Kissing My Sister
By Jack & Gretchen Hall
Hear the skit now on Tatooine TV Episode 25: Yoda's Creek!
CHARACTERS
Announcer
Luke Skywalker
Ben Kenobi
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, George Lucas can't seem to leave things well enough alone. Next year, Mr. Lucas has decided to re-release his original Star Wars trilogy, this time as the Extra-Special Editions, with even more new scenes added in. Most of the changes will be minor, but there is one big moment added back in to Return of the Jedi. And today, you're getting a sneak preview of the original, uncut Dagobah scene, when Luke Skywalker learns the identity of his twin sister...
Luke and Ben sit on a log.
LUKE- Yoda spoke of another.
BEN- The other he spoke of is your twin sister.
LUKE- But I have no sister.
BEN- Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.
LUKE- Leia! Leia is my sister!
BEN- Your insights serve you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do you credit. But they could--
LUKE- WHOA!!!
BEN- Excuse me, I was making a point?
LUKE- Oh my gosh... oh my GOSH!!
BEN- Something the matter?
LUKE- Ben, Leia is my sister!!
BEN- Yes.
LUKE- She's my sister!
BEN- Yes, I know. We covered that.
LUKE- I kissed my sister!
BEN- You what?
LUKE- I kissed my SISTER!
BEN- That's not uncommon for a brother and a sister to show affection with a kiss.
LUKE- I kissed her on the LIPS, Ben!
BEN- When did this happen?
LUKE- On the Death Star! She and I were on a ledge. The bridge was out, so I threw a rope and she held on and before we swung across--
BEN- You kissed her?
LUKE- No, no technically... she kissed me. You know, "for luck."
BEN- In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.
LUKE- Well, in my experience that would be called pretty BAD luck to kiss your sister.
BEN- Right, well, as I was saying, bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They do--
LUKE- WHOA!!!
BEN- Now what?
LUKE- HOLY CRAP!! I forgot about Hoth!!
BEN- What about Hoth?
LUKE- (gagging) Ewww!!
Luke gets on his knees starts gagging. He scoops swamp water in his mouth and gargles and spits.
BEN- What's wrong now?
LUKE- I kissed her again. A couple years later, we were on Hoth, she and Han were having this fight, and then she grabbed me and that time (gagging) OH MY--
Luke gargles and spits some more nasty swamp water.
BEN- Are you feeling okay?
LUKE- I kissed my sister!!
BEN- So you keep saying.
LUKE- No, I mean I FRENCH-kissed her, Ben! I FRENCHED my sister!!
BEN- You know, it's not doing you any good to dwell on this.
LUKE- You! You did this to me! You've known all along! Haven't you?
BEN- What, that you were hot for your sister?
LUKE- You KNEW on Tatooine that I was looking at a film of my own sister and you NEVER TOLD ME?
BEN- That's not important, Luke.
LUKE- Not important??? Telling the poor, never-been-kissed farm boy that the hot, sexy princess he's flying off to rescue is his fine lookin' sister is NOT IMPORTANT?
BEN- It's not like I knew you'd stick your tongue down her throat!
LUKE- Then what the heck is that stupid Force good for if you can't stop your student from FRENCHING HIS SISTER???
BEN- Can we finish this so you can go kill your father?
LUKE- Kill my father? Right! Sure! As soon as he finds out I made out with my sister, he's gonna kill ME!
BEN- You know, Luke... forget it. Just forget it! Go fight Vader, get yourself killed. We've got another Jedi to train in Leia, so if you can't kill Daddy, maybe she can.
Ben stands, walks off.
LUKE- Yeah whatever. Train my sister, see if I care. (beat) Just make sure you don't mention the fact she played tonsil hockey with her BROTHER!!!