Heaven's Funniest Rapture Videos

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Bob Gabriel- Host

Larry- Businessman

Debbie- The "other" woman

Dave- A Christian who smokes pot

Julio- Drug dealer

Kate- A gossip queen

Louis- Loves internet porn

Jeffrey- A guy who had to "go"

Bob Gabriel enters onto a TV set.

BOB- Hello, and welcome to Heaven's Funniest Rapture Videos. Everyone here in Heaven, and God's family on Earth, was so thrilled to see the promised day of rapture come. But not everyone on Earth was quite as prepared as they could have been for the Lord's return. Yes, the Lord Jesus told them to wait like a servant waits for his master, not knowing the hour when they would return. But did they wait? Not everyone! Like Larry Masterson of Philadelphia, PA.

Cut to video of Larry and Debbie in a hotel.

LARRY- I'm so glad you reconsidered meeting me here. You don't know what you mean to me.

DEBBIE- But you're still wearing your wedding band!

LARRY- Only until I can serve her divorce papers!

DEBBIE- You promise?

LARRY- Debbie, you're the only one in my heart. I love--

Bob jumps into the scene, blows a horn. Debbie screams.

LARRY- What's that?

DEBBIE- An angel!

LARRY- What the--

BOB- It's rapture time, Larry! The Lord's calling you home!

LARRY- Right now? Holy ----

Cut to Bob in the studio.

BOB- Whoa, Larry! I don't think that was such a holy thing to say, or do! But he wasn't the only one caught with his pants down! Let's take a peek at Dave Rogers of Dallas, Texas.

Cut to video of Julio in a dark alley. Dave walks up.

DAVE- 'Sup?
JULIO- I know nothing, amigo.

DAVE- Give me a nickel bag!

JULIO- Fifteen bucks.

Bob jumps out and blows his horn.

DAVE- Aaahhh!! What the devil?

BOB- You mean what the angel! Time for the rapture, Dave. We're going to see Jesus!

DAVE- I can't go like this!!

Bob pulls Dave out of the shot.

JULIO- (looking at his bag of pot) Man, this is good stuff.

Cut to Bob in the studio.

BOB- Looks like his evening plans went up in smoke. I wonder if word would have gotten around to our next subject, Kate Spencer of Lanesville, Indiana! Surely she'd love this juicy piece of gossip.

Cut to Kate in her bedroom, on the phone.

KATE- So check it, I was listening to Deniece and Jenny in the locker room, and you'll never believe it. Deniece asked Jenny to drive her down to the abortion clinic! Oh yeah, that's right. She's getting an abortion tomorrow. And the worst part is, she doesn't know who the father is. Well, I heard she not only slept with Robbie, but Matt, Ben, and--

Bob enters, blows his horn. Kate screams.

KATE- How did you get here?

BOB- Rapture time, we're headed home!

KATE- Rapture? You mean... I'm going to heaven? Now?

BOB- You sure are.

KATE- Oh great. What's Jesus gonna think when he hears-- Did he hear what I was just saying?

BOB- You want to ask him yourself? Let's go!

Bob drags Kate out. Cut to the studio.

BOB- Whoa! I heard it through the grapevine that she was pretty embarrassed. But could she be more embarrassed than Louis Reynolds of Corning, New York?

Cut to Louis, on his computer, typing in chat.

LOUIS- Can... I view... your... cam? (watches screen) Whoa!! (types) You... are... really... hot!... Please... take... off... your... shirt!... What? Oh come on! (types) Come... on... show... your... boobs! (watches) Oh yeah! That's what I wanna see!

Bob enters, blows the horn, scaring Louis!

LOUIS- What's going on? Aw no!

Louis covers the screen with his hands.

BOB- The Lord's calling you home!

LOUIS- I can't... let me just close this window.

BOB- Won't do you any good! We see all!

LOUIS- Aww crap!

Cut to studio.

BOB- Yes, we heard a lot of Hallelujahs on rapture day, but probably just as many "Holy Craps!" and worse were also heard. If only you humans would have listened when the apostle Paul urged you to use your time wisely, serving the Lord rather than your own personal desires. But then, if you hadn't we wouldn't have so many great videos to share... or would we?

Cut to Jeffrey on a toilet, reading a newspaper. Bob jumps out and blasts his

trumpet. Jeffrey screams.

BOB- Time to go home, Jeffrey!

Cut back to the studio.

BOB- We'll be right back!

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