The Apology
By Jack Hall
Dedicated to Rahm Emanuel
CHARACTERS
Tom-
A reporter
The
Chief of Staff
The
President
A
podium is on stage. Tom is in the audience, turned out away from the podium,
with a microphone.
TOM:
Good evening. We interrupt this program to take you to a live news conference
at the White House, where the president's chief of staff is going to issue a
statement regarding the conversial remarks he made in a meeting with donors
over the weekend. By now everyone has heard the derogatory and politically
incorrect off the cuff remarks made by the president's wacky and renegade
friend, and we are told tonight's statement is designed to make things right.
The
Chief of Staff walks to the podium. Behind him is the President.
TOM:
And here comes the Chief of Staff with the President now. Looks like he's
approaching the podium now. Let's listen in.
CHIEF:
Good evening. I would like to issue an apology to everyone who was offended by
my remarks over the weekend that members of our opposition party were acting
like, quote, a bunch of brain dead vegetables. These remarks were made without
thinking - ironic as that may be - in the heat of the moment. As such I meant
no disrespect or malice towards people who are, in fact, brain dead vegetables
in the hospitals of America. I have spoken with Dr. Emil Shuffhausen of the
national center for brain dead studies, and he has accepted my apology. I hope
the families and friends of the nation's brain dead population will also
forgive me. And I sincerely hope our political rivals will quit acting like
stupid clowns and come back to the bargaining table.
The
Chief starts to leave. The President stops him, whispers in his ear. The Chief
walks back to the podium.
CHIEF:
Okay, well, um, I guess I need to apologize again to the clowns of America for
my remarks made just ten seconds ago. Once again, my remarks were thoughtless,
off the cuff, and made in a moment of heated emotion. I meant no ill will
towards clowns - stupid or otherwise - who are just trying to make the world a
better place with their face paints and big shoes and balloon animals. I will
be placing a call to the head of clowning at Ringling Brothers at the
conclusion of this press conference. Hopefully he will accept my apology, along
with the clowns of America. And once again, I call on our rivals in Congress to
stop acting like the hillbilly rednecks they are.
The
President rolls his eyes and grabs the Chief by the arm.
CHIEF:
What?
The
President whispers in the Chief's ear. The Chief sighs.
CHIEF:
I'd like to apologize to the rednecks of America for my insensitive and totally
off the cuff remarks. Once again, heat of passion... No malice intended... and
I promise to call and personally apologize to Toby Keith once this press
conference is over. And if our political opponents will stop acting like nerds,
we can finally get--
The
President stops the Chief again.
CHIEF:
Okay, sorry about the nerd comment too. I didn't mean to hurt any nerd
feelings, and soon as this is over I'll call William Shatner-- (to
the President) Should
I call Shatner or George Lucas?
The
President shrugs.
CHIEF:
Should we take a poll?
Another
shrug.
CHIEF:
Fine, I'll call them both. And I look forward to sitting down to business
with our stupid, ignorant, no-good--
The
President stops the Chief, whispers in his ear.
CHIEF:
Can I say--
The
Chief whispers. The President shakes his head.
CHIEF:
Well, what about--
The
Chief whispers. The President shakes his head.
CHIEF:
Well, is there anything I can use that's not politically incorrect?
The
President whispers.
CHIEF:
Really? I can say that?
The
President nods.
CHIEF: Okay,
so once again, I apologize to the vegetables, the clowns, the rednecks, and the
nerds of America, and I call on our political enemies to stop acting like a
bunch of narrow-minded Christians. Thank you, good night!
Copyright
2010 by Sunday School Dropouts