The Repent Man

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS
Maude- Sad housewife

Irving- Bad husband

Clark- Commercial spokesperson

Dan- The Repent Man

A couch is center. A table is off to the side. A dummy dressed similar to Irving may be hidden behind the couch. Maude is on stage cleaning. Irving enters, ignoring her, headed straight for the couch. Maude turns to him.

MAUDE: Irving Martin, where have you been? Dinner was three hours ago!

IRVING: I've been out.

MAUDE: Out doing what?

IRVING: None of your business! Where's my remote?

MAUDE: Your dinner's in the microwave. Hit start and it'll warm itself up.

IRVING: That's all right, I ate already.

MAUDE: Why would you do that?

IRVING: You know I hate your meatloaf. Where are my pretzels?

MAUDE: Irving, I've had it with you. You never call when you're late, and you're always rude when you get here! I think you owe me an apology!

IRVING: (mocking her) You owe me an apology. (normal voice) Eh, stop your yappin' and get me a beer.

Irving and Maude freeze. Clark enters.

CLARK: Does this sound like your house? Millions of American households just like this one suffer from the same problem: unrepentant, unapologetic spouses.

MAUDE: Irving Martin, I'm your wife! Have you no heart? Have you no decency? After you stay out all hours of the night, you can't say a simple "I'm sorry"?
IRVING: No! And if you don't get me a beer, I ain't the one that's gonna be sorry.

CLARK: If this is you, then pick up your phone and call the Repent Man! (Pronounced REE-pent Man, as in Repo Man)

A door bell rings. Dan enters, carrying a gear bag and a clipboard.

DAN: Evening, ma'am. What seems to be ther problem?

MAUDE: He's over there, watching Love American Style. He always comes in late, he's rude, and he never apologizes?

DAN: He never apologizes? Is this true, (checks name on clipboard) Irving?

IRVING: Yeah. And you can't make me apologize neither!

DAN: We'll just see about that.

Dan sets his bag down on a table and starts to unload it. The bag is full of weapons: chains, clubs, whips, brass knuckles, lead pipes, etc. Irving sees all this coming out of the bag and gets nervous.

IRVING: What, uh, what are you planning to do with that?

DAN: That all depends on you, Irving. (walks over with a lead pipe) Now say you're sorry.

IRVING: No.

DAN: I said (taps Irving's head with the pipe) say you're sorry.

Irving stands.

IRVING: I said no!

DAN: I said say you're sorry!

Dan swings at Irving with the pipe. Irving catches Dan't wrist.

IRVING: I said no!

DAN: All right, Irving! If that's the way you want it, that's the way you'll get it!

Dan pulls his weapon hand down and flips Irving on his back. He grabs Irving by the back and throw him over the couch. Irving screams and yells. Lots of punching noises. If there's a dummy behind the couch, toss the dummy in the air a few times. Irving gets up and runs off stage.

IRVING: He's crazy! Somebody help me!

DAN: You're not getting away that easy!

Dan chases Irving off. Off stage, begin beating a box against a wall slowly, rhythmically. With every hit, Irving screams out in pain. Clark speaks calmly over the noise.

CLARK: The Repent Man has been restoring peace and order to households for over twenty years. He has a passion for seeing married couples learn to live in peace and harmony that is only exceeded by, well, his passion for causing extreme pain and suffering in the unrepentant soul. He's discreet, he's bonded, and he's surprisingly affordable.

Irving staggers back on, bloody, his shirt a ragged mess. He falls to his knees, crawling across the stage. Dan stalks him and grabs him from behind.

DAN: Now say you're sorry!

IRVING: Never!

Dan slams Irving's face on the floor.

DAN: I said, say you're sorry!

IRVING: Well, maybe a little.

Dan slams Irving's face down again. This time, he drops a fake eyeball on the stage and lets it roll into view. Irving shuts one eye.

IRVING: Ahhh! My eye!

DAN: Say you're sorry!

IRVING: Okay, okay. (mutters) I'm sorry.

DAN: A little bit louder! (twists Irving's arm)

IRVING: I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again!

DAN: That good enough for you, ma'am?

MAUDE: Yes, that will do.

Dan gets up, hands Maude the clipboard.

DAN: Sign here, please.

MAUDE: I can't thank you enough.

DAN: No need to thank me. Seeing a couple like you make up is thanks enough.

CLARK: The Repent Man. You may never need him, but if you do, you will be sorry.

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