Save the Planet, Kill Your Brother

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Kelly- A little girl

Kelly’s Big Brother

Professor Fratricide

Big Brother is in the background, asleep, useless. Kelly is in front, looking sad.

KELLY: Gee golly, the planet is dying. I sure wish I could help. But I'm just a little girl. I can't do anything.

The Professor enters.

PROF: Hold on a second! You may be just a little girl, but that doesn't mean you can't save the planet!

KELLY: Who are you?

PROF: I'm Professor Fratricide, and I'm here to help you help the environment.

KELLY: How will I do that?

PROF: Let's look at the problem first. The world is dying because it's over-populated. Earth us full of people who waste resources and do nothing to stop it. But you can stop it, if you act now.

KELLY: How?

PROF: By murdering your big brother!

KELLY: Murder my brother? But I like my big brother!

PROF: I'm sure you do. I bet he brings you nice presents and takes you fun places. But let's look at your brother and the harm he's doing to the environment. First of all, he breathes in oxygen, our most precious resource, and he expels carbon dioxide.

KELLY: Eww! Carbon dioxide is bad!

PROF: Second, your brother drives an old beater car that's polluting the air even more.

KELLY: He's making smog?

PROF: He sure is. And what's worse than that... he eats meat.

KELLY: Meat? But that's animals!

PROF: Yes, Kelly, it is. Little, cute, harmless animals. And on top of all of that, just listen to him snore.

Brother snores loud.

KELLY: Oh no!

PROF: Oh yeah. That's noise pollution. And we just can't have that.

KELLY: Wow, my brother sure is a waste of resources. But isn't murder wrong?

PROF: What's more wrong, Kelly? Murdering one brother? Or murdering the whole planet?

KELLY: You're right. I guess he has to die.

PROF: Atta girl, Kelly. Just remember to murder him in an environmentally friendly way. That means no poisons, and no harsh chemicals. Those things can get into the soil, and we don't need him polluting after death. And don't use a gun either. Remember, noise pollution is bad to. A simple kitchen knife should do the job. It's crude and may hurt a little, but after all he's done to the environment, he deserves a little pain.

KELLY: No I can help save the environment, Thanks, Professor!

Kelly runs to her brother in the background and murders him. There's a terrible struggle as the Professor ends the lesson.

PROF: Kids, is there someone in your house wasting our natural resources? Do Mother Earth a favor, and murder them, just like Kelly here. The planet will thank you for it.

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