Pat and Friends
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Phoebe, Monica, Rachel,
Ross, Joey, Chandler
Pat
Robertson
The
stage is set like the girls' apartment from Friends. Phoebe is on the couch, doing her
makeup. Monica enters with an arm full of brochures.
MONICA: I
can't believe it. The stupid wedding hall canceled on us.
PHOEBE: Oh
no!
MONICA:
That's the third cancellation today. I lost my caterer, and the band just this
morning. My perfect wedding day is falling apart.
PHOEBE:
What are you going to do?
MONICA:
Well, there's another place on the East Side. They said I could look at it
tonight. You wanna go with me?
PHOEBE: I
can't. I'm going out with Pat again tonight.
MONICA: The
new guy we keep hearing about but never meet?
PHOEBE:
He'll be here any minute to pick me up.
MONICA: Really?
Who is this guy again, a telemarketer?
PHOEBE:
Televangelist.
MONICA:
You're dating a televangelist named Pat?
Pat
enters.
PAT: Hello,
my little Phoebe girl.
PHOEBE:
Patsy Watsy!
Phoebe
runs to him and gives him an Eskimo kiss.
MONICA:
Patsy Watsy?
PHOEBE:
Pat, this is Monica. She lives across the hall with her fiance. Monica, this is
Pat Robertson.
MONICA:
Nice to meet you.
PAT: Nice
to meet you, too.
MONICA:
Love to stay and chat, but my happy wedding day is falling apart. It's like God
is punishing me.
PAT: He
probably is.
MONICA:
What?
PAT: You're
living with your groom-to-be before the wedding, right? God is punishing you
for living in sin.
At this
point Monica gets angry, offended. Phoebe remains bubbly, amused by Pat, even
as he judges her friends.
MONICA: He
is?
PAT: It
seems pretty obvious to me. You're lucky it's just your wedding plans and
not your house burning down. God is warning you.
MONICA:
Okay, well, thanks for that, and... I'm gonna go. Nice guy, Phoebe.
Monica
exits.
PAT: She
seems very nice. I hope she repents.
PHOEBE:
Shall we go?
Rachel
enters. Ross enters, following her.
ROSS:
Rachel, come on!
RACHEL: Go
away, Ross. I don't want to talk to you any more.
ROSS:
Rachel, just tell me why! Why!
Rachel
exits.
PHOEBE:
What's the matter, Ross?
ROSS:
Rachel broke up with me again! Why does this always happen to me? I'll never
find love.
PAT: Sounds
to me like God is punishing you.
ROSS: It
does? What did I ever do?
PAT: Aren't
you the paleontologist?
ROSS: Yes.
PAT: Well
there you go. God is punishing you for teaching evolution.
ROSS: Oh
no! What if I said I was sorry? Would she take me back?
PAT: You'll
have to take it up with him. I'm just the messenger.
ROSS: (runs
after Rachel) Rachel! I think we need to pray.
Ross
exits. Joey enters.
PAT: My
goodness, another friend?
PHOEBE:
Pat, this is Joey. Joey, Pat Robertson.
JOEY: (sad) Hey.
PHOEBE:
What's the matter Joey?
JOEY: You
wanna know what's the matter? (points at his hair) Look! I gotta gray
hair! My acting career is over.
PAT: Well,
I'm not surprised. Acting is an evil endeavor, shamed by the Lord. It's pretty
obvious he's punishing you.
JOEY: Oh
yeah? How do you explain your gray hair, pops? God must really hate you.
Pat
grabs Joey by the collar.
PAT:
Listen, you little pipsqueak, I can leg press five thousand pounds. Don't mess
with me!
Pat
throws Joey out.
PAT: It
sure is nice meeting all your friends. Are there more?
Chandler
enters.
CHANDLER:
Oh, man, Phoebe, I am in trouble!
PAT:
There's more.
PHOEBE:
What's the matter, Chandler?
CHANDLER:
I'll tell you what's the matter. I just wrecked my car. A street sweeper
blindsided me. The car's totaled. What am I gonna tell Monica?
PAT: Tell
her God is calling you both to repentance.
CHANDLER:
Repentance? For what?
PAT:
Because you’re both living in sin, and you, in particular, are leading a double
life.
CHANDLER:
Double life? What do you mean, double life?
PAT: You're
a closeted homosexual, right?
CHANDLER:
I'm not gay!
PAT: Ha ha,
sure you're not.
CHANDLER:
Where did you find this guy? I thought you said you met in a club.
PAT: We
did. The 700 Club!
Chandler
exits. Rachel walks through.
PAT: Well,
shall we go?
PHOEBE: Let
me grab my purse.
Phoebe
reaches for her purse. She yelps when her hand hits the table.
PAT:
Something wrong?
PHOEBE: Oh,
I just cracked a nail. I guess God's punishing my sin too, huh?
PAT: He
probably is.
PHOEBE:
Really? What did I do?
PAT: You
don't take care of your cat.
Phoebe's
happy, star-struck attitude towards Pat vanishes instantly.
PHOEBE:
What?
PAT: God
gave us dominion over all the creatures of the Earth. And God is punishing you
for neglecting your cat.
PHOEBE:
Come again?
PAT: If
you'd give that animal a bath now and then, maybe God wouldn't hate you so
much.
Pause,
then Phoebe decks Pat.
PHOEBE: Say
what you want about my friends. You can say what you want about me. But nobody
- NOBODY!!!! Says anything about Smelly Cat!
Copyright
2010 by Sunday School Dropouts