LOST IN BIG CHURCH

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

David- A man in need

Voicemail

Satan

Erin- An administrative assistant

Ted- A pastor

VOICEMAIL- Thank you for calling Community Church.

DAVID- Hi, I'd like to speak to--

VOICEMAIL- Please note, our menu has recently changed. Listen carefully to all of the options.

DAVID- What?

VOICEMAIL- For a listing of service times, press one. To reach a staff member, press two. To reach a certain ministry, press three. If you know the party's extension you wish to--

David presses "3."

VOICEMAIL- Please enter the first four digits of the name of the ministry you wish to reach.

David dials four digits.

VOICEMAIL- I'm sorry. I do not recognize that ministry name. Please enter the first four digits--

David dials again.

VOICEMAIL- I'm sorry. I do not recognize that ministry name. Please enter--

DAVID- Oh come on!

David dials again.

VOICEMAIL- I'm sorry. That is an invalid entry. To hear a listing of ministries, press one. If you are in immediate spiritual or emotional need, press two.

David presses "2."

VOICEMAIL- Thank you. To contact our emergency counseling services, please hang up, and dial 1-866-555-8704.

David hangs up.

DAVID- You have to be kidding.

Satan enters.

SATAN- Doesn't seem right, does it? Maybe your little heartache isn't a world-shattering issue, but if it's important to you, it must be important to Heaven. You'd think a place as big as that megachurch would be more than able to help. So how come you feel so... left out?

Erin enters, sits at her desk.

ERIN- Community Church, greeter's desk, how may I--

DAVID- I'd like to speak to a pastor.

ERIN- Which pastor would that be, sir?

DAVID- I don't know which pastor. Look, I've been attending six months, I'm in need of a little spiritual counseling.

ERIN- Would you like a referral to our outside counseling services, available at a discount to members?

DAVID- I'd like to speak to a pastor some time.

ERIN- Which pastor, sir?

DAVID- Does it really matter? The men's ministry.

ERIN- Is that young men's, married men's, single agains, or elder saints?

DAVID- Young men's, I guess.

ERIN- And do you have an appointment?

DAVID- That's the whole reason I called, to make an appointment!

ERIN- So you don't have an appointment?

DAVID- No!! I'd like to make an appointment to meet with the young men's pastor.

ERIN- One moment, I'll connect you with his assistant.

DAVID- Assistant? Now wait just a--

SATAN- You know what his book says. Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. What they failed to mention is the people who can show you where to cast your anxieties lie on the other side of a labyrinth of push buttons, call screeners, and oh yeah...

TED- (voice) You have reached the voice mail of Ted Grosser, assistant minister of pastoral care to young men's. I'm so sorry I missed your call.

SATAN- Still you persist, remembering the parable of the persistent widow. She fought and begged and yelled until the king answered. Surely the same result will come your way, once you get that caring, kind pastor on the line.

Erin exits. Ted enters, talking on a cell phone.

TED- Ted Grosser.

DAVID- Ted! Thank goodness I got you. My name is David, and I've been attending Community for six months. I'm really in need--

TED- I'm sorry, who is this?

DAVID- My name is David. I go to your church--

TED- And I would know you from?

DAVID- From church! I mean, not that we've met. You're always rushed out after Sunday School to your next--

TED- And do we have an appointment?

DAVID- Not yet. I've been trying to set one up for weeks.

TED- Have you called my assistant?

DAVID- Several times. I finally got your cell number from a friend--

TED- Then you know that this line is not for personal use.

DAVID- Look, all I need is an hour, a lunch, some time when I can tell you what's going on and get a little advice.

TED- Ah, perhaps you need our outside counseling service.

DAVID- I don't need a counselor! I need a pastor!

SATAN- No one can say you didn't tried to do it His way. All you needed was one person, one mature believer to sit and listen. But instead...

TED- David? Ted Grosser.

DAVID- Hi, Ted. Are we still on for lunch?

TED- Of course we are, buddy, wouldn't miss it.

DAVID- Great.

TED- Of course, Dr. Hogan, our involvement minister is coming along, because I owe him a lunch from the office NCAA pool.

DAVID- Well, I guess that's okay.

TED- I'm also bringing our worship leader Dave, and his seeker friend Charlie, and we might invite another random person we meet on the way. You know, always reaching out.

DAVID- But Ted, I wanted--

TED- I know, I know. Your crisis. I promise we'll address your needs over lunch.

SATAN- The fishers of men are using bigger nets. But bigger nets have bigger holes. All the better for losing tiny fish to the sharks.

DAVID- Never mind, Ted. I'll catch you some other time.

David hangs up. Ted shrugs and exits. Satan walks to where David is.

SATAN- They'll shake their heads, write you off, and ask why anyone would choose such a foolish path. Just tell them to look in the mirror. They denied you the individual attention you need. That's a mistake I will never make. Whether you come to me through drugs, through a cult, it just doesn't matter. When you reach the end of your rope I will be here... for you.

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