Wifely Duty

Dedicated to Hillary Clinton and the wives of the disgraced politicians everywhere

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Susan- A first lady

Marshall- A lawyer

The First Lady

Announcer

A Page

The Politician

Don sits at a desk far stage right. His phone buzzes. He answers.

DON: Hello?... Please send her in.

Susan enters.

SUSAN: Mr. Marshall? I’m Susan—

DON: I know who you are. It’s an honor to meet the first lady of our fair state. Won’t you sit down?

SUSAN: Thank you.

DON: What can I do for you?

SUSAN: Well, you’ve heard the news, I’m sure. My husband cheated on me.

DON: Yes.

SUSAN: This wasn’t the first time. He’s been doing it for years, and I’ve tried to be the good wife. But there’s only so much a woman can take. I want a divorce, and I want it before he can make me stand by his side at another press conference.

DON: Madam First Lady, I certainly understand your pain. I talk to five women a week who have caught their husbands cheating, just like you. That said… I must advise you to stand by your man.

SUSAN: I can’t do that!

DON: You can, and you must!

SUSAN: Why?

DON: Because you’re the first lady. Because you have a wifely duty. And because… well, here. Let’s take a look at this educational film/

SUSAN: You have an educational film on cheating husbands?

DON: Not just cheating husbands. Here, watch this.

Cheesy educational film music plays. The First Lady enters.

ANNOUNCER: Hello, Madam First Lady. Off for another day of charity work?

The First Lady nods.

ANNOUNCER: I guess you haven’t seen today’s headlines.

A Page hands the First Lady a newspaper.

ANNOUNCER: Oh no! Your husband has been caught in another scandal. What is it this time? Hookers? Interns? Homosexual encounters? Boy scouts? No matter what the scandal, rest assured you can get through this with three easy steps.

The Politician enters, walks up to a podium.

ANNOUNCER: Step one, when your husband gives his press conference put on a nice, conservative dress. That one will do. Step two, when he gives his speech, stand right by his side.

The First Lady walks over, stands by her man.

ANNOUNCER: Step three, as he speaks, nod, but don’t smile. Don’t say a word to the press verbally, but speak volumes with the adoring looks you cast at your husband.

FIRST LADY: That’s it?

ANNOUNCER: That’s all.

FIRST LADY: He cheated on me! Shouldn’t I divorce him?

ANNOUNCER: Hold on just a moment! If you divorce him, the same moral people condemning him for having his affair will be on you like white on rice. You have to stay married.

FIRST LADY: But won’t people wonder if I respect myself?

ANNOUNCER: The more important question is, do you still respect your husband?

FIRST LADY: No.

A buzzer sounds.

ANNOUNCER: Wrong answer! You must always respect your husband, or else the voters may lose confidence, and the media may turn on him.

FIRST LADY: But what about me? What about my future?

ANNOUNCER: Don’t be so selfish. And remember, everything you have is because of that philandering husband of yours. The perks, the gifts, the power, the fame, it’s all because you married a powerful man. He is your whole world, and you can’t afford to lose him.

FIRST LADY: But what about my own career in politics or business?

ANNOUNCER: Good question. Divorce him, and you can kiss that open Congressional seat or book deal goodbye. But if you do your duty, you will be rewarded.

FIRST LADY: Well, when you put it that way, it does sound like my best option.

ANNOUNCER: Of course it does. Your husband needs you more than ever. So hold your head and be proud while he sets the record straight.

POLITICIAN: Yes, I paid for those underage hookers. Yes I took them across state lines, murdered them with a hammer, and buried them in the backyard behind my wife’s childhood home. But I will survive this scandal with the help of my pastor, and my adoring wife.

The First Lady winks at the audience. A “ding” sounds.

ANNOUNCER: Way to do your wifely duty!