The Death of Tony the Tiger

By John Cosper

www.righteousinsanity.com

CHARACTERS

Mr. Kellogg and Mr. Smith – Cereal company execs

Mrs. Miller – An activist parent

Tony the Tiger

AUTHOR’S NOTE: When I was growing up, Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam were a constant presence on Saturday morning TV, encouraging me to ask my Mom to buy their cereal. Back then, my Mom, like other wise moms, had a clever method for keeping me away from such unhealthy cereals: she said no.
Times have changed, and parents today can't say no to their kids. So now we're suing Big Cereal, and Big Cereal has agreed to stop marketing to kids. This way, parents can keep being buddies, and avoid being real parents. Good for them, but what does it mean for poor Tony the Tiger? I have a dreadful feeling I know the answer...

Mr. Kellogg sits at his desk. Mr. Smith stands beside him. Two chairs face the desk. Mrs. Miller sits in one of them.

KELLOGG: Thank you for coming down here, Mrs. Miller. We certainly appreciate your understanding in this long and difficult process.

MILLER: We appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

SMITH: I still don’t like it. If there was another way we could resolve this, we—

MILLER: There IS no other way! We’ve been over this many, many times with our attorneys. I thought we all agreed this had to be done. You have a responsibility to the public, and to our children.

SMITH: Well, someone had to do it. But I still think there’s a better way.

KELLOGG: (picks up his phone) Miss Baker? Would you send Tony in, please?

MILLER: Believe me, gentlemen, when this is all over, you’re both going to have a great deal of satisfaction in knowing you did the right thing.

Tony the Tiger enters.

TONY: Hello, Mr. Kellogg.

KELLOGG: Tony, buddy, great to see you. How’s Dolores?

TONY: Dolores is just fine, thank you.

SMITH: Heya, Tony.

TONY: Mr. Smith? I didn’t expect to see you here. And you are?

Mrs. Miller looks away.

MILLER: Miller. Jan Miller.

TONY: I’m delighted to meet you.

MILLER: Hmmph.

TONY: Okay.

KELLOGG: Tony, I wonder if you would have a seat.

TONY: Of course. Is something the matter?

KELLOGG: There is, Tony. There is.

TONY: If I’ve done something wrong…

KELLOGG: No, no! We’ve been very pleased with your work.

MILLER: Ahem!

KELLOGG: We here at Kellogg have been pleased with your work. But lately, we’ve had some… legal issues.

TONY: What’s this all about?

SMITH: It’s about us using people like you to market our cereals to kids.

TONY: What’s wrong with that? Frosted Flakes are part of a balanced breakfast. They’re GRRRRRREAT!

MILLER: They are NOT great!

TONY: Excuse me?

MILLER: Mr. Tiger, are you so blind as to see the problem with your own product? Frosted Flakes are loaded with sugar. They make children fat!

TONY: They do?

MILLER: Oh don’t play dumb with me! You’ve known all along. Just like those tobacco merchants, peddling your wares to unsuspecting children, leading them down the fire and brimstone path to obesity, heart disease, diabetes!

TONY: Well sure, if that’s all you let your children eat. But if a parent such as yourself watches her kids diet and learns to say no—

MILLER: Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me how to raise my kids?

TONY: Well, that’s your job, isn’t it? As a parent?

MILLER: Mr. Kellogg!!

KELLOG: Tony, please, one law suit over this is enough.

TONY: You mean she actually sued us for making kids fat?

MILLER: I did! You are a vile, vulgar creature, Mr. Tiger. Twisted and evil.

TONY: I beg your pardon, ma’am. I’ve been encouraging kids to lead an active lifestyle and bring out the tiger in them for years.

MILLER: All the while opening their mouths and force-feeding them your sugar-heavy wares.

TONY: Frosted Flakes are loaded with vitamins and minerals, and when eaten as part of a balanced diet—

MILLER: I don’t want to hear it. Mr. Kellogg? Do your duty.

TONY: What duty? What’s going on here?

KELLOGG: I’m sorry, Tony, it was the only way.

TONY: The only way to what?

SMITH: This company can’t afford a big court settlement. So we came up with a compromise. Mrs. Miller and her people will drop the lawsuit… if we drop you.

TONY: You’re firing me?

MILLER: You’re being put down!

TONY: What?

KELLOGG: Now, Tony, let’s not over-react.

TONY: Mr. Kellogg, Don, how could you do this to me? We have a relationship! I worked for your Dad. We summered together at Big Bear Lake.

KELLOGG: I don’t like this any more than you.

TONY: Yes, but you get to get up and go to work tomorrow. I’ll be dead.

MILLER: And a good riddance to you!

TONY: You’re insane! After me who’s next? Toucan Sam?

SMITH: Actually we did him this morning.

TONY: You killed Sam?

MILLER: It’s what he deserved. You’ve both been killing our children for years.

Mr. Kellogg pulls out a syringe.

KELLOGG: Mr. Smith, if you please?

SMITH: I can’t, Don.

KELLOGG: Do it.

SMITH: For crying out loud, he was my childhood hero.

MILLER: Oh hand it over. I’ll take care of this!

As Tony speaks, patriotic music like “America the Beautiful” swells up behind him, giving him a dramatic, and powerful, moment.

TONY: Wait a minute! Before you inject me with that, I have something to say. When I was a wee tiger cub, my favorite treat in the world was a Dunkin Donuts chocolate donut. Every day, on my way to school, we passed by the little Dunkin Donut shop across the street from school. Every year, I wrapped my English book in the Dunkin Donuts book covers they so generously donated to the school. Every Saturday morning, I would watch my favorite cartoons, sponsored by Dunkin Donuts. I asked my mother, “Mom, can I please have a Dunkin Donut?” But my mother knew a magic word. It was a word that kept me from eating the wrong foods all the time. It kept me from doing things that would hurt me like sticking my claws in an electrical socket. It kept me from hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting into drugs, or maybe worse. That word was “No.” I heard my mother use it more than a million times as a cub. She did it to protect me. My mother never had to petition Dunkin Donuts to stop advertising their product on my favorite shows. She never sued my school for passing out Dunkin Donut book covers. She simply knew how to say no. I’m not saying I never ate that chocolate donut. Every now and then I got one as a special treat. But I grew up a to be a healthy and wise tiger because my mother took responsibility for raising me, not some donut company. And if I’m wrong for thinking Mrs. Miller and those who share her beliefs should get out of the courts and get into their kids lives, kill me right here and now.

Mrs. Miller injects Tony.

KELLOGG: Tony, are you okay?

SMITH: Does it hurt?

TONY: Why… no. I feel… grrrrrrreat.

Tony falls over dead.

MILLER: Thank you, gentlemen. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

KELLOGG: No problem. You gonna stick around to see us do Dig’ Em?

MILLER: I’d love to, but I’m due at American Idol at five. They’re putting Jordin Sparks down. Talk about an unhealthy role model!

Mrs. Miller exits.

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