Everyone's
A Victim
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Elaine- A
spokeswoman
Charlie- A
dead beat
Janet- An
adulterer
Todd- A
dirty crook
Chris- A
Christian
Elaine
enters.
ELAINE: Is your
life spinning out of control? Are you under indictment, or possibly the subject
of a civil suit? Has your world come crashing down as a result of poor choices
on your part? Well you listen to me, friend: it's not your fault. This is not
your father's country. This is America in the 21st century, and we at Assurance
Incorporated want you to know, whatever problems you have, they're not your
fault. Our personal and legal counselors are on hand 24 hours a day to help you
talk through your problems. We'll help you shift the blame away from yourself
and put it where it belongs: on someone else. It doesn't matter who you are or
what you may have done. At Assurance Incorporated, you're always the victim.
Here's one of our clients now.
Charlie
enters.
CHARLIE:
Hello.
ELAINE:
Good morning, sir. What seems to be the trouble?
CHARLIE:
Well, I got caught driving with a suspended license again.
ELAINE: Oh
you poor dear!
CHARLIE:
Yeah. I've had three DUI's, which led to the suspension, and I can't pay
the fines because I lost my job.
ELAINE: You
were laid off?
CHARLIE:
No, I failed a drug test.
ELAINE: Oh
there there now, sir, you didn't fail.
CHARLIE: I
didn't?
ELAINE: Not
at all. It's the system that's to blame.
CHARLIE:
The system?
ELAINE:
That's right. You obviously never learned about the dangers of alcohol and
drugs as a child.
CHARLIE:
Well, no, my school had a pretty good anti-drug program.
ELAINE:
Then it was your parents.
CHARLIE:
No, they told me to say no to drugs too.
ELAINE:
Listen to yourself: they said no. No is a terrible word. It's death to a child.
CHARLIE: It
is?
ELAINE: Oh,
sir, you don't even know how much of a victim you are.
CHARLIE:
Apparently not.
ELAINE: But
don't you worry. You're not alone, and we're here to make sure that no one
makes you pay for a crime you didn't commit.
Janet
enters.
CHARLIE:
Well, but I did... I mean, I thought I did...
ELAINE:
Hold that thought, sir. I see another victim coming. Hello, ma'am. What can I
do for you?
Charlie
steps to the side.
JANET:
Well, heh, I could use a good divorce attorney.
ELAINE: Oh
no. What has that insensitive man done to you?
JANET:
Nothing. That's the problem. That's why I went and had an affair with the
neighbor.
ELAINE: Oh
my.
JANET: And
the plumber. And the pool guy. And the guy at the liquor store. And my
husband's best friend from high school.
ELAINE: You
poor dear. That wicked man drove you to the arms of another.
JANET: Who
did?
ELAINE:
Your husband, of course.
JANET:
Really?
ELAINE: Of
course he's not the only one to blame. Let's not leave out your father. If he
had loved you more, you wouldn't be so desperate for the affections of another
man. Isn't that true?
JANET:
Well, I... I don't know.
ELAINE:
Think hard. Your father didn't give you what you needed, did he?
JANET:
Well, now that you mention it, he got me a used car instead of that new one
when I turned sixteen.
ELAINE: You
poor dear. Another victim made to feel guilty by an oppressive system.
JANET: Is
she kidding?
CHARLIE:
Hey, I say go with it.
Todd
enters. Janet steps over beside Charlie.
ELAINE:
Here comes another one. Hello, sir. What has the world done to you?
TODD: I'll
tell you what it's done. It's made me feel like a criminal, just because I made
a tiny little error on my taxes.
ELAINE: A
tiny error.
TODD:
That's right.
ELAINE: How
tiny?
TODD: Eh,
quarter of a million dollars.
ELAINE: My
goodness. Is there no end to their bureaucratic greed?
TODD: Tell
me about it. I mean I can't be accountable for every penny, right?
ELAINE: No,
sir!
TODD: And
the whole thing about employing illegals, failing to pay social security tax,
and the stock tips I got... is it my fault I've been successful?
ELAINE: No,
sir! But it is the system's fault for making you feel ashamed over a few tiny
mistakes.
TODD: I
thought so.
ELAINE: Oh
it's just heart breaking, isn't it folks? To see how so many people have become
victims in this day and age.
Todd
steps beside Janet.
TODD: (to
Janet) Hello there.
JANET: (smiling)
Hello yourself.
Chris
enters.
ELAINE:
Look, here comes another one. Hello, sir. How can I grieve with you?
CHRIS:
Well, I'll tell you, it's been a rough couple years for me.
ELAINE: I
understand, sir. You go ahead and let it out.
CHRIS:
First off, I'm tired of the way lawyers and politicians are repressing my right
to freedom of religion. You can't pray in public. Can't display a nativity. And
if you run a non-profit ministry, the government sends the vultures to look
over your shoulder, seeking any excuse they can to shut you down.
ELAINE: Is
that so?
CHRIS: Oh
yeah. And they want to tell us how to raise our kids too. My wife and I would
rather home school, but now the state's trying to stop us from doing that. I
don't want my kids in public school. I want to raise them to have the same
faith I do. To be men and women of the faith who will stand for what they
believe.
ELAINE:
Would you excuse me a moment? (walks to the other victims) Everyone?
You know how I said you were all victims of a oppressive system? (points
at Chris) That's the guy who's been oppressing you!
Charlie,
Janet, and Todd attack Chris, screaming and yelling and blaming him. They lift
him up and carry him out as he screams for help and protests.
ELAINE:
Assurance Incorporated: defending the indefensible in world full of victims.
Copyright
2009 by Righteous Insanity