St Valentines Day Massacre
By Jack & Gretchen Hall
CHARACTERS
Mike- A whipped boyfriend
Aaron- A wise friend to
Mike
Seven
gangsters
Three
“cops”
Two gunmen
in civilian clothes
Bugs Moran- Gangster
Kelsi- Mike’s girlfriend
Aaron
is on stage, doing weight exercises with dumbbells. Mike enters. He is wearing
a Detroit Red Wings jersey.
MIKE- Aaron!! Thank
goodness you’re here! I’m in a crisis! I need a favor, and I need it fast!!
AARON- Whoa, Mike, slow
down, buddy.
MIKE- Sorry, I’m just
desperate. My car broke down, and I’ve got 30 minutes to get to a florist.
AARON- What’s the occasion,
headed to a funeral?
MIKE- Taking Kelsi out for
Valentines.
AARON- Like I said, headed
for a funeral.
MIKE- Aaron, please, I
don’t have anything for her, and if she doesn’t get roses and candy, I’m a dead
man.
AARON- Oh, Mikey, don’t you
see? You already are a dead man.
MIKE- Not if I get to the
florist on time!
AARON- No, no… the fact
you’re going in for this bloody holiday says you are a dead man. Don’t you know
anything about St. Valentines Day?
MIKE- Sure I do! In ancient
times, people believed the birds began to couple on St. Valentine’s Day, and
used it as an occasion to write love letters.
AARON- Oh my dear, deceived
friend. That’s such a wicked lie. We exchange roses and candy because of the
St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
MIKE- The St. Valentine’s
Day Massacre?
AARON- That’s right. Before
1929, St. Valentine’s Day was another innocuous day on the calendar. But on
February 14th of that year, something happened that changed life for
boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands forever.
MIKE- What happened?
Bugs Moran’s men enter
at stage left in a flashback, loitering and looking shifty.
AARON- It all went down in
a warehouse, the old S-M-C Cartage Company on North Clark Street. That morning,
six men working for the notorious gangster Bugs Moran met, waiting for a truck
of hijacked whiskey to arrive from Detroit. A seventh man, Moran’s mechanic,
was also there working on Moran’s truck. Moran himself was late to the meeting,
which turned out to be a huge stroke of luck.
The
cops and plain-clothes men enter with machine guns. Using the guns, they direct
the gangsters to line up along the back wall upstage.
AARON- Shortly before his
arrival, a black and white arrived on the scene. Three men in cop uniforms and
two in civilian clothes entered the warehouse. And then—
The
cops and plain-clothes men gun down the seven men in a prolonged hail of
gunfire. Optional: have the seven victims rigged with squibs and exploding
blood packets. When his name is mentioned, Bugs Moran enters.
AARON- The five men went
back to their car and drove away. Bugs only survived the incident because he
happened to see the police car pull up outside the building. Surveying the
damage, he came to one conclusion.
BUGS- Only Al Capone kills
like this!
AARON- Indeed, it was Al
Capone who ordered the hit, a bloody incident so heinous that it was often seen
as the beginning of the end for the Robin Hood of 1920’s Chicago.
MIKE- That’s quite a story.
But what does that have to do with me?
AARON- Don’t you get it?
Look at yourself! You’re standing with your back to the wall just like Johnny
May, Al Weinshank, and their five colleagues, and Kelsi’s the girl with the
machine gun!
MIKE- No she’s not!
AARON- (smacks Mike on
the side of the head)
Wake up! This girl’s gonna make you bleed just like Al Capone’s men! I mean why
do you think girls demand red roses? It symbolizes the blood shed on the warehouse
floor!
MIKE- And the chocolates?
AARON- Symbolizes the
alcohol they were there to receive.
MIKE- It does?
AARON- Yeah. It was
prohibition.
MIKE- What about stuffed
animals?
AARON- Johnny May had a
dog.
MIKE- Poor creature.
The gangsters stand.
Kelsi enters with a machine gun.
AARON- I know the stories
about the birds, and it’s a lovely image. But let’s face it, St. Valentine’s
Day isn’t about lovers…
Kelsi guns down the
gangsters, then exits.
AARON- It’s about
bloodshed.
MIKE- Aaron, I don’t know
what to say. Thank you for opening my eyes.
AARON- You still want to go
to the florist?
MIKE- No thanks, Aaron. I
think I can handle this.
Blackout.
Music plays, then the lights come up. The stage is cleared, except for a sign
that says "Two hours later." Mike and Kelsi are at center. Kelsi’s
arms are folded in disgust.
KELSI- I don’t believe it!
It’s Valentine’s Day, and you come to get me empty handed?
MIKE- Kelsi, don’t be mad.
I just don’t see why my expressions of love for you should be limited to one
day a year. I should prove I love you EVERY day. Right?
KELSI- Well... I suppose
that’s true.
MIKE- Of course it is. You
know I love you, right?
KELSI- I love you too.
Kelsi hugs Mike.
MIKE- Aww.
KELSI- And even though you
didn’t get me anything… I got a little something for you.
MIKE- You did?
KELSI- You can go grab it
while I get my purse from upstairs.
MIKE- What did you get me?
KELSI- What do you think I
got? It’s chocolate.
MIKE- Chocolate?
KELSI- A milk chocolate
replica of your favorite sports team’s logo: the Detroit Red Wings!
MIKE- Detroit??
KELSI- And it’s out back in
the garage on top of Daddy’s truck.
MIKE- Truck?!?!?
KELSI- Just watch out for
the dog when you’re out there.
MIKE- OH NO!! You’re not
pull that one on me, Capone!
Mike storms out.
KELSI- What is wrong with
you? Gosh, that boy bugs me.
Copyright
2005 by Sunday School Dropouts