Virgin in the Room

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Carrie and Leigh- Promiscuous young ladies

Fred- A virgin

[This skit is based on a TRUE story that happened to our friend John Cosper in his college days. Even though this situation did actually happen (to an extent), he wasn’t so sure this would be palatable to his usual clients at Righteous Insanity, so he was kind enough to share it with us.]

The setting is a break room in a grocery store. Fred is sitting alone, eating a sack lunch. Carrie enters with her own lunch and sits at the next table over.

CARRIE: Hey, Fred.

FRED: Hi, Carrie.

CARRIE: How's it going? Still treating you well up front?

FRED: So far, so good.

Leigh enters, obviously distressed, and sits beside Carrie. Fred is angled away from the two, but he can't help overhearing and reacting facially to the shocking conversation as it takes place.

CARRIE: Good to know.

LEIGH: Well, it's official. I'm pregnant.

CARRIE: Oh no.

LEIGH: Went to the doctor this morning. I'm due in July.

CARRIE: I can't believe it.

LEIGH: Me neither.

CARRIE: You were on the pill this time, right?

LEIGH: Yeah. But then I got sick, and the stupid doctor gave me an antibiotic. Then stupid me gets drunk with Matt.

CARRIE: Matt? The cute guy in Produce?

LEIGH: No, the new guy in the Pharmacy.

CARRIE: Man, he is cute!

LEIGH: Yep. And now he's going to be a daddy.

CARRIE: Have you told him?

LEIGH: No. But I don't expect it to go any better than the first two did.

CARRIE: Eric and Drew were both immature.

LEIGH: Matt's no better, trust me. I'm gonna have three kids under one roof with one mom and three different daddies.

CARRIE: And I thought I had it bad.

LEIGH: You? Please. VD is nothing these days. A couple of shots and you were back to normal.

CARRIE: It's my own stupid fault. I know I should insist guys use protection, but they always go, "Well, you're on the pill."

LEIGH: As if that can prevent disease. How stupid are they?

CARRIE: No stupider than we are for believing their lies. "If you love me, you won't make me wear one."

LEIGH: Oh I got a better one. "It's a sign that you trust me."

CARRIE: "Yes, I'll call you tomorrow."

LEIGH: "I'll love you forever."

CARRIE: "I love you, Carrie. I want to spend the rest of my life with..." (fights back a tear) I'm sorry. I'm still getting over Glen. Why is it they can give you a shot for VD, but they can’t give you one for your heart?

LEIGH: I don’t know.

CARRIE: He’s such a pig. All men are all pigs. No offense, Fred.

FRED: Hmm? Oh, none taken.

CARRIE: I'm sure you would never hurt a girl like that, right?

LEIGH: He's a man, Carrie. He'll do it.

FRED: I can assure you, I will never hurt a girl the way that guy did Carrie.

LEIGH: Really? How do you know?

FRED: Because I'm saving myself for one woman, my wife. You do that, no way you do the dumb things other guys do.

The girls are in shock at this statement.

CARRIE: Did you just say you're saving yourself?

FRED: Yep.

CARRIE: For marriage?

FRED: Yep.

LEIGH: But you have done it, right?

FRED: Had sex? Nope.

LEIGH: Never?

FRED: Never.

CARRIE: Never ever??

FRED: The most I've ever done is kiss a girl.

LEIGH: (condescending) Aww, we have a virgin in the room!

Carrie and Leigh laugh at this.

FRED: What's so funny?

CARRIE: Are you kidding? You're a virgin!!

FRED: So?

LEIGH: Sweet little virgin Fred never had sex. That's so cute.

CARRIE: What's wrong with you, Fred? You gay or something?

FRED: No!!

LEIGH: Because it's okay with us if you are.

FRED: I'm not gay.

CARRIE: Then why aren't you out knockin' boots with girls?

FRED: Because I believe sex should be saved for marriage.

LEIGH: Why would anyone think that any more?

FRED: Because it's what God says.

CARRIE: Aww, virgin doesn’t want to make God angry.

FRED: And because of all the bad things that can happen to you if you don't wait.

LEIGH: Please, sex never did me any harm. I've been having sex since I was fourteen.

CARRIE: Thirteen right here.

LEIGH: Sounds to me like someone needs to get a life.

FRED: Hey, preggo, reality check here. Who’s the one building her collection of baby’s daddys? That would be you. Meanwhile, I’m getting an education and pursuing a career so that one day, I can be a real daddy to my babies.

CARRIE: Uh oh, virgin’s getting preachy!

FRED: At least I’m not getting sicky from my latest one night stand. Oh yeah, that’s one more thing I don’t need to worry about if I wait until I get married.

LEIGH: (offended) You know? I think I know why you're really a virgin. It's because you're lame!

CARRIE: Yeah, and what do you know about sex anyway? You're a virgin!

FRED: Yeah, and lame or not, I'm gonna stay that way until the day I get married.

LEIGH: Good for you, virgin!

CARRIE: See ya later, virgin!

Fred exits.

CARRIE: Wow. That guy is really tense.

LEIGH: He needs to get laid, badly!

Home Contact Us