No Communion for You!

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Announcer

Gary- A church usher

Don- A visitor from another denomination

ANNOUNCER- (off stage) Communion is a time of celebration, where those who have been saved unto Christ may come forward and commune with the Lord. If you are a believer, please come forward, and one of our ushers will assist you in receiving the elements.

Don walks down the aisle. Gary is waiting for him, stopping him with a hand.

GARY- May I help you?

DON- I was going to take communion.

GARY- I don’t recognize you.

DON- Well, I’m sort of new here.

Gary pulls out a palm pilot.

GARY- Name?

DON- Uh, Don?

GARY- Short for Donald?

DON- Yes.

GARY- Last name?

DON- Kroeger, K-R-O-E-G-E-R.

GARY- Date of birth?

DON- Seriously? 1-13-81.

GARY- Social Security Number?

DON- Social Security?

GARY- Please, sir. It’s for your protection.

DON- 4-8-15-16-23-42.

GARY- One moment.

The palm pilot beeps.

GARY- You’re not on the church roll.

DON- I know that. I’m a visitor. First time, actually.

GARY- Hmm. Better cross-check that.

DON- Cross-check?

GARY- Just a routine check, sir. Gotta run your info through the international church database, the FBI database, and Interpol.

DON- Interpol? What do you think I am?

GARY- I assure you, this is all routine.

DON- Routine? I thought all you needed to do was believe in the Lord Jesus to receive communion.

GARY- A common misconception. You need to know Jesus as your Savior, but you need to know him in the right way.

DON- The right way? What does that mean?

The palm pilot beeps.

GARY- Ah, good news. You’re not a terrorist.

DON- I’m relieved.

GARY- No outstanding warrants, no felonies. Looks like you have a copy of Predator 2 that’s overdue at Blockbuster.

DON- I thought I returned that.

GARY- Apparently not.

DON- Is that going to keep me from communion?

GARY- Bad taste and delinquent video rentals are no hindrance to communion. Unfortunately, you were baptized in the wrong denomination.

DON- What??

GARY- That’s right. You’re not one of us. I can’t let you pass.

DON- Look, pal, I got saved in the third grade. I’ve been taking communion all my life!

GARY- Not with us you haven’t.

DON- So that’s it? You’re not going to allow me to take communion at all?

GARY- I never said that. We can let you take communion here.

DON- Yeah?

GARY- As soon as you complete our eight week course in which you will learn our beliefs, traditions, and renounce the evil ways you once followed.

DON- Forget this, man. I’ll find another church.

GARY- Sir, please, don’t go away mad.

DON- Why not?

GARY- Jesus still loves you. And so do we. Even if you’re a heretic.

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