My Daughter-in-Law Is a Tramp
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Jeremiah Springer- Talk show host
Judah
Tamar
Bubba & Bertha- Audience members
Audience members
Crowd cheers, chanting
"Jerry! Jerry!" as lights come up on a talk show set. Jeremiah
Springer is in the audience with a microphone. Judah is on stage.
JEREMIAH- If you're just
joining us today, our topic is "My Daughter-in-Law is a dirty tramp, and
needs to be stoned." Please say hello to our next guest, Judah!
Audience claps.
JEREMIAH- Now, Judah,
you're a successful shepherd. You're a good husband and a father. Tell us about
your daughter-in-law.
JUDAH- Well, I had me three
sons by my beautiful wife Shirley: Er, Onan, and my little buddy Shelah. Er
grew up, and I commence to find him hottie of a wife, Tamar, who is a dirty,
dirty tramp.
Audience
"ooohs" disapprovingly of Tamar.
JEREMIAH- So how did we
learn Tamar was a tramp?
JUDAH- Well, Er and Tamar
weren't married too long afore Er died under mysterious circumstances, know
what I'm sayin'? So I hook her up with Onan, so's his brother's line would not
end. Then Onan kicks the bucket under mysterious circumstances.
JEREMIAH- Wow, tough stuff.
So what did you do them?
JUDAH- Well, law says I
should give her my buddy Shelah, but I ain't havin' none of that. I told that
woman she best dress in black and live out her days as a widow.
JEREMIAH- I see. And did
she?
JUDAH- Heck no! That little
hussy turned up six months after Onan did, pregnant!
Audience "ooohs"
again.
JEREMIAH- How do you
suppose that happened?
JUDAH- How else? She done
been prostitutin' herself all over Canaan!
Audience
"ooohs" again.
JEREMIAH- Wow, she does
sound like a tramp.
JUDAH- Darn right, a dirty,
dirty tramp!
JEREMIAH- Let's bring that
dirty tramp out here. Tamar? Come on out!
Tamar enters. The
audience boos. Tamar yells back.
TAMAR- You don't know me!
You can't judge me!
JEREMIAH- Tamar, Judah,
your father-in-law has leveled some harsh accusations. Now we can all see
you're pregnant.
TAMAR- That's right. I'm
havin' a baby!
Audience boos again.
JEREMIAH- Is it true you're
a prostitute?
TAMAR- Yes, but I only did
it once.
JUDAH- What I tell ya?
She's a dirty tramp! We need to stone her!
Audience cheers.
Jeremiah takes a question from Bubba.
BUBBA- I just gotta say,
you're a dirty, dirty tramp to do that to a nice man like Judah there.
Audience cheers.
Jeremiah takes another question from Bertha.
BERTHA- Yeah, uh, to the
daddy? You got every right not to give your baby to that tramp! And to you, I
wish I had a rock, I'd stone you myself.
Audience cheers again.
JEREMIAH- Well, Tamar, this
sounds bad for you. Anything to say in your defense?
TAMAR- Yes, I do! I married
his son Er. But I didn't kill him! What Judah didn't tell ya is that Er made
the Lord angry, and when the Lord got angry, he smite Er graveyard dead!
JEREMIAH- Judah, is this
true?
JUDAH- Well, uh, there are
other folks who said it happened that way.
Audience ohhhhs in surprise.
JEREMIAH- I see. I see. And
Tamar, what about Onan?
TAMAR- Oh he done somethin'
bad too. He... Shucks, I can't say it. Not on TV, not on this stage. But y'all
can read about it in Genesis 38:9.
Audience members pull
out Bibles. They flip to the passage. In unison they all groan in horror.
TAMAR- Yeah, so it was the
Lord stuck him dead too!
JUDAH- Just a minute! Just
'cause the good Lord stuck my boys dead don't give you the right to be a
prostitute.
JEREMIAH- He does have a
point there, Tamar.
TAMAR- Well all right then.
It's true, I went out and whored myself once. But I had good reason. This man
would not give me a son to have a family by, as the Lord would want. So I had
to do somethin' to keep my husband Er's line goin'!
JUDAH- By sleeping with
some dirty old man?
TAMAR- Oh he weren't just
some dirty old man!
JUDAH- Then who was he?
TAMAR- You wanna know? It's
the man who owns these things. Steve?
Steve walks out,
carrying a staff and a seal on a cord.
JUDAH- Hey, where did you
get them?
TAMAR- From the man I slept
with!
JUDAH- But that ain't
possible! That's my staff, and my--
Judah stops in horror.
The audience starts yelling and booing him. Jeremiah goes to Bubba.
BUBBA- You know somethin'?
I'm rethinkin' this whole thing! I think the scumbag ain't the dirty tramp.
It's you.
Audience cheers. Bertha
gets up to comment.
BERTHA- And if I had a
stone, I'd be throwing it at you.
JUDAH- Now hold on! She's
got my stuff, but... but that don't prove nothin'! I demand a paternity test.
JEREMIAH- We thought you'd
say that. So we had someone give you a paternity test backstage.
JUDAH- You did? He tole me
it was for tetanus!
JEREMIAH- And Judah, you
are the father!
The audience yells and
boos some more.
TAMAR- I tole you I weren't
no tramp!
JEREMIAH- Well, Judah. You
refused her another husband. She did what she felt was right and necessary to
carry on YOUR family name. What do you have to say?
JUDAH- Well... aw shucks.
Who am I kiddin'? This woman ain't no tramp. She is more righteous than I.
The audience cheers.
Jeremiah sits on a stool.
JEREMIAH- You know,
sometimes there's more to a story than first appears. We need to look past the
surface before we judge others. That's not to say sin didn't happen here, but
even out of the worst situations - the death of two sons, adultery - God can
bring something beautiful. Like the birth of a baby. And who knows? That baby
could give rise to a king. Or a Savior!
TAMAR- It ain't no baby!
It's twins!
JEREMIAH- Whatever. That's
my final thought. Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, "My brothers
sold me into slavery, and now I'm the vide president of Egypt."
Copyright
2005 by Sunday School Dropouts