Sunday School Dropouts