SANTA GOES SOUTH
BY: Tyler Bradley
[Open scene on news desk with seated
anchorman]
Anchor:
Wow, what a stunning report, I for
one didn’t even know that you could fit that in there. Now for some economic news we go to our
reporter in the field Tom Dangle, on location at Santa’s workshop.
Tom:
[In Mexico where “elves” are busy at
work behind him]
Thank you Tinkerbell. As you can see…
[Anchor interrupts]
Anchor:
Uh, just a minute Tom, aren’t you supposed
to be farther north…way north?
Tom:
Well cupcake, that’s what I thought
too, but yet here I am in Mexico where it appears Santa’s workshop has been
relocated. It would seem that due
to the uncertain economic times Santa has closed his North Pole shop and come
here to Santa de Huevos.
As you can see behind me the elves
(Questioning) are busy at work, making the toys for the good girls and boys,
but I have yet to see the big man himself. Let me see if one of the elves can help.
[Turns to “elf”]
Pardon me sir…my your tall for an
elf…do you know where I might find old Saint Nick?
Jose:
Que?
Tom:
Santa Clause, is he here?
Jose:
Que?
Tom:
(Getting frustrated) SANTA CLAUS,
fat man, red suit, white beard, SANTA.
Where is he?
Jose:
Que?
Tom:
Ugh! El Sata-o Clause-o!
Jose:
Yes sir he is up the hall on the
right.
Tom:
Wait a freaking minute, you know
English?
Jose:
No, just that last sentence…and this
one.
Tom:
Really? That’s all?
Jose:
Que?
Tom:
NEVERMIND!
[Walks up hallway to Santa’s office]
[Santa sitting behind desk
cheerfully doing some paperwork, looks up to see reporter and smiles.]
Santa:
Hello there may I help you? Oh, cameras?...
[Extremely concerned]
You’re not from 60 Minutes, are you?
Tom:
No sir I’m Tom Dangle from World
News Yesterday, I was hoping to have a word with you concerning the workshop
relocation.
Santa:
(Recovering from scare) Oh, why yes
please come in.
Tom:
Thank you. So tell the people at home, why Santa de Huevos?
Santa:
Actually we call it Santa de Ho Ho
now.
Tom:
Cute.
Santa:
Well Tom, things have been going bad
for a while now, even for me. So there was really no reason not to move the
shop. If we hadn’t there may not
have been a Christmas this year.
Tom:
No Christmas!!!
Santa:
You bet. Things haven’t been this bad for the cheer business since
the Grinch attack of ‘66
Tom:
But I still don’t understand, why
Mexico?
Santa:
Its all a matter of cost of
production. See Jose over
there? He can crank out these toy trains
at three times the speed of an elf, (whispering loudly) and they work for moon
pies!
Tom:
Aren’t you worried that you are
sacrificing quality?
Santa;
Quality schmality. These days its all about efficiency,
efficiency, efficiency. And I can
ensure the quality of every single toy that comes off this line.
[Toy falls apart in hand]
That was just a, uh, prototype.
Tom:
I can’t help but to notice that
there are no elves in the shop, did you not bring them with you?
Santa:
Well no. It wasn’t very cost effective.
Tom:
What has come of them?
Santa:
Let’s just say that they all got
real thirsty and had a little Kool-Aid party.
Tom:
HOLY RELIGIOUS HOMICIDE REFERENCE
BATMAN!!! YOU KILLED THEM?
Santa:
Goodness no! Let me finish. After the party they all received
severance pay and are doing well as far as I know.
Tom:
And the reindeer?
Santa:
I still have them…kinda.
Tom:
Kinda?
Santa:
Well, there’s Mendez, Fernandez,
Rodriguez, Hernandez. Chavo, Rodrigo, Diego, and Adolf.
Tom:
Adolf?
Santa
He’s from Venezuela.
Tom:
Should have seen that coming. So with all these changes in mind,
would it be safe to say that there WILL be a Christmas this year?
Santa:
My yes! Thank Heaven for the bailouts!!!
Tom:
There you have it sports fans,
straight from the source of all things jolly himself. Though hard times have come for the red nosed chimney
stuffer we will still get our deliveries.
Back to you snookums.
Anchor:
Thanks Dangle Man for that amazing
story. Up next, midget strippers,
is it ok to only tip half? The
answer might surprise you, stay tuned.
Copyright 2008 by Tyler
Bradley