Silence of the Reindeer

The next great animated holiday special!

By Jack Hall

(If you're interested in producing this, please let us know!!)

Fade in: North Pole.

Across a snowy winter landscape, a tiny reindeer is out for her morning job. She passes Christmas trees by the dozen on her daily routine. She stops by a partially frozen pond for a drink. A sled pulled by one reindeer glides to a halt, and the jolly, fat driver approaches the reindeer, Clarice.

CLARICE- What is it?

SANTA- Christmas is in danger! Rudolph has been kidnapped!

CLARICE- How? Who?

SANTA- We have no clues. No leads!

CLARICE- We have to start somewhere, Santa.

SANTA- I know. You have to go see… HIM!!!

Cut to a dark prison dungeon. The elf guard unlocks a hall door, and Clarice walks down the hall. She passes some of Christmas’s most notorious enemies: The Heatmeister, the Freezemeister, Scrooge… finally coming to the last cell. In the dark, in the back, she sees two piercing elf eyes staring at her.

ELF- Are you Clarice?

CLARICE- Yes?

The elf steps into the light.

HANNIBAL THE ELF- Well hello, Clarice.

SNOWMAN VOICE OVER- This Christmas, Rankin/Bass and Jonathan Demme present, the most terrifying Christmas classic of all time… SILENCE OF THE REINDEER!!!

HANNIBAL- What does Santa want that he sends his best agent to see #1 on the all time naughty list?

CLARICE- Dr. Lector, Rudolph is missing.

HANNIBAL- Yes, Rudolph. The deer with the red nose that if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. You think he’s… cuuuuuuute, don’t you?

CLARICE- Rudolph is missing. He’s been kidnapped—

HANNIBAL- By a naughty boy… a naughty boy who wants to fly.

CLARICE- You know who has him?
HANNIBAL- Quid pro quo, Clarice. Tell me about your childhood, growing up the daughter of one of Santa’s crew. Must have been hard for a young doe.

CLARICE- Why are you asking me this?

HANNIBAL- I’m a doctor, Clarice.

CLARICE- You’re a dentist!

HANNIBAL- Yes. I was a dentist. Yukon Cornelius came to me once with a toothache. I ate his beard, with some candy canes and a nice, chilled egg nog. SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP!

SNOWMAN VOICE OVER- Meanwhile in the cave of the Abominable Snowman…

A well made of blocks of ice is at the center of the cave, covered by icicle bars that no reindeer can crash through. Rudolph is at the bottom of the well. Abominable lowers a bucket containing a bottle of lotion down the well with a rope.

RUDOLPH- Please, sir, you have to let me go! I have to save Christmas!

ABOMINABLE- Growwwlllllrowwllraaawwwuuurrrrgghhh!!

Subtitle: It puts the lotion on, and places it in the bucket.

Over in the corner, camera zooms in on an Abominable-sized reindeer suit, made from the skins of other reindeer.

Cut back to prison.

CLARICE- Dr. Lector, I don’t have time for this! Where is Rudolph?

HANNIBAL- Quid pro quo, Clarice. Did you ever play reindeer games as a kid?

CLARICE- Yes.

HANNIBAL- Did you play the innocent games like Hide and Go Seek, or something else?

CLARICE- I played… spin the bottle.

HANNIBAL- And did you ever tell Rudolph that you once kissed another girl reindeer, your friend Holly?

CLARICE- (a tear trickles down her face as she whispers) No.

HANNIBAL- You’re a naughty doe, Clarice. Perhaps Rudolph should stay at the bottom of the well in the cave of the Abominable Snowman rather than know about your—

CLARICE- The well in the cave of the Abominable Snowman?

Clarice bolts for the door.

HANNIBAL- Wait! Where are you going? I-I-I was only kidding! He’s not in the cave! He’s on the Island of Misfit Toys, but I’m not saying where yet! Come back! I want to talk about more reindeer games! Quid Pro—Aww, humbug!!

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