Judge Gone Wild

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Trish Keibler- A news reporter

Carrie Flowers- A Supreme Court nominee

Senators Birch, Miller, McKinley- Judiciary committee members

TV Announcer (voice)

Wacky Guy- Host of "Girls Gone Wild" (voice)

Young Carrie (voice)

Photographers and other media types (optional)

The stage is set like a Senate hearing room. Carrie sits at a table with a microphone. The Senators sit on a raised platform behind their own long table. If possible, photographers are scattered behind Carrie. A small TV is down center, facing backstage. TV news show-type music plays.

ANNOUNCER: This is Cable News. August 8, 2036. Now, live in Washington, here's Trish Keibler.

Trish enters with a microphone.

TRISH: Welcome back. The Senate Judiciary Committee is in its third day of hearings for Supreme Court nominee Carrie Flowers, and while both parties have expressed approval for Mrs. Flowers as a judge, Senator Edward Birch has promised a bombshell in today's round of questioning.

Trish exits.

MILLER: Judge Flowers, I want you to know I had my reservations coming into these hearings. We don't need partisan thinkers who are going to legislate from the bench. But in these hearings, we have found you to be a fair-minded woman with great integrity and moral character.

FLOWERS: Thank you, Senator. My parents raised me to love God and love others. And I have lived by their high moral standards all my life.

MILLER: Mr. MicKinley, I yield the rest of my time to the chair.

MCKINLEY: Thank you, Mr. Miller. That concludes this round of questioning. If there are no objections, we can move into the next phase of this process.

BIRCH: Mr. McKinley? If I may have a moment to take the floor.

MCKINLEY: The chair recognizes the Senator from Massachusetts.

BIRCH: Thank you. Mrs. Flowers, we all know you to be a good wife and mother.

FLOWERS: That is correct.

BIRCH: You support ten different charities. You vote your conscience versus the party. You're an evangelical Christian from Alabama who is best friends with your gay neighbors.

FLOWERS: Tammy and Judy are great Americans, Senator.

BIRCH: I bet they are. However, this hearing is about you and your fitness to sit on the highest bench. And last night, I found reason to doubt your qualifications when I put this video into my machine!

Senator Birch holds up a DVD of "Girls Gone Wild." The photographers gasp and start snapping faster.

MILLER: Senator, forgive my interruption, but is that a "Girls Gone Wild" video?"

BIRCH: Yes, Mr. Miller, it is.

MCKINLEY: Mr. Birch, what does that video have to do with these confirmation hearings, as if I couldn't guess?

BIRCH: If I may direct everyone's attention to the television?

Senator Birch picks up a remote control and aims it at the TV. Calypso music plays.

WACKY GUY: (voice) Welcome to Girls Gone Wild, Spring Break 2006, where wacky, horny coeds from all over the country have come to Panama City for the party of a lifetime. Hey there, little coed, what's your name and where are you from?

CARRIE: (voice) I'm Carrie from Alabama, woooo!

WACKY GUY: (voice) Hi, Carrie. I dare you to flash our camera.

CARRIE: (voice) Okay. WOOOOOOOOO! YEAH!

Senator Birch turns off the TV. The room is all abuzz now. Senator McKinley bangs his gavel.

MCKINLEY: Order! This room will come to order!

BIRCH: Mrs. Flowers, was that you on that video?

FLOWERS: Uh, yes, Senator, it was.

BIRCH: And were those your tater tots we saw on that video?

FLOWERS: Yes they-- Well, I wouldn't exactly call them tater tots.

MILLER: I would.

BIRCH: Mrs. Flowers, can you explain to us why we should consider you for the Supreme Court, given what we just saw?

FLOWERS: I dunno. I was young, it was spring break, and I was a little drunk.

BIRCH: A little drunk? A few moments ago, you told us how your parents raised you to be a moral person. And now you want us to excuse this video because you were a little drunk?

FLOWERS: Oh come on. I was a little rebellious in college. You guys went through that stage, right?

MCKINLEY: (looking at Birch) Some of us never grow out of it. Where did you get that tape, Ed?

BIRCH: My "Girls Gone Wild" collection is not on trial here. She is.

MILLER: You have more of these? I wanna borrow some!

BIRCH: Later, Bill.

FLOWERS: This is insane. So what if I went off and got wild over spring break? What does that have to do with anything? We wouldn't know about this if Senator Dirty Old Man wasn't watching those videos.

BIRCH: Watch your mouth, Mrs. Small-Berries.

MCKINLEY: Order! That's enough, Ed. Mrs. Flowers, while I certainly agree with your assessment that my colleagues are a couple of perverts, it is you whose integrity is in question. This may seem like an insignificant little thing--

MILLER: Try two insignificant little things.

FLOWERS: It is insignificant! It was one stupid night, and if I had known it would be brought up all these years later, I never would have done it.

MCKINLEY: It's a shame you didn't think about that at the time. This committee will recess for lunch.

The Senators stand to leave. Carrie Flowers hides her head in her hands as the photographers snap away. Trish enters.

TRISH: Shocking revelations from the past threaten to derail yet another Supreme Court candidate. For Cable News, I'm Trish Keibler.

Trish exits, as does Senator McKinley. Senators Birch and Miller walk downstage, where Birch collects his video.

MILLER: Boy, Trish is hot.

BIRCH: She was on "Girls Gone Wild", too.

MILLER: I gotta see that!

BIRCH: Come on, we'll pick it up on the way to Hooters.

Birch and Miller exit. Blackout.

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