Church Office Space: The Holiday Service

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Pastor Lumburgh

Don, Russ, Bob- Elders

Pastor Lumburgh is seated at the church conference table with the elders.

LUMBURGH- Okay, time to vote. All in favor?

ALL- I!!

LUMBURGH- Opposed?

Pause, silence.

LUMBURGH- Then the measure is approved. We will remove all Veggie Tales materials from the elementary department. Hopefully our kids will get back to eating their, uh, vegetables at home.

RUSS- Boy, I hope so!

LUMBURGH- Okay, next piece of business. Don?

DON- Thank you, Pastor Lumburgh. As you all know it's the beginning of December, and the holiday service weekend is fast approaching.

RUSS- What a treat! Our attendance doubles every year that weekend!

DON- That it does. There's a whole group of people out there that only come on Christmas and Easter, and we have to figure out a way to bring them back.

LUMBURGH- Ooh, yeah, uh... I'm inclined to go agree with you there, Don. You see, this church needs some new blood if we're going to go forward, and uh... there's no better time to do that than at our holiday service.

DON- This year's holiday service has to be bigger and better than ever! We've gotta wow these people! Make them want to come back!

BOB- But how do we do that?

DON- I'll tell you how! The first hundred new faces that come to each service get a Christmas gift!

RUSS- Perfect! But we better call it a holiday gift. Don't want to offend anyone with the C word.

LUMBURGH- Great, great. And, uh, what gift will we be giving away?

RUSS- How about a coupon? The first hundred seekers get a drink from the coffee bar free! No... half off!

DON- I was thinking in addition to coffee we could offer egg nog that weekend!

LUMBURGH- Oooh, yeah, I like egg nog. Fantastic.

DON- That'll get 'em in the doors. Now how to we keep em?

RUSS- We put on a show! We'll have the drama team do a cutesy little skit that morning. A really funny skit!

DON- How about this... Clark Grizzwold and Cousin Eddie find Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and have to return him to the North Pole Christmas Eve?

LUMBURGH- Oooh, yeah, Christmas Vacation characters, great.

BOB- There ought to be a message to it. Cousin Eddie and Rudolph are great, but what would be the point?

DON- How about don't take drugs?

RUSS- Good idea.

LUMBURGH- Great. Now we should probably have some special music. Don't you think?

DON- I know! How about the youth worship band?

Pause, then everyone starts laughing.

RUSS- Wow, you had me. For a second, I thought you were serious.

DON- Please! Those unkempt losers may be the future of the church, but the future is not now!

LUMBURGH- I'm thinking we need the children's choir, mmkay? You see if the kids go on stage we get that "aww" factor, and it makes us look like a family place.

RUSS- Ah, excellent. But what should they sing?

BOB- "Away in a Manger"?

LUMBURGH- Oooh, yeah, I'm gonna have to sort of disagree with you there? You see the traditional carols are for churches that still have hymnals. We're too edgy for that.

RUSS- I know! How about, "Happy birthday, Jesus"?

BOB- That's a song?

LUMBURGH- Hmm, yeah, it's related to the holiday, and yet it's not. That'll be great. Any other thoughts?

DON- What about a ballerina? A little dance to finish off the service?

LUMBURGH- Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but let's call it interpretive movement, mmkay? No dancing in church.

RUSS- We could put a live nativity on stage! Everyone loves seeing a baby!

LUMBURGH- Yeah, that's great. We'll put them on stage with the ballerina, right when the kids start to sing.

BOB- And then to finish off the service, we give an invitation! Right away, offer them a chance to meet the Savior who died for their sins.

DON- What?

RUSS- Are you crazy??

LUMBURGH- Yeah, I'm gonna have to sort of disagree with you again? You see if we mention sin or Hell or anything like that, we're gonna lose everyone we just brought back in. And what is it we really want?

DON- More butts in the seats!

RUSS- More cash in the plate!

DON- An even bigger building!

LUMBURGH- A book deal!

RUSS- A larger kids choir next year!

LUMBURGH- Yeah, because let's face it, church is all about growth.

BOB- Of course. What was I thinking?

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