Unwanted Gifts

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Jesus

Lucy- A pyro-Christian

Frankie- A homophobic Christian

Wayne- A big church Christian

Jenny- A teenage Christian

Hannah- A little girl and new Christian

Jesus walks on stage to center, turns to the audience. He is dressed in modern clothes, so the audience doesn't know who he is right away.

JESUS- Do you ever come down stairs Christmas morning, open your presents... and find a bunch of junk? You know what I'm talking about. The electronic tie organizer. The dish towels that don't go with the new decor. Or maybe as a kid you asked for the Malibu Barbie... and instead got that cheap, dollar store version, Myrtle Beach Barbra. I know how you feel. Believe me! You wouldn't believe the kind of gifts my children give me.

Lucy enters, holding a duffel bag.

LUCY- Dear Lord, thank you for the tools and resources you have given me, and the great mind for science. I pray that you will bless the worl of my hands. And bless this bomb, Lord. May it blow that new baby-killing clinic sky high, and be a lesson to anyone that would try to kill a baby.

Lucy exits.

JESUS- See what I mean? Just like Uncle Walt, who thought you really needed that fur cover for the barbecue grill... she MEANS well... But as much as I'd love to see the end of abortion, I have no desire for other people to be killed in my name! I get that kind of gift a lot.

Frankie enters with his shot gun.

FRANKIE- As our beloved pastor once said, on the eighth day, the Lord created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that man could hunt the dinosaurs... and the homosexuals. Bless this semi-automatic, Lord, and make my aim straight as I plan to go shoot that gay boy next door what looked at my son Junior all funny. And prepare a place for him in the darkness of Hell.

Frankie exits.

JESUS- "Bless this semi-automatic, so I can commit the sin of murder in your name." You know, the gospels say specifically that I gave MY life for the sins of the whole world so that the people might live. I guess I wasn't explicit enough in demonstrating how my children should deal with the sins of others?

Wayne enters.

WAYNE- Oh, Lord, we humbly come before you, and ask your blessings on this new building. I know it's a bit bigger than we need, but with a double gymnasium, six racquetball courts, a quarter-mile track, a movie theater, a pool room, a bookstore, and a food court, it'll be the perfect place for our little family to grow, safe and away from the world.

Wayne exits.

JESUS- Yeah... What part of GO and TELL was I not clear on? Not that I would deny my children a place to fellowship together, but how many more mouths could be fed, backs clothed, and souls nourished if we built a few less racquetball courts in my name? Just a thought.

Jenny enters.

JENNY- Lord, bless this mission trip to Hawaii. And while we're all lying out on the beach, may we all draw closer to you.

Jenny exits.

JESUS- I'd love nothing better than to draw closer to you... too bad that's not the REAL reason you and your youth group are headed to the beach on your so-called "mission trip." It doesn't end there. Computer systems installed in my name become filled with porn. Schools built in my name open their doors to all children... who happen to be ONE color. "Bless your satellite TV." "Bless your new lighting system that we bought to replace one from six months ago." "Bless your new Mercedes that I'm going to drive?" (shakes his head) I could go on and on, the gifts people give in my name. But just like you, there are gifts I could live without... and some gifts that I really long for. I'm not a hard person to please, believe me. But if only more people would ask me first...

Hannah enters. She addresses Jesus directly.

HANNAH- Jesus? Please take my heart, and give me a new life. And please show my friend Amber when she comes to church that you love her too.

Jesus crouches beside Hannah.

JESUS- This world would be a better place.

Jesus hugs Hannah. Blackout.

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