Look, Ma, I’m on the Pill!
By Jack & Gretchen Hall
CHARACTERS
Helen and David – Self-righteous parents
Michaela – A naughty girl
Helen and Michaela are seated at a kitchen table, eating breakfast. Helen is reading the newspaper.
DAVID: Good morning, sweetheart. What’s the news?
HELEN: Oh, the usual. Britney’s a bad mom, Lindsey’s out of control, and Paris is zany as ever.
DAVID: What a crazy messed up world.
HELEN: Tell me about it.
DAVID: Look at this. Wrestlers busted for steroids again. There’s a shock.
HELEN: Where have all the heroes gone, huh?
DAVID: Terrorists threaten more attacks on US soil. What did we do to make them mad now? Crazy Muslims.
HELEN: Shh, don’t cause a fuss, David. We must be sensitive and respectful of their beliefs.
They pause a second, then laugh at themselves.
HELEN: Oh, they’re all such crackpots.
DAVID: Look at this, Helen. The school board in Clark County is taking up a proposal to offer the morning after pill in middle school.
HELEN: What?
DAVID: Yup, it’s a new state program. Girls in 6-8th grade will have a new birth control option available in the school health office.
HELEN: That’s ridiculous! Don’t they know the side effects the morning after pill can cause?
DAVID: No mention of it here.
HELEN: They’ll at least inform the parents, right? A mother has a right to know if her daughter’s having sex!
DAVID: According to this, parents sign a waiver at the start of the school year for the health office to administer medical treatments at their discretion. They don’t have to tell the parents.
HELEN: Well, at least we’ll never have to worry about that, will be Michaela?
MICHAELA: Hmm?
HELEN: You’re smart enough, you’ll never need the morning after pill at your age.
MICHAELA: Nope, not me.
HELEN: That’s right.
MICHAELA: Now that I’m on the pill, we’ve got nothing to worry about.
David and Helen lower their papers, eyes wide in shock.
DAVID: What was that?
MICHAELA: I said you have nothing to worry about.
DAVID: Before that. You said something about a pill?
MICHAELA: Not a pill, THE pill.
DAVID: As in birth control?
MICHAELA: (sarcastic) No, Dad, it’s steroids. I wanna be a wrestler. Yes, it’s birth control!
HELEN: Since when?
MICHAELA: Last year, second semester.
HELEN: How did you get access to the pill?
MICHAELA: From school. The nurse gives it to me.
HELEN: Why on Earth would she give you the pill? You’re not even…
Michaela looks off innocently, munching cereal.
HELEN: You ARE!!!
DAVID: No, no, no!!
MICHAELA: What’s the matter?
HELEN: You’re having sex?
MICHAELA: So is everybody else! I’m a sexual creature! I have to express my sexuality.
HELEN: When did you start expressing this sexuality?
DAVID: And with whom?
MICHAELA: Katie Winters’ birthday last year, and none of your business!
HELEN: Katie’s party? She was only eleven.
MICHAELA: So was I!
DAVID: I wanna know who!
MICHAELA: Don’t be so immature, Dad.
HELEN: Michaela, you are too young! You’re not near old enough for sex.
MICHAELA: Oh come on, at least I’m responsible. I’m on the pill!
HELEN: What about STD’s? The pill’s not going to protect you from that!
MICHAELA: Mom, relax. I’m picky about who I sleep with. That’s why I only have sex when I’m sober.
HELEN: When you’re s-s-s-sober?
MICHAELA: It’s not as good when you’re drunk anyway.
HELEN: Just who have you been drinking with?
DAVID: Never mind that! I wanna know who she’s been with sober!
MICHAELA: Why are you guys so worried? The important thing is I won’t embarrass you by getting pregnant. There are shots for all those other things.
HELEN: It’s not just about protection, young lady. You are ill-equipped for sex, physically or emotionally. And besides that… it’s against our beliefs!
MICHAELA: Since when?
HELEN: Since always!
MICHAELA: Funny, you never mentioned it before.
HELEN: It’s in your Bible, Michaela! Don’t you ever read it?
MICHAELA: Why?
HELEN: Because that’s what Christians do!
MICHAELA: So why don’t you read it?
HELEN: I do! I am! In fact we’re all going to read the Bible right now. And we’ll settle the matter once and for all why you shouldn’t have sex. David, go get the family Bible.
DAVID: Who did you sleep with?
HELEN: Oh let it go!
David and Michaela get up. David exits.
HELEN: Where are you going Michaela?
MICHAELA: You said we’re going to read the Bible, so I’m going to get mine.
HELEN: Good! Hurry up and get back here quickly.
MICHAELA: I will. It’s on my night stand with my Book of Mormon.
Michaela exits.
HELEN: Good. (eyes widen in horror) Your what???
Copyright 2007 by Sunday School Dropouts