By John Cosper

CHARACTERS

Misty- The queen of America

Carl- Royal security

MISTY- Oh... my aching head.

CARL- Morning, Your Highness.

MISTY- (yawning) Morning. (eyes widen, closes robe) Who are you?

CARL- My name is Carl, Your Highness.

MISTY- Carl. Okay. You mind telling me what you're doing outside my bedroom?

CARL- This is my assigned post.

MISTY- Uh huh. Assigned by whom?

CARL- Michael Belknap, head of Royal Security.

MISTY- Royal security?

CARL- Yes, Your Highness.

MISTY- I'm sorry, would you mind elaborating on that royal security thing?

CARL- The Royal Security Force is your personal security detail.

MISTY- My personal security?

CARL- Yes, Your Highness.

MISTY- Why do you keep calling me that?

CARL- Because you are the Queen of America, Your Highness.

MISTY- What did I have to drink last night?

CARL- Twenty-one Bacardi's and a liter of Jack.

MISTY- No wonder I'm hallucinating about being Queen of America.

CARL- This is no hallucination, Your Highness. You really are the Queen of America.

MISTY- Uh huh. Carl, stand up.

MISTY- Okay. Let's start from the beginning.

CARL- The beginning?

MISTY- Yeah.

CARL- Well, ma’am, what’s the last thing you can remember?

MISTY- Graduating high school.

CARL- Ah yes. You had just finished high school and were planning to marry your high school sweetheart when you discovered he had been cheating on you. Enraged, you went out on a bender, drinking, smoking, huffing, snorting, shooting up everything you could get your hands on. While under the influence, you decided to run for president. Your campaign was laughed at by political experts, but you gained such a huge following giving shoot-from-the hip speeches while completely ripped, you were elected in a landslide.

MISTY- I was elected president?

CARL- Yes, Your Highness.

MISTY- Okay. So how did I get to become Queen?

CARL- On your first day in office, you appointed a high school friend named Dave "Chainsaw" Gresham Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The next day, you took all of Congress out on the lawn and had them shot. After that, you marched on the National Archives, rolled the Constitution up in some weed, and smoked away our democracy.

MISTY- Really?

CARL- After that, it took a simple press statement, a few more executions, and you were Queen.

MISTY- Who did I kill?

CARL- The IRS, the Department of Agriculture, all 50 governors, and the cast from Friends.

MISTY- Even Joey?

CARL- I believe you said, you had to make an example of someone.

MISTY- Gosh. I've really made a mess of things, haven't I?

CARL- I wouldn't call it a total mess, Your Highness.

MISTY- Really?

CARL- You did expand the country by three more states.

MISTY- Which ones?

CARL- Ontario, Portugal, and Egypt.

MISTY- How did I manage that?

CARL- We got Ontario when you put a gun in the mouth of the Canadian prime minister. You won Portugal when you challenged their ambassador to an arm wrestling match and stabbed him under the table. Then you bought Egypt from OPEC for $500 and a 6-Pack of Old Milwaukee.

MISTY- Sweet. So this isn't such a bad deal after all.

CARL- That depends on your definition of bad deal, Your Highness.

MISTY- Okay. How would you define bad deal?

CARL- According to CNN, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff will storm the White House at 11 AM this morning, drag you and the king from the House, and shoot you in a bloody coup de tat.

MISTY- Chainsaw's going to have me shot?? (thinks a second) Wait, what king?

CARL- Your husband, John Ratzenberger.

MISTY- Who in the world is John Ratzenberger?

CARL- You remember Cliff from Cheers?

MISTY- Why in the world did I marry him?

CARL- Various theories abound as to why, but the short answer is, one morning you woke up and said, "Bring me Cliff Clavin, and he will be my king."

MISTY- Great. So I get wasted, I run for president, destroy the country, marry some old guy, and now I am about to be shot?

CARL- That is correct.

MISTY- I thought you were my security detail. Aren't you supposed to protect me?

CARL- Well, as a member of your Secret Service detail, I took an oath to protect you and defend the Constitution.

MISTY- Good.

CARL- However, since you smoked the Constitution, I consider that oath to be void.

MISTY- Thanks for nothing. Maybe as my last act, I should have you shot.

CARL- Your Highness, if I may, might I suggest you have some breakfast.

MISTY- Food? At a time like this?

CARL- Your Highness does not understand, but when I say breakfast, I mean a Belgian waffle and a fifth of vodka.

MISTY- That's breakfast? Okay. (stands) Might as well. Not like I can do any more damage.

CARL- Don't say that, Your Highness.

MISTY- Oh, why not?

CARL- Last time you said that, you nuked Disney World.

Copyright 2005 by Righteous Insanity. For more skits by John Cosper visit www.righteousinsanity.com

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