Life in Heck

By Jack Hall

www.sundayschooldropouts.com

CHARACTERS

Peter- A not so bad guy

Doug- Satan’s brother

Karl & Janet- The darned

Karl and Janet sit on stools, drinking beers. An empty stool is between them. A TV is down center, facing the stools. Peter enters from one side, and Doug enters from the other.

PETER: Where am I? What is this place?

DOUG: Hi there.

PETER: Satan?

DOUG: No, not Satan. I'm his nephew Doug.

PETER: What am I doing here? Am I dead?

DOUG: If you’re not, you’re gonna look awfully funny going to work with motorcycle axle wedged inside your ear.

PETER: I’m really dead? I died and went to Hell?

DOUG: Oh no, you’re not in Hell.

PETER: Then where the heck am I?

DOUG: Right where you said.

PETER: Come again?

DOUG: Welcome to Heck.

PETER: Heck?

DOUG: Heck.

PETER: I never heard of Heck.

DOUG: It’s fairly new. We opened this place up in the 70’s, when Hell got too crowded.

PETER: Really?

DOUG: Once they took prayer out of schools and started teaching evolution, we just couldn’t keep up with capacity. So we opened this place up to separate all you fornicators, tax cheats, and cable TV thieves from the fascists, commies, and lawyers.

PETER: So this is Heck?

DOUG: Yeah. What do you think?

PETER: Fake wood paneling... linoleum floors... peeling wallpaper... kinda drab, isn't it?

DOUG: What do you expect? It's Heck.

PETER: I see.

DOUG: Come on over, I’ll introduce you around.

PETER: Thanks.

They walk to the stools.

DOUG: This is Karl.

KARL: Hello.

PETER: Hi.

DOUG: And that's Janet.

PETER: Hello.

JANET: Welcome to the land of the darned.

PETER: Don’t you mean the damned?

DOUG: No, no, the damned are in Hell. This is Heck.

PETER: Right, Heck.

Peter sits on the stool.

PETER: So what happens now? Is there torture, gnashing of teeth, what?

JANET: No, this is pretty much it.

PETER: Really?

KARL: Yeah, we just sit here all day on these stools. Not much to do.

PETER: You'd think there'd be something.

KARL: What do you expect? It's heck.

PETER: Is that a beer?

KARL: You want one?

PETER: Heck, yeah I do!

KARL: Doug?

DOUG: Coming right up.

Doug exits.

PETER: Not the most comfortable seats, huh?

JANET: Nope.

PETER: Do they have any with a back?

JANET: Nope.

PETER: It'd be nice to lean back a little.

JANET: What do you expect? This is Heck.

Doug enters with a beer.

DOUG: Here you go.

PETER: Say, this beer is warm.

He pops the top and takes a sip.

PETER: It's flat too!

JANET: Yup.

PETER: Haven't you got any cool ones?

DOUG: Sorry, the fridge is broken, and there's no plan to repair it.

PETER: So all we have is flat, warm beer?

JANET: Eh, what do you want? You're in Heck.

PETER: Does the TV at least work?

KARL: I guess.

PETER: Anyone have the remote?

JANET: We lost it.

PETER: 'Cause we're in Heck?

KARL: No, we're just lazy and forgetful.

JANET: And there's nothing good on anyway.

PETER: I gotta at least take a peek.

Peter clicks on the TV. The theme from Full House plays. he tries changing channels, but it's on every station. He turns the TV off.

PETER: Full House? Every channel? Every hour?

KARL: Welcome to Heck.

PETER: Boy, what a disappointing place this is.

Karl and Janet get up, take their stools, and walk off stage.

PETER: Where are they going?

DOUG: Off stage.

PETER: That's it? That's the end of the skit?

DOUG: Yep, pretty much.

PETER: What the heck kind of ending is that?

DOUG: Exactly.

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