Trey Aiken appears on stage, lip syncing "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

ANNOUNCER- In 2001 a television program broke the air waves that led an entire nation down the fire and brimstone path of idolatry. This wicked show, created by the ungodly Brit who afflicted the world with the cancer that is the Spice Girls, told an entire nation - nay, the world - that talent should be worshipped rather than used in worship. Now, the time has come once again to take something unholy and evil, and remake it in Jesus' Name!

Trey exits. "The Hallelujah Chorus" plays.

ANNOUNCER- The most blessed entertainment endeavor since The Passion of the Christ beams into your living room this fall as Holy Roller TV presents... "The Christian Person Who Sings Good But We Do Not Idolize Them." That's right, it's the same show, and the same format, just much less sinful. You'll be blessed to hear the dozens of young talents who auditioned for us across the country...

Contestant #1 enters, sings "Big House."

ANNOUNCER- And the contestants will be blessed by the prayerful guidance of our panel of judges, featuring record producer Simon Peter Cowell.

SPC enters, sits in his chair, arms folded.

SPC- (prays) Dear Lord, may my words be your words as I encourage this young soul. (to the contestant) That was pathetic!

The contestant exits in tears. Contestant #2 enters.

ANNOUNCER- Your heart will soar to hear the next generation of Clay Crosses and Twila Parises invest their talents.

Contestant 2 sings "Jesus Freak."

SPC- You know, it's lucky for you there's no purgatory or else you'd never get out. In fact with a voice like that, you'd probably be employed there.

Contestant 2 exits, devastated. Contestant 3 enters.

ANNOUNCER- Our semi-finalists will be housed in 2 dorms - one for boys, one for girls. No questionable moral conflicts here. Just holy talent and holy guidance.

Contestant 3 sings "Sadie Hawkins Dance."

SPC- I'd love to suggest that you could drive the church van, but as lost as you got in that song, I can't imagine what you'd do with a van load of senior citizens.

ANNOUNCER- They'll train for weeks on singing, interpretive movement, worshipful stage presence, and how to make hand gestures that show you are full of the spirit. And it will happen under the watchful eyes of our godly judges.

Contestant 4 sings "Wait For Me" by Rebecca St James.

SPC- You know what I'm waiting for? I'm waiting for you to hit a right note! To the nursery with you!

Contestant 4 exits, crying. Contestant 5 enters.

ANNOUNCER- And you'll go along as our contestants are taught to dress in a relevant, non-sinful way by our wardrobe department.

Contestant 5 sings "Friends."

SPC- The Lord is the Lord of both of us, but with a voice like that, we will NEVER be friends!

Contestant 5 exits, ruined. Contestant 6 enters.

ANNOUNCER- But unlike that OTHER show, our non-winners won't go away empty-handed, but blessed with Christian counsel on where they might better use their talents.

Contestant 6 sings "Always There for You" by Stryper.

SPC- Here's an idea. You wanna serve the Lord? Go out and sign up for one of those devil rock bands. Your voice is so bad, you'll end up doing more for God by singing against him!

Contestant 6 exits, devastated. Contestant 7 enters.

ANNOUNCER- And when the last note is sung, your prayerfully considered votes will help us select a new, fresh face not to worship, but to lead worship.

Contestant 7 sings "I Can Only Imagine."

SPC- You know, I can only imagine what it would be like for you if there were no grace. Without the crucifixion, there would be no way you could EVER atone for the evil you just did to that song!

Contestant 7 exits, wailing.

SPC- Well it's true!

ANNOUNCER- It's fresh, it's hip. It's what the world is doing, so why aren't we? The Christian Person Who Sings Good But We Do Not Idolize Them, coming soon to TV. And be sure to look for all kinds of tie-in merchandise from The Christian Person Who Sings Good But We Do Not Idolize Them, including the compilation CD, book, DVD, T-shirts, witness bracelets, worship CD, devotional, devotional study guide, leader's guide to the devotional study guide, Christmas CD, and the special Christian Person Who Sings Good But We Do Not Idolize Them Veggie Tales episode, all sold where ever you buy your Christian merchandise!