CHARACTERS

Scotty Love – A rockin’ talk show host

Derek Richter – A local musician

Walt, Brian, Nick, Erin, Sarah, Theresa – Callers

SCOTTY- Hey, welcome to the Scotty Love Show, Scotty love here ready to answer all your questions about love, sex, and relationships. I see we have callers already on the line so let's get to the phones. Hello, caller, you're on the air.

BRIAN- Uh, hi. I met this girl about two months ago. We've been going out ever since, but I don't know if she loves me.

SCOTTY- Hmm. Did she put out?

BRIAN- What?

SCOTTY- Did she put out?

BRIAN- Well, no, we haven't gone to bed together.

SCOTTY- She doesn't put out, I'd dump her, man. Hello, next caller.

ERIN- Hi, Scotty. I was dating this guy for a while who seemed really sweet, but then one day, he just stopped calling me. I really thought we had something, but he just vanished.

SCOTTY- I see. Did ya put out?

ERIN- What?

SCOTTY- Did you put out?

ERIN- Well, no.

SCOTTY- Well, that's why he dumped you. I'd dump you too. Hello, caller?

WALT- Yeah, Scotty, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. I found another guy's shirt at her apartment last week.

SCOTTY- Does she put out?

WALT- Yeah she does.

SCOTTY- Then what do you care? You're still getting some, make sure she tells the other guy to wrap it up, everyone's happy. Okay. If you want to join the fun and talk about love, our number is 555-0515. Right now, I'd like to bring out my guest. He's a member of a local rock band In the Blue Within. Say hello to Derek Richter!

SCOTTY- So, Derek, you had a show last night?

DEREK- Yeah, it rocked. They had a bikini contest, and the winner... man she was hot!

SCOTTY- Did she put out?

DEREK- Heck yeah!

SCOTTY- Cool. Well thanks for coming by.

DEREK- See ya.

SCOTTY- Okay, back to some viewer calls now. Hello, caller?

SARAH- Hi, Scotty. My boyfriend's been trying to talk me into having sex, but I'm not so sure I'm ready.

SCOTTY- Hmm. Did ya put out?

SARAH- Did I what?

SCOTTY- Did you... put out??

SARAH- No! That's what I'm saying, I'm not sure I'm ready for--

SCOTTY- Blah blah blah, you're not ready to put out, you're gonna get dumped. Next caller, hello?

THERESA- Yeah, Scotty. I called last week because I didn't know if my boyfriend loved me, and you told me I should put out with my boyfriend!

SCOTTY- I see. Did ya put out?

THERESA- Yes.

SCOTTY- Good for you. Problem solved.

THERESA- No it's not! My boyfriend left me afterwards! I was looking for love, and he took my virginity and ran off.

SCOTTY- Good for you, you didn't need that thing anyway. Go put out for somebody else, you'll be fine. Hello, caller?

NICK- Hey, Scotty. I've been on the dating scene for a few years, but I'm so lonely. I date a lot of girls, but I just can't find love.

SCOTTY- Cool. Do they put out?

NICK- Yeah, they put out, but... I dunno. Is that enough?

SCOTTY- What else could there be?

NICK- I dunno. Intimacy? Communication, romance?

SCOTTY- Eh, that's all in the movies.

NICK- Then why do I feel so empty?

SCOTTY- I dunno, man. But Scotty Love know how you feel being lonely.

NICK- You do?

SCOTTY- Sure, man. Some days, I finish the show, and wish I just had someone to hold me. I wish I had someone who would just listen. Someone to tell me everything's gonna be all right. Someone who loves not Scotty Love the TV host... but Scotty Love, human being.

NICK- That's beautiful, man.

SCOTTY- But when I feel that way, Scotty Love slips some girl a few drinks, gets her to put out, then falls asleep on her. Problem solved. Okay, we're short on time, so let's take a few more quick calls.

SCOTTY- Put out. Put out. Put out. Put out. Put out. Put out. And… (clicks the last line) wait til the rash goes away, then put out. Thanks for joining us on the Scotty Love show. I'll be down at the Bulldog Bar for the Battle of the Bands tomorrow night. You ladies stop by and say hello, but only if you're willing to put out. Peace!

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Copyright 2005 by Sunday School Dropouts