Hemorrhoids of the Lost Ark
CHARACTERS
Announcer
Bill- A bartender
Frankie, Doc, Wyatt- Philistines
Howard the Goldsmith
Other customers
The Indiana Jones theme plays. The stage is set like a western bar, with a counter, chairs, and tables. Bill is behind the counter, and a few customers, including Frankie Doc, and Wyatt, sit at tables. Everyone is dressed as if from the Old West. They are all frozen. The announcer speaks over the music.
ANNOUNCER- In 1936, an archaeologist dug through the ruins of Egypt to uncover the lost Ark of the Covenant. Three thousand years before Dr. Jones in the land of the Philistines, another man, a goldsmith named Howard, had an encounter of his own with the Ark. This is his story.
Music fades out. Everyone begins moving. Howard enters, walks to the bar.
BILL- What'll it be, stranger?
HOWARD- Water, please.
BILL- Just a water?
HOWARD- That’s all. I have traveled many miles, and may travel many more before I am done.
BILL- Where you headed?
HOWARD- Any place an honest goldsmith can earn an honest day’s work.
BILL- Goldsmith, eh?
HOWARD- Yes, I am Howard the Goldsmith, the seventeenth finest artisan of my kind in all the land.
BILL- How do you do? I'm Bill.
HOWARD- Perhaps you or someone you know is in need of a goldsmith?
BILL- Not around these parts.
HOWARD- Drat.
Frankie stands with a painful grunt. He bends over quickly, a burning, painful sensation in his nether regions. Then he slowly starts to make his way over to the bar.
FRANKIE- (in anguish) Bar keep… one more round… please.
BILL- Sure thing, pal.
HOWARD- You okay, buddy? You look to be in a bit of pain.
FRANKIE- (groans) Yeah? What do you know? You a doctor?
HOWARD- No, sir. I am a goldsmith. I am Howard the Goldsmith.
FRANKIE- Did you say… goldsmith?
HOWARD- I did, good man.
FRANKIE- Wyatt! Doc! This man is a goldsmith!
With a pained growl, Doc and Wyatt stand in pain, then begin to stagger over.
WYATT- What’s that you say? Goldsmith?
HOWARD- That’s right. I am Howard the Goldsmith.
DOC- Dagon be praised! We have found our answer!
HOWARD- And perhaps I mine.
DOC- Howard the Goldsmith, this is Wyatt, and this is Frankie. And I am Doc.
HOWARD- Doc? Looks more like you need a Doc.
DOC- If you only knew.
HOWARD- Forgive my saying asking, but you fellas feeling all right?
WYATT- I won't lie, partner. We're all in a world of pain where. And not just us, but the whole city where we live.
HOWARD- Why is that?
WYATT- Well, sir, we are Philistines, sworn enemies of the children of Israel. A few weeks ago, our mighty Philistine Army captured the Ark of the Covenant from the Hebrews.
HOWARD- You’re kidding!
FRANKIE- Swear to Dagon! I was there, I saw us capture it!
DOC- We took it home to our country as a spoil of war, and placed it in the temple of Dagon. Next morning, the statue of Dagon was fallen down, bowing before the Ark!
We set it upright, but the next day it was bowed down again, broken into pieces.
HOWARD- I see. And you need a new statue?
FRANKIE- That statue's the least of our worries, Mister. You see, soon after, the whole town was infested with plagues. We were overrun by rats and... and something worse.
DOC- Something FAR worse.
HOWARD- How worse?
DOC- Howard, you ever heard of hemorrhoids?
HOWARD- Can't say that I have. What are they?
DOC- Well, sir, it's...
Doc whispers to Howard. Dramatic stinger music plays. Howard stands.
HOWARD- BY THE GODS ABOVE!!! I've never heard of such a terrible fate! Such a pestilence!
WYATT- Oh yeah. The whole town, everyone, walking around with that itching, burning sensation. So we moved the Ark to another town.
HOWARD- And?
WYATT- And now they have rats and hemorrhoids. So then we moved the Ark again, and--
HOWARD- Let me guess. They have rats and hemorrhoids!
FRANKIE- We're desperate men!
HOWARD- I don't blame you.
DOC- We have searched for a cure, but our holy men have advised us the only sure way to rid ourselves of the plague is to send the Ark back with an offering.
FRANKIE- That's where you come in, stranger.
HOWARD- Oh no! I see the way you guys are doubled over in pain. I'm not going near that thing.
WYATT- No, Howard. We need you to create the offering.
HOWARD- What offering?
DOC- Five golden rats... and five golden hemorrhoids.
HOWARD- Golden hemorrhoids?
FRANKIE- So we set out, searching the whole kingdom for the finest goldsmith in the land.
HOWARD- I’m sorry to disappoint you fellas, but I am only the seventeenth greatest goldsmith in all the land.
DOC- That’s okay. We already talked to the top sixteen. We're desperate.
WYATT- We’re in agony!
DOC- Will you help us?
HOWARD- I don’t know. It seems like a dangerous task. Everyone that comes in contact with that Ark seems to suffer… REALLY suffer.
WYATT- We’ll give you a million gold coins and the bride of your choice from our city.
HOWARD- Your city? No way.
FRANKIE- Aww!
HOWARD- Make it a bride from the city next door?
DOC- Deal!
Howard and Doc shake hands. Frankie and Wyatt cheer.
DOC- Thank you, Howard the Goldsmith!
HOWARD- Yeah. (looks at his hand, then wipes it off on Frankie) My pleasure.
The men freeze. Music fades up.
ANNOUNCER- And so it was that Howard the Goldsmith fashioned the offering of five golden rats and five golden hemorrhoids which were placed on a cart with the Ark of the Covenant. Though Howard's name was nearly lost to history, his name would be immortalized by Doc when he finally invented a relief treatment for hemorrhoids, calling it... Preparation H!