The Greatest Soap Opera Ever Told

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Rose, Debbie, Briana- Soap opera lovers

Tina- A Christian

An Announcer

Rose, Debbie, and Briana enter a lunch break room to eat lunch, already discussing their favorite soaps.

ROSE: So then Jack goes to his dresser to get his gun, but it’s not there. The mailman gets out of bed with Janet, and he has the gun. He tells Jack to get out and never come back. Meanwhile, Donald has told Louise that she’s cut out of the will. So what does she do? She gets in the car and races off to the animal hospital, threatening to pull Ruffles off life support if he doesn’t change it back.

DEBBIE: No! Ruffles was Donald’s only friend after the divorce!

BRIANA: Serves him right! He never should have slept with Louise’s high school gym teacher.

DEBBIE: I swear, these shows get stranger and stranger.

BRIANA: Speaking of strange, have you been following Destination Point?

ROSE: Are you kidding? It’s the best soap ever!

DEBBIE: Is it true that Carla left Vito because of his gambling habit?

BRIANA: Whatever. Carla left Vito for his Uncle Raphael.

DEBBIE: The painter?

BRIANA: The house painter, not the mural painter.

ROSE: She never would have done it if Vito hadn’t sold out her father in that land deal.

DEBBIE: I thought he murdered her father.

BRIANA: No, you’re thinking of Distant Light. Rebecca’s brother Joel ripped off his father in law, then murdered him on a cruise through the Mediterranean.

DEBBIE: Oh, that’s right.

ROSE: That’s going to come back to haunt him. Kathy’s father washed up on the shore of Spain last week, and the police are making their way to Joel.

BRIANA: Like he’ll ever be caught. He’ll just get plastic surgery again and change his face.

Tina enters with lunch and a Bible. She sits down at a different table to read and eat.

ROSE: Oh darn. Better stop.

BRIANA: What for?

ROSE: That’s Tina. We can’t talk about soaps around her.

BRIANA: Why not?

DEBBIE: She’s a Christian.

BRIANA: Oh.

TINA: Hey, girls.

ROSE: Oh hi, Tina. This is Briana. She just started Monday.

TINA: Nice to meet you.

DEBBIE: So, Tina, whatcha reading?

TINA: The Bible.

DEBBIE: (mocking) Really? Anything good?

TINA: Oh yeah. Great stuff in here.

ROSE: What kind of great stuff? Share with us?

TINA: Well, I’ve been reading about Jacob, who was the youngest of twin brothers, but he was his mom’s favorite. She helped him to trick his father so that he would get his father’s blessing and full inheritance, while his brother basically got screwed.

The girls sit up, intrigued.

DEBBIE: Right on!

TINA: So Jacob had to run for his life, and went to work for this guy named Laban, who promised Jacob he could marry his youngest daughter Rachel if he worked for him seven years. But then, on his wedding night, he finds out he didn’t marry Rachel, but Leah, her older sister. And if he wants to marry Rachel, too, he’ll have to work another seven years.

ROSE: So he’ll end up with two wives?

BRIANA: That won’t end well.

TINA: You got that right. From what I heard, the sons of Leah end up selling the oldest son of Rachel, Jacob’s favorite, as a slave.

BRIANA/ROSE/DEBBIE: Cool!

TINA: Then when their sister Dinah gets raped, they ransack and murder everyone in the town that did it. And Jacob’s son Judah has this daughter-in-law named Tamar… huh. That’s a whole other story in itself.

ROSE: And that’s all in the Bible?

TINA: That’s all in the first book of the Bible.

BRIANA: Dude, I’ve gotta get one of those!

ANNOUNCER: The Bible: It’s not just God’s word; it’s the greatest soap opera ever told!

Blackout.

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