Hemorrhoids of the Lost Ark
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Announcer
Bill- A bartender
Frankie, Doc, Wyatt-
Philistines
Howard the Goldsmith
Other customers
The
Indiana Jones theme plays. The stage is set like a western bar, with a counter,
chairs, and tables. Bill is behind the counter, and a few customers, including
Frankie Doc, and Wyatt, sit at tables. Everyone is dressed as if from the Old
West. They are all frozen. The announcer speaks over the music.
ANNOUNCER- In 1936, an
archaeologist dug through the ruins of Egypt to uncover the lost Ark of the
Covenant. Three thousand years before Dr. Jones in the land of the Philistines,
another man, a goldsmith named Howard, had an encounter of his own with the
Ark. This is his story.
Music fades out.
Everyone begins moving. Howard enters, walks to the bar.
BILL- What'll it be,
stranger?
HOWARD- Water, please.
BILL- Just a water?
HOWARD- That’s all. I have
traveled many miles, and may travel many more before I am done.
BILL- Where you headed?
HOWARD- Any place an honest
goldsmith can earn an honest day’s work.
BILL- Goldsmith, eh?
HOWARD- Yes, I am Howard
the Goldsmith, the seventeenth finest artisan of my kind in all the land.
BILL- How do you do? I'm
Bill.
HOWARD- Perhaps you or
someone you know is in need of a goldsmith?
BILL- Not around these
parts.
HOWARD- Drat.
Frankie
stands with a painful grunt. He bends over quickly, a burning, painful
sensation in his nether regions. Then he slowly starts to make his way over to
the bar.
FRANKIE- (in anguish) Bar keep… one more round… please.
BILL- Sure thing, pal.
HOWARD- You okay, buddy?
You look to be in a bit of pain.
FRANKIE- (groans) Yeah? What do you know? You a
doctor?
HOWARD- No, sir. I am a
goldsmith. I am Howard the Goldsmith.
FRANKIE- Did you say…
goldsmith?
HOWARD- I did, good man.
FRANKIE- Wyatt! Doc! This
man is a goldsmith!
With a pained growl, Doc
and Wyatt stand in pain, then begin to stagger over.
WYATT- What’s that you say?
Goldsmith?
HOWARD- That’s right. I am
Howard the Goldsmith.
DOC- Dagon be praised! We
have found our answer!
HOWARD- And perhaps I mine.
DOC- Howard the Goldsmith,
this is Wyatt, and this is Frankie. And I am Doc.
HOWARD- Doc? Looks more
like you need a Doc.
DOC- If you only knew.
HOWARD- Forgive my saying
asking, but you fellas feeling all right?
WYATT- I won't lie,
partner. We're all in a world of pain where. And not just us, but the whole
city where we live.
HOWARD- Why is that?
WYATT- Well, sir, we are
Philistines, sworn enemies of the children of Israel. A few weeks ago, our
mighty Philistine Army captured the Ark of the Covenant from the Hebrews.
HOWARD- You’re kidding!
FRANKIE- Swear to Dagon! I
was there, I saw us capture it!
DOC- We took it home to our
country as a spoil of war, and placed it in the temple of Dagon. Next morning,
the statue of Dagon was fallen down, bowing before the Ark!
We set it upright, but the
next day it was bowed down again, broken into pieces.
HOWARD- I see. And you need
a new statue?
FRANKIE- That statue's the
least of our worries, Mister. You see, soon after, the whole town was infested
with plagues. We were overrun by rats and... and something worse.
DOC- Something FAR worse.
HOWARD- How worse?
DOC- Howard, you ever heard
of hemorrhoids?
HOWARD- Can't say that I
have. What are they?
DOC- Well, sir, it's...
Doc whispers to Howard.
Dramatic stinger music plays. Howard stands.
HOWARD- BY THE GODS
ABOVE!!! I've never heard of such a terrible fate! Such a pestilence!
WYATT- Oh yeah. The whole
town, everyone, walking around with that itching, burning sensation. So we
moved the Ark to another town.
HOWARD- And?
WYATT- And now they have
rats and hemorrhoids. So then we moved the Ark again, and--
HOWARD- Let me guess. They
have rats and hemorrhoids!
FRANKIE- We're desperate
men!
HOWARD- I don't blame you.
DOC- We have searched for a
cure, but our holy men have advised us the only sure way to rid ourselves of
the plague is to send the Ark back with an offering.
FRANKIE- That's where you
come in, stranger.
HOWARD- Oh no! I see the
way you guys are doubled over in pain. I'm not going near that thing.
WYATT- No, Howard. We need
you to create the offering.
HOWARD- What offering?
DOC- Five golden rats...
and five golden hemorrhoids.
HOWARD- Golden hemorrhoids?
FRANKIE- So we set out,
searching the whole kingdom for the finest goldsmith in the land.
HOWARD- I’m sorry to
disappoint you fellas, but I am only the seventeenth greatest goldsmith in all
the land.
DOC- That’s okay. We
already talked to the top sixteen. We're desperate.
WYATT- We’re in agony!
DOC- Will you help us?
HOWARD- I don’t know. It
seems like a dangerous task. Everyone that comes in contact with that Ark seems
to suffer… REALLY suffer.
WYATT- We’ll give you a
million gold coins and the bride of your choice from our city.
HOWARD- Your city? No way.
FRANKIE- Aww!
HOWARD- Make it a bride
from the city next door?
DOC- Deal!
Howard and Doc shake
hands. Frankie and Wyatt cheer.
DOC- Thank you, Howard the
Goldsmith!
HOWARD- Yeah. (looks at
his hand, then wipes it off on Frankie) My pleasure.
The men freeze. Music
fades up.
ANNOUNCER- And so it was
that Howard the Goldsmith fashioned the offering of five golden rats and five
golden hemorrhoids which were placed on a cart with the Ark of the Covenant.
Though Howard's name was nearly lost to history, his name would be immortalized
by Doc when he finally invented a relief treatment for hemorrhoids, calling
it... Preparation H!