Church Progress

By Jack Hall

www.sundayschooldropouts.com

CHARACTERS

Bill- A traditional believer

Mitch- A progressive believer

Janie- A more progressive believer

Dave- An even more progressive believer

Sandra - Is so progressive, it's scary!

Bill enters.

BILL: So if you're looking for a family-friendly place to grow in the Lord, come on down and experience that old time religion at the First Denominational Church, located on the corner of State and Main since 1955. It's church the way you remember it, the way your parents remember it. Member of the United Denominational Churches Association of America.

Mitch enters.

MITCH: Denominational Churches of America? Please! Denominations are so 19th Century. You want to experience a new kind of church? Check out First Non-Denominational Church. No stuff rituals, no robes, and no boring hymnals. We offer a seeker-friendly environment with hip music and lively preaching guaranteed not to put you to sleep. If your church life needs a kick in the pants, try the First Non-Denominational Church, located in the non-descript metal building without a cross at the corner of Turner and Lively.

Janie enters.

JANIE: Blah blah blah. Denominations, non-denominations, it's still the same old stuffy church. If you're tired of that old time religion, bad music and hypocrites, then come on down to the First Post-Modern Church. At Post-Modern, you can come as you are, even if that means wearing the same dingy throw-back tee you've worn to bed for a month. Worship side by side with like-minded, post-modern thinkers in candle-lit comfort to worship songs that don't sound like elevator music. That's the First Post-Modern Church, located in the basement of the old Seventh Day Adventist Church on Sussex.

Dave enters.

DAVE: Hold it, hold it a minute! The post-modern era is over, and emerging out of the ashes, like a Phoenix is the Emerging Church! Come emerge with us every Sunday to uplifting music in an environment where God is good and all are welcome - unless you're a Republican. That's the Emerging Church, located in the former Loews Theater Complex on Euclid.

Sandra enters.

SANDRA: Wow. You all are so far behind the times, it's almost sad. But I can forgive you, because I just joined a new church, a church that is so progressive, so advanced, so emergent, so far past post-modern, that it hasn't even been formed yet. That's right, this church is so completely ahead of its time it will break off, split apart, and re-form itself at least six times before it actually hosts its first worship service. There's no pastor, no building... heck, we don't even have members. Just a wait list of seekers, young and old, who are desperate to find the next big thing, that new and improved church that will finally, once and for all, be the kind of church WE want to have!

JANIE: Whoa! A church that's so progressive it hasn't been formed yet?

DAVE: Sign me up for that.

MITCH: Hey, me too. That sounds like the kind if church I want to have.

DAVE: It's the church of my dreams.

JANIE: At last, a church that understands what I need.

BILL: What you need? What's the matter with you people? Church isn't about getting what we want. It's about meeting the Lord and getting to know him, not some self-indulgent, spiritual back rubs!

DAVE: (scoffs, laughing) Check out the Pharisee.

Dave, Janie, Sandra, and Mitch exit together. Bill goes the other way.

DAVE: So what's it called?

SANDRA: The church? It doesn't have a name yet.

JANIE: A church without a name? That's the coolest thing ever.

MITCH: Do you have a cross?

SANDRA: Yeah, right, like that means anything these days.

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