What if David Lynch had directed Return of the Jedi?
By John Cosper
I read once on a Star
Wars fan site that George Lucas had approached art house director David Lynch
about directing Return
of the Jedi. Lucas thought better of the idea, and a different director took
the helm. However, this possibility has led to much discussion, speculation,
and "fan fiction" regarding the question what if the creator of Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, and Wild At Heart had put his mark on
the final episode of the original Star Wars trilogy? - Jack Hall
[Princess Leia enters
Jabba's palace disguised as Boussh the bounty hunter with Chewbacca in chains.
Jabba's throne room is surrounded by red curtains and has black and white
tiles. Jabba sits on a couch. The Little Man from Another Place (LMFAP) dances
for him. The shadow of a mynock floats across the red curtain.]
LMFAP- She's full of
secrets.
[Jabba presses the trap
door. The LMFAP falls through and is eaten by the Rancor.]
JABBA- Wookiees taste great
roasted.
[Leia takes off her mask.]
BOBA FETT- [points to Han
Solo] He's there. Wrapped in carbonite.
HAN SOLO- [frozen in
carbonite] New shoes. New shoes.
JABBA- The owls are not
what they seem.
[Leia walks over to Han
with Chewbacca. A white horse materializes in front of Jabba. Jabba presses the
trap door button, and the horse is eaten by the Rancor. Leia and Chewbacca push
Han's frozen body out of the room. Boba Fett tries to shoot, but his gun jams.
He opens it up.]
BOBA FETT- There was a fish
in the disintegrator.
[Jabba presses the trap
door button. Boba Fett is eaten by the Rancor.]
[Cut to Dagobah. Luke is
beside his X-Wing. He pulls out a tape recorder.]
LUKE- Diane, it's 1:33 am.
I have been on Dagobah three hours and no sign of Yoda.
[Luke hears a twig snap. He
spins around and sees the ghost of Obi Wan wearing a snake skin jacket.]
LUKE- Ben? What’s with the
new jacket?
OBI WAN KENOBI- This
snakeskin jacket symbolizes my individuality and belief in personal freedom.
LUKE- Huh?
[Luke turns and sees Darth
Vader. Luke whips out his lightsaber and cuts off Vader’s head. The head falls
to the ground and the mask explodes, like in Empire. Luke sees the face of Annie the
waitress.]
ANNIE- My name is Annie.
The good Dale and Laura are in the white lodge. Also, Darth Vader is your
father and Leia is your sister. Write it in your diary.
[Close up shot of a fire in
Yoda’s fire place. Back to Luke, who uses his force powers to levitate a
strange box. He looks it over, then pulls out his tape recorder.]
LUKE- Diane, I hold in my
hand a box of chocolate bunnies.
[Cut to Rebel command ship.
Admiral Ackbar stands beside a table lined with donuts stacked three high.
Luke, Han, Leia, Lando, and Chewie watch as Lil, a strange girl with red hair
and a red dress and a blue flower enters.]
ACKBAR- Her name is Lil.
[Lil raises a tightly
closed fist and makes a sour face.]
ACKBAR- She's my father's
daughter.
[On the command shuttle.]
LEIA- What did all that
mean back there?
LUKE- It's simple. Lil's
tightly closed fist means the natives will be hostile. And the sour face means
the food tastes terrible. Too bad. Luckily, I stopped off on Naboo on the way
out here to eat at the Double R Diner. Darn good pie, Darn good coffee.
LEIA- What did he mean by
my father's daughter?
LUKE- It means I have to
tell you...you are my sister.
HAN- Oh gosh! You two
kissed on Hoth, too!
LEIA- What about the blue
rose?
LUKE- I don't know. That
troubles me.
HAN- I’ve got a bad feeling
about this.
[Cut to Han, Leia, Luke,
and Chewie on Endor. Han has a Civil War Confederate uniform on, and a map with
Civil War soldiers on it.]
HAN- Now, if we can
maneuver around Grant's front...cut Sherman off at this point, before he
reaches Savannah...we can turn the whole course of the war.
LEIA- Yes, but how?
LUKE- Ackbar said there
would be natives to help us.
HAN- Yes, and we will help
them.
LEIA- Who?
HAN- The Pine Weasels.
[Luke walks away through
the woods and comes upon a circle of trees. He pulls out his tape recorder.]
LUKE- Diane, remind me to
find out what kind of trees these are.
[Luke walks into the circle
of trees. Cut to him walking through a red curtain onto a black and white tiled
floor. The Emperor is on his throne.]
EMPEROR- In the darkness of
the future past The Magician longs to see One chants out between two worlds
fire, walk with me!
VADER- Heads up, Tails up,
running to you scallywag! Night falls, morning calls! Catch you with my death
bag!! You may think I have gone insane, but I promise I will kill again!
LUKE- NEVER!!!!
[Luke whips out his
lightsaber and slices Vader's helmet open. A human ear falls to the ground.]
LUKE- That’s a human ear
all right.
VOICE OVER INTERCOM- Lord
Vader, we've lost the force field. Something's gone wrong on the Endor Moon.
[Cut to shot of
Stormtroopers being over run and eaten alive by pine weasels.]
EMPEROR- What kind of a
two-bit operation are they running out of this tree house, Vader? I have seen
some slipshod backwater battle stations but this place takes the cake. What are
you waiting for? Christmas? We’ve got work to do.
[Vader picks up the Emperor
and slams him head first into a mirror. The Emperor dies. Cut to Lando flying
the Millenium Falcon.]
LANDO- Remember those old
world war two movies? BANZAI!!!
[Lando blows up the Death
Star.]
HAN- I'm sure Luke wasn't
on that thing.
LEIA- I know he wasn't. I
can feel it.
HAN- I love you.
LEIA- I know.
HAN- It's like, if we could
put our hearts together and just keep them that way forever, we'd be safe.
LEIA- I know.
[Cut to the Rebel ship.
Luke wakes up in the infirmary.]
HAN- Luke, you're safe.
LUKE- Where's Leia?
HAN- She's okay. She was
shot in the battle but she'll be okay.
[Luke gets up walks to the
bathroom. he looks in the mirror and laughs dementedly.]
LUKE- Where's Leia? Where's
Leia?
[Camera pans. Luke's
reflection in the mirror is Darth Maul.]
THE END
Copyright
2005 by Righteous Insanity