The Sex Talk

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Jordan, Tiff, Mikey- Teenagers learning about sex

Debbie- Jordan’s mom

Earl- Mikey’s dad

Luann- Tiff’s mom

NOTE: This skit can be used for one of two audiences: teens, and adults. We feel it is equally important to speak frankly and honestly with teens about God’s plan for sex as it is for married couples to have open and honest dialogue on the same subject. The messages that follow are different, but the subject is vital for both. If your audience is not open to some of the humor near the end, feel free to edit. We wrote it because we wanted to loosen people up through laughter… and let’s face it, it’s all kinda funny how we tiptoe around the "S" word.

Jordan is on stage reading a book. Mikey and Tiff enter.

TIFF- Hi, Jordan.

JORDAN- Oh, hey, guys.

Jordan looks down at his book, then hides it under the table.

JORDAN- Hey, guys, what’s up?

MIKEY- You okay, pal?

JORDAN- I’m great.

MIKEY- Yeah? Whatcha reading?

JORDAN- Nothing.

TIFF- Jordan, you’re not reading anything naughty, are you?

JORDAN- No. Well, I don’t know. Maybe?

MIKEY- You know you have to show us now, right?

Jordan pulls out the book. Mikey and Tiff look closely.

MIKEY- "Almost Grown Up: The Story of Sex."

TIFF- Whoa!

JORDAN- Shhh! You guys, keep it down, will ya?

MIKEY- What are you reading that for?

JORDAN- I don’t know. Just curious, I guess.

TIFF- Where did you even get it?

JORDAN- From my parents.

MIKEY- Nuh uh, really?

JORDAN- Yeah.

TIFF- When?

JORDAN- About a year ago. We came home from shopping, and Mom comes walking into my bedroom. She hands me this book, and says…

Debbie enters Jordan stands to face her in a flashback, holding the book. .

DEBBIE- Now, Jordan, you’re getting older. And your father and I know you’ll have some questions. We wanted you to have this to read when you’re ready.

JORDAN- Ready for what?

DEBBIE- You’ll know.

JORDAN- I’ll know what?

DEBBIE- You’ll just know.

JORDAN- Yeah, but what will I KNOW??

DEBBIE- When the time comes… you will know!

Debbie exits. Jordan sits down.

TIFF- Wow.

MIKEY- So you’re reading it now?

JORDAN- I guess.

MIKEY- How did you know it was the right time?

Tiff opens the book.

JORDAN- I have no clue! I just got tired of seeing it on the shelf and thought I’d crack it open, see what it was about.

TIFF- It’s all about sex.

JORDAN- Well I knew that.

TIFF- This is how your parents told you? A book?

JORDAN- I guess so.

MIKEY- You mean you didn’t get "the talk"?

JORDAN- What talk?

MIKEY- Oh boy, did you miss out. My dad came in one day when my Mom and sister were gone.

Earl enters. Mikey stands to face him.

EARL- Mikey, sex is bad. Really bad. It’s evil, dirty, and wrong. It’s the most wretched, sick, and disgusting thing that you will ever do. It’s not like you see in the movies. Bad things happen when you have sex, Mikey, bad things! Things like gonorrhea and syphilis and herpes and teen pregnancy! Don’t have sex! Never, ever have sex. Not until you’re married, and when you do it with your wife, you do it in the dark, with your clothes on, under the sheets where no one, not even God himself, will ever know you did it! Do you hear me???

Earl exits.

JORDAN- Wow.

MIKEY- Yeah. I couldn’t sleep for a week after that. I was deathly afraid that someone would try to come into my room and make me have sex.

TIFF- Like who?

MIKEY- I don’t know who, Tiff, bad people! Bad people who have sex.

JORDAN- That’s kinda harsh. Is it really that evil?

TIFF- I don’t know. I got the talk from my mom, but it went a little different than yours.

MIKEY- How so?

Luann enters. Tiff stands to face her.

LUANN- Tiff, don’t have sex. Don’t have sex with your boyfriend, don’t have sex with friends with benefits, don’t have sex with strangers. Don’t have sex in your bed, or a boy’s bed. Don’t have sex on a couch or a kitchen table. Don’t have sex in the park. Don’t have sex in a car. Don’t have sex in the locker rooms at school or a filthy bathroom at a club. Don’t have sex here or there or anywhere. Not til you’re married. Not til you have a husband. You get me?

TIFF- Yes, Mom.

LUANN- Good. I’m very proud of you. Now start taking these.

Luann hands a pack of birth control pills to Tiff.

TIFF- What’s this?

LUANN- It’s birth control. Take one pill a day, every month, for the rest of your life. And don’t skip a day or God help you, you’ll get pregnant.

Luann exits. Tiff sits.

JORDAN- So… is it okay to have sex or not?

TIFF- I don’t know. She sounded pretty serious about waiting, but then she gives me these—

MIKEY- Wait a minute. Those are birth control pills?

TIFF- Yes.

MIKEY- You mean I took one of your birth control pills today?

TIFF- You took one?

MIKEY- I thought it was a breath mint! I’m on the pill. Holy crap, I’m on the pill.

JORDAN- This whole thing is so silly. Books, lectures, why is it so hard for our parents to shoot straight with us about sex?

TIFF- I don’t know, Jordan. Maybe it’s embarrassing for them.

Mikey is breathing heavily, panicking. He runs his hands over his chest.

JORDAN- You think so?

TIFF- I know I would feel odd talking to my parents about it for more than three minutes.

MIKEY- (feeling his chest) Are these getting bigger? Guys, they’re getting bigger! Do they look bigger?

TIFF- Oh be still. Have some candy.

MIKEY- I‘m not taking another pill!

TIFF- Not the pills. There’s candy in there.

Mikey starts rummaging through Tiff’s purse.

JORDAN- I agree, it would be weird talking to our parents about sex. But if we can’t talk to them, where can we go.

TIFF- I don’t know. The Bible?

JORDAN- You think the Bible talks about sex?

TIFF- Why not? I mean, God created sex, right?

MIKEY- Not according to my parents!

JORDAN- That’s ridiculous. Of course God created sex.

TIFF- Then he must have something to say about it.

JORDAN- Makes sense to me. You think it’s worth taking a closer look?

Mikey pulls a condom in a wrapper out of the purse.

MIKEY- Trojan gum?

TIFF- That’s not gum, Mikey. That’s a condom my dad gave me.

MIKEY- This is a con… a con…

Mikey faints from embarrassment.

TIFF- Anything’s gotta be better than what our parents gave us, right?

Blackout.

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