Luv Thuh Stoopid

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Christian- A Christian man

Janet- A lesbian

Angela- A black woman

Leroy & Darrell- Stupid people

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: We know this skit is probably offensive to everyone in some form or another, but there were two points we wanted to make. One, there are Christians out there who express love for people of other races and even homosexuals not because it's the right thing to do, but because it's fashionable. We should love because they are our brothers and sisters, not just because it's politically correct. And two, there is an unspoken, socially acceptable prejudice to the ignorant, the less educated, the "rednecks", if you will. When will we learn that Jesus sees no distinctions between people? He just sees people that he loves unconditionally... even those of us who are clearly prejudiced.]

Christian enters and walks up to Janet.

CHRISTIAN- Hello, my gay neighbor.

JANET- Hi, Christian. How are you?

CHRISTIAN- Enjoying the day the Lord has made.

JANET- Yeah, it's a nice one.

CHRISTIAN- Say that is a lovely rose garden. You do that?

JANET- No, that's all Misty. She's great with flowers.

CHRISTIAN- Maybe I need to talk to her. I could use help with my garden.

JANET- Why don't you? She'd be happy to help.

CHRISTIAN- Good idea. How about you all come over Saturday for a cookout?

JANET- A cookout? Sounds nice.

CHRISTIAN- Lisa and I are having some family and church friends over. You'll have a great time.

JANET- Church friends? I don't know, Christian. Sometimes those people aren't very nice.

CHRISTIAN- Not to worry. Everyone's loving in this group. I promise!

JANET- I'll take your word on that. Saturday it is.

CHRISTIAN- Great! See you then.

Janet exits. Angela enters.

CHRISTIAN- Hello, my multi-cultural neighbor.

ANGELA- Oh, hi, Christian.

CHRISTIAN- Love that new car you and Trevor bought.

ANGELA- Isn't is a honey? It needs some work, but Trevor will get it running again, no matter how long it takes.

CHRISTIAN- Well tell him to take a break Saturday night. We're having a cookout, and you better be there.

ANGELA- A cookout, huh?

CHRISTIAN- Yeah, just some family, church friends.

ANGELA- Oh yeah? Sounds nice, if they're all as friendly as you.

CHRISTIAN- Believe me, they are. Will you come?

ANGELA- Sure, Christian. We'll be there.

CHRISTIAN- Great! See you then!

Angela exits. Christian starts to exit the other way, until he sees Leroy and Darrell enter from that side. He turns to exit quickly, but Leroy and Darrell catch up.

LEROY- Hey, Christian! What up, bud?

CHRISTIAN- Hi, guys. Just headed out to the... store.

LEROY- Man, I gots ta tell ya what happened ta other night. You member I called and left you that message about my puter?

CHRISTIAN- Oh yeah. Yeah. Sorry I never called back.

LEROY- I ended up callin' tech support and tole 'em what I tole you, that the foot pedal weren't workin' right. And you know what? It ain't a foot pedal. It's what they calls a mouse.

CHRISTIAN- Well that sounds good, Leroy. I'll see ya.

Christian runs off.

LEROY- Boy, ain't that somethin. That guy'll talk ta anybody. But the moment we show up, he's always on the run.

DARRELL- Maybe he's in a race.

LEROY- He ain't in no race.

DARRELL- How do you know?

LEROY- Racers got numbers on their shirts, dummy.

DARRELL- Oh yeah.

LEROY- I'll tell you his problem. He's prejudice.

DARRELL- No he ain't! He talks to them lesbians and them black folk.

LEROY- But he don't talk to us stupid folk. Do he?

DARRELL- We is stupid?

LEROY- (addressing the audience) That's right, I said stupid people. You'd think in these modern times when you can have a telephone with no cord, people wouldn't be prejudice. We love our gay neighbors. We love neighbors from different races.

DARRELL- You tole me he weren't in no race.

LEROY- But there's still one minority what you can ignore and avoid. And that's stupid.

DARRELL- You bet it is!

LEROY- You know what I mean by stupid. We is the ones what go to Burger King and order a Big Mac.

DARRELL- I can git one at Mack Donalds. Why cain't the King gimme one?

LEROY- We is the ones what return movies we got at the ly-berry to the Blockbuster.

DARRELL- That's where movies go.

LEROY- We is the ones what call the post office to git the phone number fer the hospital in Terre Haute!

DARRELL- Who else we gonna call?

LEROY- I mean let's face it, you's more likely to buy a house next to one full of illegal aliens from Mexico than us!

DARRELL- Aliens don't come from Mexico. They's from outer space!

LEROY- You all prolly got your own reasons for not likin' us. Maybe because we don't talk good.

DARRELL- We just talk American.

LEROY- Maybe 'cause we don't know how to use soap.

DARRELL- Cheap crap just keeps meltin' in water.

LEROY- Maybe because we ain't had different hair since Skynard went down in flames.

DARRELL- Rest in peace, Lynard.

LEROY- And jus' so you know, we ain't just pickin' on you Christian types. Nobody else wants to talk to us neither.

Angela walks by.

DARRELL- Hey, Angeller.

ANGELA- Hi, boys, nice yard. It's called a lawn mower. Invest in it.

Angela exits. Janet enters.

DARRELL- Hey, Jannit.

JANET- Hi, Darrell. Still dating your cousin?

DARRELL- What if I am?

JANET- Good luck with that.

Janet exits.

LEROY- See wut I mean? No love for the stupid anywhere.

DARRELL- That ain't so. Janet wished me and Patsy good luck.

LEROY- I know y'all think yer better'n us, just cuz you stayed in school longer, ya got more o' your original teeth, and yer biggest dream in life is something more fancy than meetin' Toby Keith.

DARRELL- That's my dream right there!

LEROY- But guess what? We is God's kids too. The Bible sez so! And there's 3 things even we understand. One, never wizz on an electric fence.

DARRELL- I learnt that one the hard way.

LEROY- And B, Love yer neighbor means love everyone: gay, straight, black, white, and stupid.

DARRELL- Wait, we gotta love gay people too? Why?

LEROY- Because, if we leave anyone out, we'll be just as bad as them mean ol' Christians.

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