Wise Men Don't Gripe

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Doris and Gail- Moms shopping for Christmas stuff

Tim, Lyle, and Harvey- The 3 wise men

The setting is the mall. Doris and Gail enter from opposite directions, hauling huge bags of presents. They see each other and stop to talk.

DORIS- Gail!

GAIL- Hey, Doris. How's it going?

DORIS- How does it always go this year?

GAIL- Don't even get me started.

DORIS- I wish I never did start. I've been at it three solid days now.

GAIL- Same here. And as usual, the hottest toys of the season, the ones you can never find? They're on Katie and Ryan's lists.

DORIS- We've spoiled them. We should have never started giving them toys and stuck with clothes.

GAIL- Oh that's no good either. Katie's become brand conscious. If they don't say Gap, she won't touch them.

DORIS- Thanks, Gail, that gives me so much to look forward to with Amanda. It might not be so bad if the crowds weren't so rude and mean!

GAIL- You're not kidding! An old lady almost punched me when I grabbed the action figure her precious grandson HAD to have!

DORIS- You think that's bad? I got flipped off by an old lady for taking the parking space she wanted. Next year, I'm thinking catalogs.

GAIL- I'm thinking for once I should have listened to my husband. He said to do it all online. But noooo... I had to shop for my babies in person. Boy was I a dope.

DORIS- I hate this time of year, Gail! I hate the sales, I hate the lines. I hate the lousy Mariah Carey Christmas album they play over and over and over.

GAIL- You know what I hate? That stupid movie with the kid and the BB gun.

DORIS- Oh, I know! I wanna shoot his eye out myself.

GAIL- We go through all this trouble, and for what? Because a couple so-called wise men once brought gifts to the baby Jesus?

DORIS- If only they knew the kind of trouble they'd cause for future generations, they would have thought twice.

Dreamy harp music plays, signaling a change in scene. The three wise man enter. Lyle has frankincense, Harvey has gold, and Tim has myrrh.

LYLE- Man, can you believe the price of Frankincense? It goes up every year.

HARVEY- Tell me about it. I have to get it for Doreen every year. She loves the stuff, not that she ever wears it.

TIM- I don't know what you're complaining about. Frankincense is peanuts next to myrrh.

HARVEY- Oh spare me, both of you. You throw out a few bucks here and there for spices, while I have to shell out the money for gold.

LYLE- Wait, you spent money on gold? I thought all your money was in gold!.

HARVEY- It is, but you can't give gold bars as a gift! You have to convert it to coin, and the exchange rate is killer.

TIM- Well, look at it this way. A little baby's not gonna be able to pick up a hunk of gold.

LYLE- Where as coins can be put in his mouth and cause him to choke.

HARVEY- Honestly, why are we even fooling with these lousy gifts? What does a baby care about frankincense and myrrh?

TIM- He'll like the gold, though. It's shiny.

LYLE- And bite size.

HARVEY- I still say we should have picked up a blanket, a teddy bear, and a passy.

TIM- No, no, no, this is the Messiah, the king of the Jews, the son of God. The prophet Daniel told us about his coming, and we have to bring gifts fit for a king.

HARVEY- This Messiah hunt is really draining my bank account. I just hope we're following the right star this time.

LYLE- That's a good point. Are you positive this is the star?

TIM- Pretty positive this time.

HARVEY- What do you mean pretty positive? You remember what happened the last time we followed a star of yours? We ended up in the middle of a land war in Asia.

TIM- Oh yeah, haha. That was fun.

HARVEY- Fun for you guys. That angry horde that ambushed us wanted nothing to do with your spices. Only my gold!

TIM- I already checked, and there hasn't been a war or uprising in Israel in years. We'll be safe as kittens.

LYLE- Israel? We're going all the way to Israel with these gifts?

TIM- Oh come on, guys. Where's your sense of adventure? I'm reasonably certain this will be the last trip.

HARVEY- It better be. Or next time you think you've found the Messiah, I'm sending gift certificates!

The kings exit.

GAIL- Look at us, Doris. We say that Christmas is about giving gifts to those we love, but we treat it like a painful chore. I bet the wise men never thought of it that way.

DORIS- The wise men never shopped on Black Friday.

GAIL- True. But they had focus on a star, and the newborn king.

DORIS- And what do we focus on?

GAIL- The sales fliers in the Thanksgiving day paper.

DORIS- Maybe the problem's not the old ladies and the lines. The problem is us.

GAIL- There's wisdom in that, Doris. Time to get our focus back on what's important.

Doris and Gail exit. The kings enter.

LYLE- How amazing. The word of a prophet hundreds of years ago has come to pass, and we were witnesses.

TIM- I can't believe it! The Messiah!

HARVEY- I can't believe it either. Your star charts were right on.

TIM- Thanks to a little help from you guys.

LYLE- It's pretty amazing to think that tiny baby is the son of God. And we saw him! Right here on Earth.

TIM- Everything's gonna chance now, fellas.

HARVEY- For the best, old friend. For the best.

The kings exit.

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