J. Marshall Heatmiser, Attorney

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Announcer

J. Marshall Heatmiser- A trial attorney

Timmy- A little kid reindeer

Donna- An adult reindeer

ANNOUNCER- Are you a reindeer? Do you live at the North Pole? Did you fly for Santa Claus between 1996 and 2003? If so, you may have been exposed to reindeer chow containing the chemical mistlephetamine. Recent university studies have shown there may be a link between mistlephetamine and any number of reindeer ailments such as fatigue, arthritis, swelling in the hooves, irritable antler syndrome, and hypertension. If you or a loved one has experienced any of these symptoms, call the law offices of J. Marshall Heatmiser.

Heatmiser enters.

HEATMISER- Hi there. I’m J. Marshall Heatmiser. There’s no reason why you should be suffering due to the negligence of a jolly old elf. If you were exposed to mistlephetamine, call me, J. Marshall Heatmiser.

Timmy enters.

TIMMY- I used to think my dad was the greatest. He was part of the most elite flying reindeer team in the world, delivering toys and happiness to children all over the world. Too bad Santa didn’t take better care of him. Now, my dad is sick all the time. His hooves are the size of basketballs, and his antlers are always irritated. What’s even worse, he’s so fatigued, he doesn’t feel like playing reindeer games any more.

HEATMISER- No child should be denied the chance to play reindeer games. Call me, J. Marshall Heatmiser.

Donna enters.

DONNA- My husband used to be so strong and handsome. We had a great life together, and I was so proud when he made it onto Santa’s flying team. If only I had known that three year stint would mean the end of the Blitzen I knew. He can no longer fly, or gallop. And our marriage has suffered. Someone should pay!

HEATMISER- Someone will pay. Santa’s negligence cost you, now let’s see that he pays the bill. If you or a loved one flew for Santa, and was exposed to mistlephetamine, call me, attorney J. Marshall Heatmiser. Let’s tell Santa mistlephetamine put him on the naughty list!

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