Truth is Relative

By Jack Hall

www.sundayschooldropouts.com

CHARACTERS

Gary- A skeptical TV host

Jim- Gary's neighbor

A Doctor

A Cop

The stage is set like a talk show. Gary sits at a desk. A couch is beside the desk.

GARY: Hello, and welcome to Truth is Relative, the show dedicated to the proving once and for all that truth is, in fact, relative. What's true for you is not true for me, and by the time this show is over, I'm going to prove it. Please welcome my first guest, my neighbor Jim.

Jim enters. He sits on the couch next to Gary.

GARY: Hi there, Jim.

JIM: Hi, Gary. Thanks for having me.

GARY: Jim is here to help me with a little demonstration. We're going to prove that truth is relative. Are you ready?

JIM: Absolutely.

Gary pulls out a gun.

GARY: Jim, what am I holding in my hand?

JIM: That would be a handgun.

GARY: Are you sure this is a handgun?

JIM: Well, it looks like one.

GARY: It does, but Jim, a lot of things can take this shape. Like cigarette lighters.

JIM: Cigarette lighters shaped like handguns.

GARY: Are they cigarette lighters shaped like handguns? Or are handguns shaped like cigarette lighters?

JIM: I'm pretty sure it's cigarette lighters shaped like handguns.

GARY: Careful, Jim. Don't push your values on me.

JIM: Sorry.

GARY: Now, Jim, if I aimed this undefined object at someone and pulled the trigger, what would happen?

JIM: It would fire a bullet into their body.

GARY: Goodness, that might kill someone... if that was the truth.

JIM: It is the truth, Gary.

GARY: No no, Jim! Keep your value judgments to yourself.

JIM: It's not a value judgment. A gun is a deadly weapon.

GARY: Who said it was a gun?

JIM: It's a gun!

GARY: Only if you believe it to be true.

JIM: Who doesn't believe that?

GARY: I don't.

JIM: I do!

GARY: Let's agree to disagree.

JIM: No!

GARY: Listen, Jim, this is not a gun, and it is not at all dangerous to another human being.

JIM: That's not true.

GARY: It's true to me.

JIM: All right then. Prove it!

GARY: Very well. I'm going to fire this gun at Jim, and it will not kill him.

JIM: What the--

Gary shoots Jim. Jim dies. Gary screams.

GARY: Oh! Oh my, that, uh... Wow. I did not expect that. Jim? Jim, can you hear me? JIM!!! Oh boy, uh... well, I'm not sure what just happened. But I know, because truth is relative, that this is not a handgun, and Jim is not dead. I know this because I define my own truth, and the truth is--

A doctor rushes on.

DOCTOR: What happened? I was in the next studio, and I heard a gunshot.

GARY: Well it didn't come from in here, because this is not a gun.

DOCTOR: Sure looks like one. touches Jim's neck) This man is dead.

GARY: No he's not.

DOCTOR: Did you kill him?

GARY: Don't be ridiculous.

DOCTOR: You're holding the gun.

GARY: No I'm not.

DOCTOR: He's been shot in the chest at point blank range.

GARY: No he hasn't!

DOCTOR: What are you, some kind of nut? Face facts, the man is dead.

GARY: Don't enforce your values on me.

DOCTOR: Values, shmalues. This boy's join the choir triumphant.

GARY: I don't believe in heaven either!

A Cop enters.

COP: Someone fire a gun in here?

GARY: I'm afraid there's been a mistake. This is not a gggg-

The Cop knocks the gun out of Gary's hand and tackles him to the ground.

COP: You're under arrest, sir.

GARY: For what?

COP: Murder one.

GARY: I didn't murder anybody!

COP: You just shot that guy.

GARY: I did not!

COP: You had the gun in your hands.

GARY: That's not a gun!

COP: You're a murderer.

GARY: Don't enforce your values on me!

The Cop lifts Gary to his feet.

COP: I'll let the other fellas in county do that.

GARY: Well, folks, as you can see, we have a long way to go before we can live in a society where everyone respects everyone else's values.

COP: Oh, knock it off.

GARY: Say no to intolerance! Choose your own truth.

COP: Okay then. This won't hurt a bit

The Cop whacks Gary in the head.

GARY: Owww, that did hurt!

COP: No it didn't!

The Cop drags Gary off.

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