A Hole in The Head

By Jack & Gretchen Hall

CHARACTERS

Johnny- A disbeliever

Bill- A dumb Christian

The setting is a college community center. Outside a classroom is a sign: "Christians on Campus! Bible Study Tonite!" Bill sits at a table, studying. Johnny enters, sees the sign, and scoffs.

JOHNNY- Unbelievable. I can’t believe in this day and age people still believe in gods. It’s not like we’re in the stone ages any more! Science and technology has gone so far to disprove religion, you would think people would think superstitions would have gone the way of a dodo bird. But like the dodos, every fall I come to campus and get assaulted by Christians telling me I need Jesus! Please! I need Jesus like I need a hole in the head!

Bill looks up in alarm. He jumps up with a text book and smacks Johnny in the head.

JOHNNY- Owww!

BILL- Hold still, buddy, I’ll help you!

Bill smacks him again in the head.

JOHNNY- What in the name of Madeline Murray—

Bill whacks him again.

BILL- I’ll never break the skull with this book! I need something better!

Bill runs off.

JOHNNY- What the heck is going—No, NO!!!

Bill runs in with a hammer, nails Johnny in the head.

JOHNNY- Ohhhhh!!!!!

BILL- Why does this skull have to be so hard?

Bill hits Johnny three more times.

BILL- This isn’t working either!

JOHNNY- The world… is going… dark.

BILL- Hang in there, buddy. I know what to do!

Bill runs away. He runs back on with a power drill, already spinning, and tries to drill a hole in Johnny’s head.

JOHNNY- What are you doing!! Stop it!!

BILL- This’ll go a lot easier if you just let me finish!

JOHNNY- Aaaaaagggh!

Johnny pushes Bill away.

JOHNNY- What do you think you’re doing?

BILL- I was helping you!

JOHNNY- Helping me how?

BILL- Trying to put a hole in your head.

JOHNNY- Why?

BILL- You said you needed it!

JOHNNY- Why would I need a hole in the head?

BILL- I dunno. Fluid in the brain, nostrils plugged up. It’s your head.

JOHNNY- Look, I never said I NEEDED a hole in the head.

BILL- You did too. You said you need it like you need Jesus!

JOHNNY- But I don’t NEED Jesus, or a hole in my head.

BILL- Ohhh… so you were… you meant… oh golly. Now I feel like a goof. Gosh, I am so embarrassed.

JOHNNY- How do you think I feel?

BILL- Man, I am so sorry. I just heard you saying you need Jesus and… well, I know how badly I need Jesus in my life.

JOHNNY- Whatever.

BILL- Hey, roll your eyes if you wanna. But we all have a hole in our hearts only the big guy can fill. It’s just hard to see if you’ve never experienced him.

JOHNNY- Save it, Swaggart. I don’t want your religion.

BILL- Well, okay, but… If you change your mind, (points to the sign) you can join us any time.

Bill gathers his things and leaves. Johnny gets up and composes himself.

JOHNNY- Gosh… and people wonder why we think Christians are idiots. Bible study… please. I need that like I need a kick in the balls.

Bill runs on and obliges Johnny. Johnny falls over in pain.

BILL- Sorry… my bad… again.

Bill runs off.

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