Shocking News

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Mia and Mitch- Television news anchors

Seth- An announcer

Mia and Mitch are at a news desk, stage right.

MIA: In an alarming story, it was revealed today that yet another Senator has been caught in An adulterous scandal.

MITCH: Shocking news in the sports world today, as another pro athlete is facing a messy divorce due to serious infidelity.

MIA: Sources have confirmed that the junior Senator from Oregon can be seen in Facebook pictures using cocaine and having relations with half a dozen different women.

MITCH: Always seen as a happy husband and father, fans were shocked to hear that the former MVP has a love child in every NBA city. Including Detroit!

Seth enters stage right, walks behind the desk to stage left.

MIA: Appearing at a news conference with his wife by his side, the Senator insisted he and his spouse are working through their problems with the help of their pastor

MITCH: It remains unclear whether he is likely to lose some of the twenty endorsement contracts he is currently under.

MIA: And he assured his constituents he will continue to fight for a return to traditional family values.

SETH: We hear it a lot, don't we? Be it a politician, a movie star, an athlete, or a pseudo-celebrity on reality TV, not a week goes by that someone's dirty laundry doesn't hit the airwaves.

MIA: Kobe Bryant.

MITCH: Tiger Woods.

MIA: Jon Gosselin.

MITCH: Tiger Woods.

MIA: Mark Sanford.

MITCH: Tiger Woods.

MIA: David Letterman.

MITCH: Did we mention Tiger Woods?

SETH: Frankly, I don't know why we're surprised any more. This isn't the America of the Puritans and Pilgrims. This is the new age. The post-Christian age. The age of enlightenment. To put it more bluntly: we should be over this stuff by now. It might not be tomorrow, but believe me the day is coming. In the 50's, Ricky and Lucy slept in separate beds. Today, cartoon characters are hopping in bed during the family hour. Today, adultery shock us. But tomorrow...

MIA: The President, the first lady, and four of his thirty-seven mistresses spent the weekend in Vegas, and wait until you see the photos from the hotel.

MITCH: The star quarterback was seen at a local night spot with his new girlfriend last night while his wife stayed home with a sick baby. When asked to comment, the quarterback's wife replied, "She's a nice girl. We had lunch just yesterday.”

MIA: At a press conference, the reality star announced that he was leaving his wife of ten years and their nine children. A spokesperson for his wife released a statement saying, "It's okay, only two of them were his anyway."

MITCH: In local news, I will be a little late tonight, Martha. I'm having an affair with my co-anchor.

MIA: That's right, Mitch and I are hooking up right here on this desk just as soon as the cameras stop rolling. But Martha and my husband Dave have nothing to worry about.

MITCH: We're not in love.

MIA: It's all about sex.

MITCH: Be home around eleven.

MIA: Don't forget to feed the dogs.

SETH: Ah yes. What a great day that will be. Of course, I can't imagine where we'll go from there.

MITCH: Shocking news today from the campaign trail when it was reported that the governor and his wife have held a monogamous relationship for all twenty of their married years. When asked for comment, his opponent in the upcoming primary said, quote, "What a loser."

SETH: Wow. Now that's a shocking story.

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