News for Atheists

By John Cosper

TOM: Good evening. In world news tonight, humankind took another step forward in the nation of Backwardistan, as more than twenty-thousand people were put to death by that nation's president Garfield Falsename. President Falsename, a member of that country's ruling Haku tribe, ordered the execution of the minority Fatu tribesmen because, quote, "Their race is a blight on this country." While the Backwardistan government has been condemned worldwide, we at News for Atheists believe President Falsename is a brave defender of the advancement of the human race and congratulate him for his actions.

On the local scene, tragedy struck our fair city as two brave and strong firefighters perished in a three alarm fire at a local housing complex. Even more tragic, a mother and her three sickly children, all on welfare, survived the blaze thanks to the actions of the brave firefighters.

In science news today, geneticists have now discovered the gene that causes people to become Trekkies, giving parents-to-be and doctors one more tool for screening and eliminating fetuses that are just not fit for survival. Sociologists expect this discovery will enable us to wipe out any interest in Star Trek within the next generation.

In sports, Troy Allstarr set a new NFL record this weekend throwing for more than 1000 yards in a single game. Troy's girlfriend, Victoria's Secret supermodel Lucy Diva, was at the game, and is reported to be pregnant. We at News for Atheists are very excited about the news and expect their offspring to be beautiful, strong, and talented.

Meanwhile in Hollywood, that do-gooder couple of Luke Handsome and Sally Drama are up to it again, adopting three more special needs kids. I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of these bleeding hearts giving a better life to kids who really just aren't fit to survive.

And now for a check of the weather, here's Tammy.

(Cut to Tammy outside.)

TAMMY: Bob, we're expecting a major cold snap to hit the local area tomorrow night. Local homeless shelters will do their best to counter the advancement of the human race, but the good news is we can still expect a few homeless losers and old people will succumb to the cold.

(Cut back to Bob.)

BOB: Coming up, the Surgeon General suggests a radical but bold new treatment for people suffering from male pattern baldness: death penalty! We'll be back, after this word.

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