The Left Overs
By Jack & Gretchen Hall
CHARACTERS
Announcer
Tracie- An administrative assistant
Mr. Lumburgh- The boss
Buddy- The computer guy
Lawrence- An executive
Don- An accountant
Betty- Marketing
Dramatic music plays.
ANNOUNCER- From Revelation Studios… and the writer who brought you John 1, 2, and 3… Comes a story ripped from tomorrow’s headlines. When Jesus returns, there will be two kinds of people. The Chosen Elect… and… the LEFT OVERS!!
Lights up on an office break room. Tracie is unloading bags of groceries which include cold cuts, cheese, bread, chips, mayonnaise, brownies, and 2 liters. A coffee maker with a full pot of coffee is also set out, as are cups, plates, and napkins. Lumburgh enters. Music fades.
LUMBURGH- Hi, Tracie.
TRACIE- Hello, Mr. Lumburgh.
LUMBURGH- Everything ready for the employee luncheon?
TRACIE- Just as you asked. Turkey, ham, bread, chips, brownies, sodas, and coffee.
LUMBURGH- Excellent, excellent. Hopefully this will boost the morale we’ve lost around here since the CEO went AWOL.
Buddy enters with the numbers 666 written real big in black on his forehead.
BUDDY- Hey, Tracie, look at my cool new tattoo!
TRACIE- Oh my! It certainly is striking.
BUDDY- Isn’t it? Everybody’s getting them, it’s the coolest.
TRACIE- Did Mr. Lumburgh see it?
BUDDY- Are you kidding? Who do you think told me to get one?
LUMBURGH- That’s right, Tracie. You know, you should look into getting one.
TRACIE- Me, sir?
LUMBURGH- Absolutely. I think it would be lovely on you.
Buddy picks up a cup and the coffee pot.
BUDDY- You bet it would!
As Buddy pours a LOUD trumpet sounds, startling all three. Buddy pours the coffee on himself.
BUDDY- YEEEEOW!! That’s some hot coffee!
LUMBURGH- There’s that darn trumpet again.
TRACIE- Where did it come from?
LUMBURGH- I don’t know, but that’s the seventh time I’ve heard one.
BUDDY- Must be those ad guys on the sixth floor, with their recording studio.
LUMBURGH- Whatever it is, I’ve noticed it’s usually followed by bad news.
Lawrence enters.
LAWRENCE- Mr. Lumburgh, you won’t believe this! Four riders with breastplates like sulphur on horses with heads of lions are flying through the sky, wreaking havoc and destruction in their path.
LUMBURGH- See what I mean? First there was hail, then seas of blood, then locusts, and now lion-horses with riders.
LAWRENCE- This can’t be good for the economy. We’re going to have layoffs, aren’t we?
LUMBURGH- I wouldn’t worry about that. We’re still under capacity from all those religious nuts that vanished with Mr. Christian.
BUDDY- Say what you want, Mr. Lumburgh, but I am keeping my resume up to date.
Betty and Don enter.
DON- Hail, hail, the gang’s all here.
LAWRENCE- Please, don’t say hail!
LUMBURGH- Don, Betty, glad you could make it. Before we eat, I just want to say a few words. I know we’ve had a lot of set backs, with vanishing employees and natural disasters and that fiery abyss that opened up underneath our South Carolina plant. But I’m still here, and I still have faith in this company and all of you. Maybe the world is going to Hell in a handbasket, but this company will be here til the end of the world.
BETTY- Amen!
DON- Amen? What the crap does that mean?
BETTY- I dunno, I heard it some where.
LUMBURGH- Now, dig in.
Everyone starts making sandwiches. Betty grabs a slice of bread and the mayonnaise jar.
BETTY- Oh, these darn jars and their seals. Can someone please open this seal?
DON- I’ll get that, Betty.
Don opens the jar. A dark smoke comes out of it. Don and Betty grab their throats, gagging and dying violently.
TRACIE- Don! Betty!
BUDDY- What happened to them? What pestilence was behind that seal?
LUMBURGH- I don’t know, but it’s killed a third of us.
All the characters freeze as the announcer speaks. Music fades up.
ANNOUNCER- It’s a story so shocking, so urgent, so timely, it’s guaranteed to capitalize on the current Left Behind mania. THE LEFT OVERS… coming soon to a theater near you.
Black out.
A Left Behind parody by John Cosper, available at www.areyoualeftover.com
Copyright 2005 by Sunday School Dropouts