No Happy Holiday!
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Rob and Rachel- Greeters at a church
Trina- Head of the greeters committee
Jeff- Pastor of Outreach
Rob stands at the door to his church, holding it open for people entering the church. If possible, have a line of extras to walk through as church goers for Rob to greet.
ROB- Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, folks! Welcome to the Lord’s house. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, welcome!
Rachel enters.
RACHEL- Hi, Rob.
ROB- Hey, Rachel, Merry Christmas!
RACHEL- Merry Christmas to you.
ROB- Having a good one?
RACHEL- After a service like that, how can I not?
ROB- Boy, I can’t wait to get in there. Merry Christmas, folks!
RACHEL- I’ve got your post this hour. Better get in there and find a seat.
ROB- I appreciate it. Merry Christmas, Rachel!
RACHEL- Merry Christmas!
Rob exits. Rachel takes up the greeting work.
RACHEL- Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, welcome. Merry Christmas. Hello, Happy Holidays.
The stage lights dim instantly, and red strobe lights start flashing. Loud wailing sirens go off. Rachel jumps, startled.
RACHEL- What the… what’s going on? Is this a fire drill? No one panic! Please do not—
The sirens stop. Rob, Trina, and Pastor Jeff enter.
RACHEL- Pastor Jeff? What’s going on?
JEFF- Shut your yap, Rachel, before you spread any more dangerous, pagan messages!
RACHEL- Pagan? What happened? What did I do?
TRINA- You just violated Church Greeters Code 12.25-00, which states all greeters must greet incoming church members during Christmas services with the proper Christmas greeting.
RACHEL- What did I say?
JEFF- You said Happy Holidays, Rachel!!
RACHEL- I what?
TRINA- Don’t lie, Rachel, our false greeting listening devices are finely tuned for any pagan greetings.
RACHEL- I didn’t mean—Wait. You have listening devices for that?
TRINA- Didn’t think you’d get caught, did you?
RACHEL- I am a believer! Look, if I said anything, it was probably force of habit.
JEFF- Because you’re a pagan??
RACHEL- No! Because I have to say Happy… you know what at work!
ROB- You mean you say it during the week, in the world, where you should be living for Jesus??
RACHEL- I have to!
ROB- So you’re ashamed of Christmas?
RACHEL- I’m not ashamed of Christmas! I just don’t want to spend it in the unemployment line!
ROB- I can’t believe it. Jesus died for you, and you won’t eat a little government cheese? You make me sick!
JEFF- Trina, you’re the head of the greeters committee. Don’t you all have a strict, thorough screening process for potential greeters?
TRINA- We do, Pastor Jeff.
JEFF- Then how did this woman get assigned to such a critical post?
TRINA- I don’t know. I thought I knew you, Rachel. I thought you were a believer!
RACHEL- I am a believer!
JEFF- Sorry, Rachel, the evidence is just not present in your life. Trina, please escort Rachel to my office. We’ll begin our investigation into this immediately.
Trina starts leading Rachel off.
TRINA- Thanks a lot, Rachel!
JEFF- Rob, you mind taking the door for another hour?
ROB- My pleasure, Pastor.
JEFF- You’re a true servant, Rob.
Jeff exits.
ROB- Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, folks. Welcome to the house of love!
Blackout.
Copyright 2005 by Sunday School Dropouts