The "True" Gifts

By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Reverend Bruce – A confused pastor

Maggie – A judgmental Christian

A guy in the congregation who is not dressed "properly" for church

Two Ushers

Dave – A right-wing Christian

Pearl – An old gossipy lady

Trish – A funny high school student

Ron – A deacon

Billy Bob – A farmer

All the cast members except the Ushers and Bruce are in the audience. The Ushers are by the back door, almost at attention. Bruce walks on stage.

BRUCE: Good mornin’, brothers and sisters, and welcome, welcome all to God’s House.. I am the Reverend Bruce. Today we’re gonna commence talkin’ about a subject that is very controversial. There’s a whole lotter people out there what got it wrong. They think they know the truth! But I am here to tell you, brothers and sisters, there is only ONE truth! God’s truth! And I, your humble shepherd, am prepared to lead you into discoverin’ God’s greatest mystery in your life. I am talking about, of course, spiritual gifts. "WHOA, REVEREND!" I hear you cry. "Ain’t that holy roller talk? I thought the spiritual gifts done ended with the Revelation, and all them folks what preach the gifts these days are all loonies." Well, flock, I’m here to tell you the gifts of the spirit are alive and well. They were given to help us discern God’s truth, to light the way we should go, and lead us to make a better, more godly church. They’re in the soul of every believer, and yes, brothers and sisters, they are right here amongst us. Case in point, I’d like to bring up my friend and yours, my sister in Christ, Miss Maggie Dumont.

Maggie walks up.

MAGGIE: Morning, Reverend.

BRUCE: Morning, Sister Maggie. Is it true that you have a spiritual gift?

MAGGIE: That’s right, Reverend. I have the spiritual gift of judgment.

BRUCE: Would you tell the congregation what that means?

MAGGIE: Well, it means I have the spiritual gift of judging others solely by their appearance.

BRUCE: Amen, sister. And how is this gift useful to the church?

MAGGIE: Oh, Reverend, in so many ways. I can tell who the true Christians are, as well as the ones who don’t belong. (points to someone not dressed "proper") There’s one right there.

Bruce makes a hand signal to the Ushers, who escort the offender from the sanctuary.

BRUCE: Amen, sister.

MAGGIE: And it doesn’t stop there, Reverend. As you know, my Rosa Jean is now a teenager. My spiritual gift allows me to know what young men have godly intentions toward my daughter and which ones are just no good. Tell the truth, I haven’t spotted a good one yet. And I know my Rosa Jean is thankful I’ve kept her from courting yet.

BRUCE: Amen, Sister Maggie, thank you for sharing with us.

MAGGIE: It’s my pleasure.

Maggie sits down.

BRUCE: Who else has a gift they would like to share? Yes, you there, Brother Dave!

Dave walks up.

BRUCE: Good to see you, Brother. Would you tell our friends about your spiritual gift?

DAVE: Well, Reverend, I have the spiritual gift of wisdom!

BRUCE: Amen, and what does that gift mean?

DAVE: Reverend, my gift of wisdom gives me the ability to give good counsel and guidance to my fellow Christians.

BRUCE: Which means?

DAVE: Which means every election year, I and I alone, am given the insight, the discernment to tell which political party most reflects the will of God. And there is no doubt, in these turbulent times, that God’s will is for all of us to vote Republican!

Dave walks back to his seat triumphant.

BRUCE: Amen, Brother Dave! Who else has a gift to share? Is there another among us?

Trish raises her hand.

BRUCE: Yes, young lady? You would like to share?

TRISH: Well, Reverend, I’ve been taking Spanish for four years, so, I guess I have the gift of tongues. Hehe.

BRUCE: Okay, get her outta here.

The Ushers remove Trish from the auditorium. If possible, have the actress shout and resist while yelling in Spanish.

BRUCE: Let’s face it, folks, the best gifts are the ones that become gifts to others, like our beloved Sister Pearl. Sister?

Pearl walks up.

PEARL: Hello, Reverend.

BRUCE: Sister Pearl, what is your gift?

PEARL: I have the gift of discernment.

BRUCE: And what does that mean?

PEARL: Well, Reverend, as you know, I love to listen to people’s problems. They come and they tell me about their illness, their relationship worries, their financial struggles. When they speak, I listen. And through listening, I discern what it is they did that made God so angry in the first place!

BRUCE: Hallelujah!

PEARL: Because let’s face it, Reverend, if people have problems in their life, they must have done something to tick off the Almighty. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care if it’s illness or money troubles or those kids of yours actin’ up in school. God doesn’t just let bad things happen to anybody! You got problems, you best start confessin’ your sin and making things right, or you’re REALLY gonna be sorry down the road.

Pearl sits down.

BRUCE: Ain’t that the blessed truth? Thank you, Sister Pearl. Deacon Ron, I know you have one you want to share.

Ron walks up.

RON: Very well, Reverend. As you know, I have the gift of prophecy.

BRUCE: Prophecy, ladies and gentlemen. We have a prophet among us.

RON: And through this gift, God has revealed to me that this church is gonna get bigger. We’re gonna have more families, more people, more brothers and sisters to accommodate in the very near future. But in order to do that, we gotta build us a new building.

BRUCE: The Word of the Lord!

RON: We’re gonna build a new wing, complete with a gym, a big screen theater, racquetball, and state of the art office space.

BRUCE: His will be done!

RON: But it can only come to be if we’re obedient. That means we gotta pray, fast, and give over and above our ten percent tithes for the next twenty years!

BRUCE: Hallelujah! That’s the spirit in action right there! Anyone else got the gift?

Billy Bob raises his hand.

BILLY BOB: I do, Rev!

BRUCE: Brother Billy Bob, come on down! Share with us.

Billy Bob runs down.

BILLY BOB: How do, Rev?

BRUCE: I’m marvelous, Brother Billy Bob. Now what is your spiritual gift?

BILLY BOB: Well, sir, I gots the spiritual gift of nasal discernment.

BRUCE: Nasal discernment. Never heard of that one. You sure it’s legit?

BILLY BOB: Sure as I am He raised on Sunday!

BRUCE: Okay, then. Tell us, what is the spiritual gift of nasal discernment?

BILLY BOB: Well, sir, my proboscis – that’s fancy talk fer my nose – can tell the difference between any kinda animal droppin’s on God’s green Earth. Why with just one whiff, I can tell cow from pig from horse from llama from well on a mile away!

BRUCE: Okay. So, uh, how does that help us out here in the church?

BILLY BOB: Well, sir, like I say, if there’s poop, any kind o’ poop, I can sniff it.

BRUCE: Right, you said that.

BILLY BOB: (directing his comment at Bruce and his sermon) And brother, I smell a whole big WHOPPIN’ pile of cow poop right now. HALLELUJAH!

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