Reality
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Lisa- A TV
gossip addict
Vance and
Tasha- Gossip TV hosts
Mom- Lisa's
mom
Lisa
enters with a bowl of popcorn and a soda. She wears dirty sweatpants and a
raggedy, over-sized T-shirt. She sits down and turns on the TV. Tasha and
Vance enter, stage left. They face the audience, as does Lisa, who is watching
the other two on TV.
TASHA:
Welcome back to gossip tonight, the show that chronicles the rise and brutal
downfall of all your favorite reality TV stars. I'm Tasha Sanchez-Smith.
VANCE: And
i'm Vance Hotness. Tonight, another look inside the ugly divorce between Party
of Thirteen stars, Kent and Tricia Huggins.
LISA:
Yessss!
TASHA:
That's right, Vance. More allegations that Tricia was the first to cheat in
this marriage, and not just with her bodyguard. An NBA All-Star, a Mexican
matador, and the guy who plays Captain Hook at DisneyLand have all come forward
with evidence that they, too, slept with this mother of eleven.
VANCE: What
a tramp! And speaking of tramps, we'll check in with that media slut herself,
Rita Margarita. We're hearing the next season of her show, Cougar on the Prowl,
will not only have her evaluating young coed hotties for love, but preparing to
give birth to octuplets while de-toxing from her latest bout with pain killers.
.
LISA: All
right!
TASHA: But
first, we want to look at the latest show that's sweeping the nation. It's got
everything America loves - an average young woman who was full of promise,
until her life went down the toilet.
LISA: Cool.
TASHA: And
best of all, this reality TV star has no idea she's on TV, allowing America to
sit in on her self-destruction without her every knowing it.
LISA: What
a loser.
VANCE:
That's right, Tasha, America is just going mad for Lisa McKendree.
Lisa
spits out her soda.
LISA: What?
TASHA:
Growing up, Lisa had a lot of promise. Teachers, parents, and friends saw a
successful young woman become captain of the cheerleading squad, class
president, and even the prom queen. She was even voted most likely to succeed.
VANCE: Ha
ha ha, boy did they get that wrong!
TASHA:
That's right, Vance. Tasha went from most likely to succeed to most likely to
give it up at a frat party in less than three drinks.
LISA: Oh my
gosh!
TASHA: Her
binge drinking and partying led to a loss of scholarship and a quick dismissal
from the Tennessee cheerleading squad.
LISA: I
wasn't forced to leave! I quit!
VANCE: Lisa
of course, denied any of this was her own fault, saying she quit on her own.
The same way she would later say she quit her education at Kenwood Community
College, ITT Tech, and Barbizon School of Beauty!
LISA:
Hey!!!
TASHA:
Since that time, Lisa's racked up a long string of short-lived jobs, everywhere
from Hickory Farms to a receptionist's job for a local exterminator. And I
don't have to tell you how she got that job.
LISA: You
better not!
VANCE: And
let's not forget what a terrible girlfriend she is. America was stunned by the
way she cheated on and then dumped nice guy Jared Quentin.
LISA: Who
told you that I cheated on him?
TASHA: And
to think, she actually thought she could get away with it.
LISA: I
did!
VANCE: No
she didn't. But while Jared went on to find love in season twenty-three of The
Bachelor, Lisa, continued her self-loathing and self-destruction, getting
dumped by everyone from the nerdy guy from high school who hit it big in
the stock market to the illegal alien who vaccuums the floorboards at the local
car wash.
LISA:
Manuel???
TASHA: And
viewers can look forward to and explosive episode tonight, when Lisa's family
and last remaining friends will band together in an intervention.
LISA: Intervention?
VANCE: It's
been a long time in coming, but her loved ones have had it with watching Lisa
waste her life away, sitting on the couch in dirty sweatpants and an
unflattering T-shirt watching trash TV while shoveling popcorn down her
throat and chugging diet soda. Let's hope they can get that loser into rehab!
LISA:
REHAB???
TASHA: Oh
who are we kidding, Vance? We don't want to see Lisa get straightened out any
more than we want to see Hollywood marriages last.
VANCE:
Here's hoping Lisa blows off those friends and family, and plunged even further
into the abyss of self-destruction. That's why we call it, Must See TV.
Lisa
clicks off the TV. Vance and Tasha drop their heads.
LISA: This
isn't real. It's all a dream. It's all a crazy, mixed-up--
There's
a knock at the door.
MOM: Lisa?
Lisa, honey, it's your Mom. Can we talk?
Blackout.
Copyright 2009 by Sunday
School Dropouts