No Happy Holiday!
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Rob and
Rachel- Greeters at a church
Trina- Head
of the greeters committee
Jeff-
Pastor of Outreach
Rob
stands at the door to his church, holding it open for people entering the
church. If possible, have a line of extras to walk through as church goers for
Rob to greet.
ROB- Merry
Christmas! Merry Christmas, folks! Welcome to the Lord’s house. Merry
Christmas! Merry Christmas, welcome!
Rachel
enters.
RACHEL- Hi,
Rob.
ROB- Hey,
Rachel, Merry Christmas!
RACHEL-
Merry Christmas to you.
ROB- Having
a good one?
RACHEL-
After a service like that, how can I not?
ROB- Boy, I
can’t wait to get in there. Merry Christmas, folks!
RACHEL- I’ve
got your post this hour. Better get in there and find a seat.
ROB- I
appreciate it. Merry Christmas, Rachel!
RACHEL-
Merry Christmas!
Rob
exits. Rachel takes up the greeting work.
RACHEL-
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, welcome. Merry Christmas. Hello, Happy
Holidays.
The
stage lights dim instantly, and red strobe lights start flashing. Loud wailing
sirens go off. Rachel jumps, startled.
RACHEL-
What the… what’s going on? Is this a fire drill? No one panic! Please do not—
The
sirens stop. Rob, Trina, and Pastor Jeff enter.
RACHEL-
Pastor Jeff? What’s going on?
JEFF- Shut
your yap, Rachel, before you spread any more dangerous, pagan messages!
RACHEL-
Pagan? What happened? What did I do?
TRINA- You
just violated Church Greeters Code 12.25-00, which states all greeters must
greet incoming church members during Christmas services with the proper Christmas
greeting.
RACHEL-
What did I say?
JEFF- You
said Happy Holidays, Rachel!!
RACHEL- I
what?
TRINA- Don’t
lie, Rachel, our false greeting listening devices are finely tuned for any
pagan greetings.
RACHEL- I
didn’t mean—Wait. You have listening devices for that?
TRINA- Didn’t
think you’d get caught, did you?
RACHEL- I
am a believer! Look, if I said anything, it was probably force of habit.
JEFF-
Because you’re a pagan??
RACHEL- No!
Because I have to say Happy… you know what at work!
ROB- You
mean you say it during the week, in the world, where you should be living for
Jesus??
RACHEL- I
have to!
ROB- So you’re
ashamed of Christmas?
RACHEL- I’m
not ashamed of Christmas! I just don’t want to spend it in the unemployment line!
ROB- I can’t
believe it. Jesus died for you, and you won’t eat a little government cheese?
You make me sick!
JEFF-
Trina, you’re the head of the greeters committee. Don’t you all have a strict,
thorough screening process for potential greeters?
TRINA- We
do, Pastor Jeff.
JEFF- Then
how did this woman get assigned to such a critical post?
TRINA- I
don’t know. I thought I knew you, Rachel. I thought you were a believer!
RACHEL- I
am a believer!
JEFF-
Sorry, Rachel, the evidence is just not present in your life. Trina, please
escort Rachel to my office. We’ll begin our investigation into this
immediately.
Trina
starts leading Rachel off.
TRINA-
Thanks a lot, Rachel!
JEFF- Rob,
you mind taking the door for another hour?
ROB- My
pleasure, Pastor.
JEFF- You’re
a true servant, Rob.
Jeff
exits.
ROB- Merry
Christmas! Merry Christmas, folks. Welcome to the house of love!
Blackout.
Copyright
2005 by Sunday School Dropouts