Nordic Moon
By Jack Hall
ANNOUNCER:
Coming soon, from the makers of "Twilight" and "New Moon,"
she was an ordinary girl who met a boy who turned out to be... extraordinary!
Bella
walks on stage. Kyle rides on a skateboard, heading towards her.
KYLE:
Look out!
Edvard runs
on and savagely attacks Kyle with his axe, saving Bella. He turns and
stares at Bella.
BELLA:
You saved my life. Who are you?
EDVARD:
My name is Edvard, yah!
BELLA:
You're not like other boys, are you?
EDVARD:
No. I am... a cowboy!
BELLA:
(long pause) Uhhh,
what?
EDVARD:
I am a cowboy.
BELLA:
A cowboy?
EDVARD:
Yah.
BELLA:
You don't look like a cowboy.
EDVARD:
Dat is because everyzing written about cowboys is wrong. Zee? Look, I have axe
like cowboy. And furry coat like cowboy.
BELLA:
Cowboys don't carry axes. They carry guns! And they don't wear fur coats
either!
EDVARD:
How do you know? Have you ever seen a cowboy?
BELLA:
Yes.
EDVARD:
Not in a movie. I mean a real one.
BELLA:
Yes.
EDVARD:
No you haven't.
BELLA:
Yes, I have! I have pictures of them in my history book. See?
Bella
pulls out her text book.
BELLA:
Look, those are cowboys. You, not a cowboy.
EDVARD:
Then vat am I if I am not a cowboy?
BELLA:
A viking.
EDVARD: I
am not a viking!
BELLA:
Do you ride a horse?
EDVARD:
Cowboys do not ride horses.
BELLA:
Yes they do.
EDVARD:
No, zey do not. If zey did, I would ride one.
BELLA:
Then what do you ride?
EDVARD:
A long boat with a dragon head on zee front.
BELLA:
You're a viking!
EDVARD:
I am not! Look, look, there's something you have to see. I prove it to you.
Edvard
runs off. He comes back with a viking helmet, complete with horns.
EDVARD:
Vat do you think? Vood a viking vear zis?
BELLA:
Uh, yeah.
EDVARD:
I am not a viking! I am a cowboy!
BELLA:
You ever rope a calf?
EDVARD:
No.
BELLA:
Play poker?
EDVARD:
No.
BELLA:
Drink whiskey?
EDVARD:
Vy vood I drink viskey? Cowboys drink mead!
BELLA:
Ever sack Amsterdam?
EDVARD:
Twice last year.
BELLA:
You're a viking!
Bella
exits.
EDVARD:
Wait! Come back! I prove I am cowboy!
ANNOUNCER:
From the producers of "Twilight" and "New Moon" comes the
story of a viking--
Edvard
stares out at the unseen narrator.
ANNOUNCER:
Sorry, I mean a cowboy. No really, he's a cowboy. "Nordic Moon,"
coming soon to a theatre near you.
Al
enters, dressed as an Apache warrior.
AL:
How, white man.
EDVARD:
Who are you?
AL: Can't
you tell? I am Al Capone.
EDVARD: Zat
is zee dumbest zing I have ever heard.
Copyright
2009 by Sunday School Dropouts