St Valentines Day Massacre

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Mike- A whipped boyfriend

Aaron- A wise friend to Mike

Seven gangsters

Three “cops”

Two gunmen in civilian clothes

Bugs Moran- Gangster

Kelsi- Mike’s girlfriend

Aaron is on stage, doing weight exercises with dumbbells. Mike enters. He is wearing a Detroit Red Wings jersey.

MIKE- Aaron!! Thank goodness you’re here! I’m in a crisis! I need a favor, and I need it fast!!

AARON- Whoa, Mike, slow down, buddy.

MIKE- Sorry, I’m just desperate. My car broke down, and I’ve got 30 minutes to get to a florist.

AARON- What’s the occasion, headed to a funeral?

MIKE- Taking Kelsi out for Valentines.

AARON- Like I said, headed for a funeral.

MIKE- Aaron, please, I don’t have anything for her, and if she doesn’t get roses and candy, I’m a dead man.

AARON- Oh, Mikey, don’t you see? You already are a dead man.

MIKE- Not if I get to the florist on time!

AARON- No, no… the fact you’re going in for this bloody holiday says you are a dead man. Don’t you know anything about St. Valentines Day?

MIKE- Sure I do! In ancient times, people believed the birds began to couple on St. Valentine’s Day, and used it as an occasion to write love letters.

AARON- Oh my dear, deceived friend. That’s such a wicked lie. We exchange roses and candy because of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.

MIKE- The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre?

AARON- That’s right. Before 1929, St. Valentine’s Day was another innocuous day on the calendar. But on February 14^th of that year, something happened that changed life for boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands forever.

MIKE- What happened?

Bugs Moran’s men enter at stage left in a flashback, loitering and looking shifty.

AARON- It all went down in a warehouse, the old S-M-C Cartage Company on North Clark Street. That morning, six men working for the notorious gangster Bugs Moran met, waiting for a truck of hijacked whiskey to arrive from Detroit. A seventh man, Moran’s mechanic, was also there working on Moran’s truck. Moran himself was late to the meeting, which turned out to be a huge stroke of luck.

The cops and plain-clothes men enter with machine guns. Using the guns, they direct the gangsters to line up along the back wall upstage.

AARON- Shortly before his arrival, a black and white arrived on the scene. Three men in cop uniforms and two in civilian clothes entered the warehouse. And then—

The cops and plain-clothes men gun down the seven men in a prolonged hail of gunfire. Optional: have the seven victims rigged with squibs and exploding blood packets. When his name is mentioned, Bugs Moran enters.

AARON- The five men went back to their car and drove away. Bugs only survived the incident because he happened to see the police car pull up outside the building. Surveying the damage, he came to one conclusion.

BUGS- Only Al Capone kills like this!

AARON- Indeed, it was Al Capone who ordered the hit, a bloody incident so heinous that it was often seen as the beginning of the end for the Robin Hood of 1920’s Chicago.

MIKE- That’s quite a story. But what does that have to do with me?

AARON- Don’t you get it? Look at yourself! You’re standing with your back to the wall just like Johnny May, Al Weinshank, and their five colleagues, and Kelsi’s the girl with the machine gun!

MIKE- No she’s not!

AARON- (smacks Mike on the side of the head) Wake up! This girl’s gonna make you bleed just like Al Capone’s men! I mean why do you think girls demand red roses? It symbolizes the blood shed on the warehouse floor!

MIKE- And the chocolates?

AARON- Symbolizes the alcohol they were there to receive.

MIKE- It does?

AARON- Yeah. It was prohibition.

MIKE- What about stuffed animals?

AARON- Johnny May had a dog.

MIKE- Poor creature.

The gangsters stand. Kelsi enters with a machine gun.

AARON- I know the stories about the birds, and it’s a lovely image. But let’s face it, St. Valentine’s Day isn’t about lovers…

Kelsi guns down the gangsters, then exits.

AARON- It’s about bloodshed.

MIKE- Aaron, I don’t know what to say. Thank you for opening my eyes.

AARON- You still want to go to the florist?

MIKE- No thanks, Aaron. I think I can handle this.

Blackout. Music plays, then the lights come up. The stage is cleared, except for a sign that says "Two hours later." Mike and Kelsi are at center. Kelsi’s arms are folded in disgust.

KELSI- I don’t believe it! It’s Valentine’s Day, and you come to get me empty handed?

MIKE- Kelsi, don’t be mad. I just don’t see why my expressions of love for you should be limited to one day a year. I should prove I love you EVERY day. Right?

KELSI- Well... I suppose that’s true.

MIKE- Of course it is. You know I love you, right?

KELSI- I love you too.

Kelsi hugs Mike.

MIKE- Aww.

KELSI- And even though you didn’t get me anything… I got a little something for you.

MIKE- You did?

KELSI- You can go grab it while I get my purse from upstairs.

MIKE- What did you get me?

KELSI- What do you think I got? It’s chocolate.

MIKE- Chocolate?

KELSI- A milk chocolate replica of your favorite sports team’s logo: the Detroit Red Wings!

MIKE- Detroit??

KELSI- And it’s out back in the garage on top of Daddy’s truck.

MIKE- Truck?!?!?

KELSI- Just watch out for the dog when you’re out there.

MIKE- OH NO!! You’re not pull that one on me, Capone!

Mike storms out.

KELSI- What is wrong with you? Gosh, that boy bugs me.

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