Swear to God

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Denny- A new Christian

Jamie- A long-time believer

Jason- Another Christian

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Any time you see ****, the character of Jamie is saying a bad word. Be sure and make a "bleep" sound over her so no one is offended by the grown-up language!]

Denny and Jamie enter, sit on bleachers.

DENNY- Wow, this is so cool!

JAMIE- I told you!

DENNY- When I first became a Christian, I thought I was going to have to give up everything I love. Then you introduced me to Christian rock, Christian movies, and now the best part of all… church league basketball!!

JAMIE- Yeah. There’s nothing the world can’t produce that we can’t reclaim for Christ. And this is one of the top church leagues in the country.

DENNY- Is that so?

JAMIE- Sure! And our team won the championship the last three years!

DENNY- All right! GO TEAM, WOOO!!!

JAMIE- That’s the spirit, Denny.

DENNY- Hey, is that the children’s pastor?

JAMIE- Yep! He leads the team in steals and assists. And wait til you see the pastor shoot the lights out from three point range.

DENNY- This is so cool!! Who needs the NBA when you’ve got--

JAMIE- (sees a bad call, leaps to her feet) HEY, REF, WHAT THE **** WAS THAT? YOU **** BLIND OR SOMETHING? WHY DON’T YOU GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR *** AND WATCH THE **** GAME??

Jamie sits.

JAMIE- Something wrong?

DENNY- Jamie, what was that?

JAMIE- That’s what I wanna know!! He called a double dribble when that Lutheran was reaching in!!

DENNY- No, I don’t mean the call. I mean… did you hear what you said?

JAMIE- More important, did that blind zebra hear me? (yells) HEY REF!! HOW ‘BOUT CALLING AN ILLEGAL PICK WHEN YOU **** SEE IT, YOU PIECE OF MONKEY ****??

DENNY- Are you okay?

JAMIE- I’m great. Having a good time.

DENNY- Okay. So what’s with all the shouting?

JAMIE- Oh come on! It’s all a part of the game. (yells) TOO BAD THE **** REFS CAN’T BE A PART OF THE **** GAME WITH US!! OPEN YOUR EYES, *****!!

DENNY- Jamie, please! Stop swearing.

JAMIE- Why?

DENNY- Well, I know I’m new to this, but is that setting a Christian example?

JAMIE- What does it matter? No seekers are gonna see me cussing. It’s church league. Besides, sometimes a little swearing (yells) IS ALL THESE **** PRESBYTERIAN REFS UNDERSTAND!! THAT’S RIGHT, FOUR EYES, WHY DON’T YOU GO ORDAIN A WOMAN AND LEAVE THE **** GAME TO PEOPLE WHO **** UNDERSTAND IT??

Denny stands up to leave.

JAMIE- Where are you going?

DENNY- You know, all this cussing and stuff… it’s hard to focus on the game. I’m just gonna move down a bit if that’s okay.

JAMIE- Okay, whatever. But the refs are gonna be bad no matter where you sit.

DENNY- Sure. I just hope the spirit isn’t as bad.

JAMIE- Yo, Pastor Joey, what the **** you call that? Keep playing defense that loose, I'm not working your **** lock-in! (reacts to what Joey says back) What, **** me? **** YOU!!!

Denny moves down a ways. He comes to where Jason is sitting.

DENNY- Hey.

JASON- Hey.

DENNY- Enjoying the game?

JASON- Yeah, it’s a good one! (yells) HEY REF! YOU STRAIGHTEN UP OR THERE’LL BE ****FIRE TOUCHIN’ YOUR ***!!!

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