Christmas Reality Show 2009

By Jack Hall

www.sundayschooldropouts.com

CHARACTERS

Announcer

Santa

The Octomom

Jon Gosselin

Susan Boyle

Richard Heene- Balloon Boy's Dad

Kate Gosselin

Adam Lambert

Christmas music plays over a black stage.

ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Santa's All-Star Celebrity Christmas Special.

Lights up on Santa.

SANTA: Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, America, and welcome back to Santa's All-Star Celebrity Christmas Special. We've come to a very special part of the show, where we celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. That's right, we're actually gonna do a live nativity, right here on national television. Now, naturally, none of my A-list celebrity pals want anything to do with Jesus. But fortunately for us, I found a few folks that don't mind getting Biblical if it gets them on TV. And here's one now.

Octomom, dressed as Mary, enters. She has nine baby dolls in the sash on her costume.

OCTOMOM: The angel told me I would have a baby boy, and they said that his name would be Jesus.

She pulls out a baby.

OCTOMOM: Now which one of you was Jesus?

SANTA: Well, well, it's the Octomom!

OCTOMOM: Hi there, Santa.

SANTA: You sure make a pretty Mary.

OCTOMOM: Well, you know me. I love babies. In fact, I'd love to take this baby Jesus home with me... if I could figure out which one it is. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. (picks one) You're it!

She sets the baby in the manger.

SANTA: I bet it would be no trouble for you to take another one home.

OCTOMOM: Well, it would be just like the Bible story. We'd have to make him sleep outside, because there's no more room inside.

Jon Gosselin enters, dressed in a cool shirt and shades.

JON: Okay, where is this kid?

SANTA: Well, look who's playing Joseph. It's another octo-dad, Jon Gosselin.

JON: I thought you said there was free food.

SANTA: Didn't you get the candy canes in your dressing room?

JON: Candy canes? I specifically asked for Coquille St. Jacque!

Susan Boyle enters, lip synching "Memory."

SANTA: Uh oh! I think we all know who that angel is! It's Susan Boyle!

Jon Gosselin screams when he sees her. The babies in Octomom's costume cry.

OCTOMOM: Thanks, Jon, you woke up five of the babies. Calm down Tito, Jermaine, Randy, Latoya, and Janet. No wait, you're Janet.

SANTA: Have you ever heard a voice like that? It practically says, "I am an angel."

JON: Yeah but her face says, "Nightmare Before Christmas."

Richard Heene, Kate Gosselin (in a beard), and Adam Lambert enter. RIchard and Kate are dressed as kings. Adam is in goth/leather/punk gear.

SANTA: Well, well, look who it is! The three kings. Here's the balloon boy's dad, Richard Heene.

RICHARD: Hey there, Santa. Good to be back on TV.

SANTA: And American Idol runner-up, Adam Lambert. Adam, how do you like being a king?

ADAM: Well, Santa, to tell the truth, I'm not used to being called "king."

SANTA: And who is this royal person with the... is that a fake beard?

JON: Wait! I know that icy, soul-sucking glare anywhere!

Jon rips the beard off Kate.

JON: Kate!

KATE: Where's my money, Jon?

JON: Sorry, I gotta plane to catch!

Jon runs off. Richard pulls a helium-filled balloon out of his robe. He grabs the baby from the manger.

KATE: Jon! The girls all want ponies and the boys want Playstations! Are you listening to me?

Kate chases Jon off.

SANTA: Oh no! This isn't right. The three kings didn't chase Joseph away.

Richard lets go of the balloon.

RICHARD: Oh my goodness! The baby Jesus just took off in that balloon! Call Fox News!

Richard runs away. Kanye runs on.

OCTOMOM: My baby! My baby... I think.

KANYE: Yo yo yo, Santa, this special is totally dope and all, but I jsut gotta my man Charlie Brown done made the greatest Christmas special of all time!

SANTA: Will you get out of here?

Kanye exits.

SANTA: Well, that's our nativity. After these messages, we'll bake some cookies in the kitchen with Mrs. Claus, played by my special guest star--

ADAM: Oooh! Can I play the Missus? Please?

SANTA: Oh, go touch up your guyliner!

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