Miss Virginia 1794
By John Cosper
CHARACTERS
Patrick
Henry
Benjamin
Franklin
Thomas
Jefferson
Patrick
Henry and Benjamin Franklin are in Franklin's press shop, looking over the Constitution.
PATRICK:
Well, Benjamin Franklin, I think the Constitution of the United States is
finally ready.
BEN: Me
too, Patrick Henry. The Bill of Rights was a wonderful addition to our nationls
founding document. I particularly like that part about freedom of speech and
freedom of the press.
PATRICK: I
thought you would, being a newspaper man.
BEN: Every
man has the freedom to speak his own mind, Patrick Henry. We must never let
that precious right be trampled.
Tom
enters.
TOM: Hey,
guys.
BEN: Well,
Thomas Jefferson, my old friend. You seem a little down.
TOM: I am
down, Benjamin Franklin. Hi Patrick Henry.
PATRICK:
What's the matter, Thomas Jefferson?
TOM: Oh
it's that dang beauty pageant winner back home.
BEN: You
mean Miss Virginia?
TOM: Yeah,
Carrie Pilgrim. Bah! I wish I'd never seen that meddling tart.
PATRICK:
What did she do?
TOM: You
didn't hear? Do you know what she said in front of the whole 13 colonies?
BEN:
States. We're states now.
TOM: Sorry,
I keep forgetting.
PATRICK: Go
on, Thomas Jefferson. You were saying?
TOM: She
said, "I don't think anybody should own slaves. No offense to anybody out
there, but that's just the way I was raised."
PATRICK:
Wow, good for her speaking her mind that way.
TOM: Good
for her? Do you know how many slaves I own, Patrick Henry? I've got so many
slaves, my girlfriend is a slave!
PATRICK:
Wow. That is a lot of slaves.
TOM: She
embarrassed me. And now she's going around with all those abolitionists
protesting slavery. I can't deal with her another year. I think I may fire
her.
PATRICK:
What? You can't fire her for speaking her mind!
TOM: Why
not?
PATRICK:
She has the right to freedom of speech!
TOM: Says
who?
PATRICK:
Says the Constitution of the United States of America!
TOM: It does?
BEN:
Amendment one, Thomas Jefferson.
TOM: Aw,
fiddlesticks. Now I'm stuck with her for a year.
BEN: I
don't know about that, Thomas Jefferson. There are other ways to get rid of
her.
PATRICK:
Are you thinking duel?
BEN: No.
But what if Miss Virginia fails to live up to pageant obligations?
TOM: Such
as?
BEN: She's
not cooperative. She doesn't make appearances. She doesn't stay in
communication.
TOM: But
she does all that, Ben.
BEN: The
public doesn't know how many times you asked her to go certain places. And the
public doesn't know about how often she communicates with you. Put out a vague
press release saying she's fired for failing to meet contractual obligations,
and let us media hounds do the rest.
TOM: That's
a great idea. Then nobody has to know I fired her for speaking her mind.
BEN:
Because you didn't fire her for that. Contractual obligation, Thomas Jefferson.
TOM: But
how do I fire her? She knows she's done everything right. I can't go to her.
BEN: Then
let me do it. I'll contact her as a member of the media to get a comment on
your press release.
TOM:
Benjamin Franklin, you're a genius.
BEN: Thank
you, Thomas Jefferson.
TOM: Be
back with that press release in five!
Tom
exits.
PATRICK:
This is wrong, you know, railroading that poor girl for standing up for her
beliefs.
BEN: Don't
lecture me on conscience, Patrick Henry. I'm a member of the media. I have
none. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an exclusive story.
Ben
exits. Patrick follows, shaking his head.
Copyright 2009 by Righteous
Insanity