Hophni and Phineas Are Dead

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Pastor Mike Scrooge

Angie- Pastor Mike's mistress

Hophni and Phineas- Sons of Eli, the High Priest

The setting is a nice office, with books stacked on a desk and a computer or laptop. A woman's shoe is on the desk and another on the floor. Angie enters in a skirt and blouse which she is buttoning.

ANGIE- Oh here they are.

MIKE- (off) Find them?

ANGIE- Sure did.

MIKE- (walking on, buttoning his shirt) Where?

ANGIE- (putting her shoes on) Right where they oughta be, I guess.

MIKE- So flustered, can't even remember where you left your shoes.

ANGIE- (buttoning one of Mike's buttons) I was busy undressing you when I kicked them off. Of course I was distracted.

They kiss.

MIKE- So when can I see you next?

ANGIE- Hmmm... tomorrow night is definitely out. Wednesday we'll see each other, but not the right time.

MIKE- Right.

ANGIE- I could get away Thursday after work.

MIKE- Thursday? No, got a meeting.

ANGIE- Til when?

MIKE- Seven.

ANGIE- I'll call you, see if the coast is clear.

MIKE- Sounds like a plan.

ANGIE- Call me tonight when your wife is asleep?

MIKE- Don't I always?

ANGIE- Good. (kisses him) Talk to you then.

MIKE- Good bye, my darling.

Angie exits.

MIKE- Well... (claps and rubs hands together) Better start on next week's sermon.

Mike walks around the desk and sits. He opens the Bible, then looks at a notebook.

MIKE- Where did I leave off? Ah, 1 Samuel 2. Let's see... "Eli's sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the Lord..." Blah, blah, blah... "This sin of the young men was very great in the Lord's sight..." Yadda, yadda... "Eli heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting." Whoa, don't know if we can read THAT part with the kids in there. "Now a man of God came to Eli and said to him...'The Lord declares: "The time is coming when I will cut short your strength and the strength of your father's house..."'" Blah, blah, vengeance... "'And what happens to your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, will be a sign to you-they will both die on the same day."'"

Mike lets out a slow whistle.

MIKE- Pretty harsh words. Now how do I relate that to the congregation of today? How does this apply to Joe Schmo, church goer? (shrugs) Heck if I know. Maybe I can skip to David and Goliath.

A wind whistles! Chains rattle.

HOPHNI- (ghost-like) Scrooooooge!!!! Scrooooooge!!!

MIKE- What? Who's there?

PHINEAS- (ghost-like) Pastor Michael Scrooooooge!!!

Hophni and Phineas enter in rags, burdened with chains.

MIKE- What the Dickens? Who are you guys?

HOPHNI- I am the son of Eli known as Hophni.

PHINEAS- (ghostly) And I am Phineas!

MIKE- You're the ones in the story!

HOPHNI- Yes we are, Pastor Scrooge!

MIKE- And you've come to help me discover its meaning, how it relates to today? That's great! (gets his notebook ready) I'm all ears.

PHINEAS- Beware! Beware the sinful way you live your life!

MIKE- Hey, that's a good intro. I can use that. But, uh, what's my main point here? Can you help me with that?

HOPHNI- Anyone who ministers before the Lord must not be living in immorality!

MIKE- Immorality... is that with two M's?

PHINEAS- How should we know? We wrote in Hebrew.

MIKE- Right. Okay, tell me, how does this relate to people today?

PHINEAS- Have you not heard? This story is a warning! A waaaaarning!

MIKE- A warning! Got it. A warning for what?

HOPHNI- Pastor Scrooooge, this is your warning to turn from your lecherous ways!

MIKE- Say what?

PHINEAS- He said, it's a warning to turn from your lecherous ways!!

MIKE- I'm sorry... what kind of way?

HOPHNI- (breaking the ghostly character) Oh for crying out loud! We're here to tell you to stop screwing around!!

MIKE- What do you mean?

PHINEAS- Come on, we all know you had a woman in here that wasn't your wife.

MIKE- I did not!

HOPHNI- You've been seeing her for five months! In the office, at the drive-in, on the high school football field! Kids learn about physical fitness there, for crying out loud!

MIKE- Look, even if I was seeing a woman, that's beside the point! I have a sermon to give in six days on this scripture. Now are you guys gonna tell me what it means?

PHINEAS- What do you think we're doing, ya dirty man-whore?

HOPHNI- We were God's servants!! We screwed around! The Lord cursed our family and the two of us got KILLED!! Is that clear enough for you?

MIKE- Okay, but how does that relate to my congregation?

PHINEAS- Because God doesn't want anyone screwing around!! Ministers, lay people, it's all sin! Do you get it?

MIKE- Well... no.

Hophni and Phineas smack their foreheads in frustration.

MIKE- But hey, you guys are just the intro, right? I get three more spirits to help me write this sermon, don't I?

HOPHNI- There are no more spirits!! Just us!!

PHINEAS- Stop screwing around! Repent, and live a holy life or get slaughtered in battle like we did!

MIKE- So when's the next spirit arrive?

Hophni and Phineas shake their heads and exit.

MIKE- Guys? Seriously, when's the next spirit coming? (checks his watch) Hope it's after midnight. I have to call Angie.

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