Church Office Space: The Holiday
Service
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Pastor
Lumburgh
Don, Russ,
Bob- Elders
Pastor
Lumburgh is seated at the church conference table with the elders.
LUMBURGH-
Okay, time to vote. All in favor?
ALL- I!!
LUMBURGH-
Opposed?
Pause,
silence.
LUMBURGH-
Then the measure is approved. We will remove all Veggie Tales materials from
the elementary department. Hopefully our kids will get back to eating their,
uh, vegetables at home.
RUSS- Boy,
I hope so!
LUMBURGH-
Okay, next piece of business. Don?
DON- Thank
you, Pastor Lumburgh. As you all know it's the beginning of December, and the
holiday service weekend is fast approaching.
RUSS- What
a treat! Our attendance doubles every year that weekend!
DON- That
it does. There's a whole group of people out there that only come on Christmas
and Easter, and we have to figure out a way to bring them back.
LUMBURGH-
Ooh, yeah, uh... I'm inclined to go agree with you there, Don. You see, this
church needs some new blood if we're going to go forward, and uh... there's no
better time to do that than at our holiday service.
DON- This
year's holiday service has to be bigger and better than ever! We've gotta wow
these people! Make them want to come back!
BOB- But
how do we do that?
DON- I'll
tell you how! The first hundred new faces that come to each service get a
Christmas gift!
RUSS-
Perfect! But we better call it a holiday gift. Don't want to offend anyone with
the C word.
LUMBURGH-
Great, great. And, uh, what gift will we be giving away?
RUSS- How
about a coupon? The first hundred seekers get a drink from the coffee bar free!
No... half off!
DON- I was
thinking in addition to coffee we could offer egg nog that weekend!
LUMBURGH-
Oooh, yeah, I like egg nog. Fantastic.
DON-
That'll get 'em in the doors. Now how to we keep em?
RUSS- We
put on a show! We'll have the drama team do a cutesy little skit that morning.
A really funny skit!
DON- How
about this... Clark Grizzwold and Cousin Eddie find Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer and have to return him to the North Pole Christmas Eve?
LUMBURGH-
Oooh, yeah, Christmas Vacation characters, great.
BOB- There
ought to be a message to it. Cousin Eddie and Rudolph are great, but what would
be the point?
DON- How
about don't take drugs?
RUSS- Good
idea.
LUMBURGH-
Great. Now we should probably have some special music. Don't you think?
DON- I
know! How about the youth worship band?
Pause,
then everyone starts laughing.
RUSS- Wow,
you had me. For a second, I thought you were serious.
DON-
Please! Those unkempt losers may be the future of the church, but the future is
not now!
LUMBURGH-
I'm thinking we need the children's choir, mmkay? You see if the kids go on
stage we get that "aww" factor, and it makes us look like a family
place.
RUSS- Ah,
excellent. But what should they sing?
BOB-
"Away in a Manger"?
LUMBURGH-
Oooh, yeah, I'm gonna have to sort of disagree with you there? You see the
traditional carols are for churches that still have hymnals. We're too edgy for
that.
RUSS- I
know! How about, "Happy birthday, Jesus"?
BOB- That's
a song?
LUMBURGH-
Hmm, yeah, it's related to the holiday, and yet it's not. That'll be great. Any
other thoughts?
DON- What
about a ballerina? A little dance to finish off the service?
LUMBURGH-
Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but let's call it interpretive movement,
mmkay? No dancing in church.
RUSS- We
could put a live nativity on stage! Everyone loves seeing a baby!
LUMBURGH-
Yeah, that's great. We'll put them on stage with the ballerina, right when the
kids start to sing.
BOB- And
then to finish off the service, we give an invitation! Right away, offer them a
chance to meet the Savior who died for their sins.
DON- What?
RUSS- Are
you crazy??
LUMBURGH-
Yeah, I'm gonna have to sort of disagree with you again? You see if we mention
sin or Hell or anything like that, we're gonna lose everyone we just brought
back in. And what is it we really want?
DON- More
butts in the seats!
RUSS- More
cash in the plate!
DON- An
even bigger building!
LUMBURGH- A
book deal!
RUSS- A
larger kids choir next year!
LUMBURGH-
Yeah, because let's face it, church is all about growth.
BOB- Of
course. What was I thinking?
Copyright
2005 by Sunday School Dropouts