God Tells All

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Jake- An announcer

God

JAKE: You know, the Lord is coming back soon, and no one is more excited about his return than me. I mean who can’t wait to walk on streets of gold, sail on a glassy sea, and just be in the presence of Jesus? Having said that… there’s one particular moment I think I will enjoy most. After the final judgments are spoken, and the new reign begins, there’s bound to be a moment when God sits us all down, once and for all, and sets the record straight on… well, everything! Can you just imagine the things we will learn when God finally opens our eyes?

Jake exits. God enters.

GOD: Good afternoon, kids. Is everyone having a good time? Well, we’re finally here, aren’t we? The old Earth has burned away, and the new Heaven and Earth are open for business. But even though old Earth is ancient history, I know there are still a lot of questions in your minds about just what happened back there. So in the interest of helping all of you find true peace and contentment, I’m going to reveal to you the biggest mysteries of old Earth. Pay attention. I’m only going to say these things once.

First of all, I know this is probably the biggest question for many of you, Elvis is dead. He died in 77, just like the papers reported, so sorry to disappoint you. But you might be interested to know that right up until the end Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, the Big Bopper, Andy Kaufman, and Adolf Hitler were not only alive and well, they ran a casino and resort together in Venezuela .

For those of you conspiracy nuts out there, here are some points of interest. First of all, not only did Lee Harvey Oswald kill JFK, he also was also responsible for the Black Dahlia murder.

Aliens did land at Roswell, New Mexico back in 1947. Unfortunately for them, they were almost 50 years pre-mature, as they were hoping to pick up a copy of Footloose on DVD.

In the lost and found department, Jimmy Hoffa was abducted by aliens. Amelia Earhart was buried in the end zone at Giant Stadium. And the Lost Ark was safely hidden in a basement in Queens .

A few things that did not exist: Atlantis, King Arthur, and Robin Hood. Things that did exist: Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and PMS. Yes, ladies, go ahead, nudge your husbands on that one.

Just a few more items here in the fact or fiction department. The book of Job, fact or fiction? That was fact. DaVinci Code, fiction. My son is still single, but sorry, ladies, not looking. Professional wrestling is fiction, but for you wrestling fans who have always wondered about the Montreal Screw Job: Vince did not screw Bret; Bret screwed Bret.

And one final note, can I see a show of hands, all of you who thought belching and farting was not funny? Raise them up high. Okay, now all of you who thought belching and farting was funny? You were RIGHT.

Thank you for your attention. Enjoy your first afternoon in Paradise!

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