When I Grow Up

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Jessica & Michelle - High school students

Mr. Baker - A guidance counselor

Autumn - An honors student

Bucky - A cool redneck

Chet - A jock

Steve - An actor

Tony - A singer

Kevin - A rapper

Jessica passes Michelle in the hall.

MICHELLE- Hey, Jessica.

JESSICA- Hey, Michelle. Where are you headed?

MICHELLE- I got a pass to go see my guidance counselor.

JESSICA- Oh really? I just came from seeing mine.

MICHELLE- Who's your counselor?

JESSICA- Miss Howard, and she's really great.

MICHELLE- That's what I hear. I have Mr. Baker.

JESSICA- Mr. Baker? That stinks.

MICHELLE- Why do you say that?

JESSICA- Just be careful what you say. I hear Mr. Baker can be a little odd.

MICHELLE- What do you mean?

Lights down on stage right. Lights up on stage left. Mr. Baker sits at a desk angled toward stage left. Autumn enters.

AUTUMN- Hello, Mr. Baker.

BAKER- Hello. Autumn, right?

AUTUMN- That's me!

BAKER- Autumn, as your guidance counselor, I'm here to help you be all you can be in your future life. What I wanna know from you is what do you wanna be when you grow up?

AUTUMN- Well, I'm hoping to go to an east coast school. I've taken the SAT's twice, and I plan to take them again. And I've applied for scholarships from--

BAKER- Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah. Let's cut right to the chase. If you could be like anyone, and I mean anyone, who would you wanna be?

AUTUMN- You mean like another person?

BAKER- That's right. Who's your hero?

AUTUMN- Well, I guess my hero would be Hillary Clinton.

BAKER- Hillary, huh? Well, I can certainly help you there. Bucky?

Bucky enters.

BUCKY- Yeah?

BAKER- Congratulations, Bucky, you're marrying Autumn.

BUCKY- Cool!

AUTUMN- What? I'm not marrying him!

BAKER- Why not?

AUTUMN- He's a redneck, and he cheats on every girl he dates.

BAKER- He's also way more popular than you'll ever be. You wanna be like Hillary? This is your future. Next?

Bucky puts his arm around Autumn. She shrugs him off and storms out. Bucky follows. Chet enters.

BAKER- Well, well, Chet Baker, our star athlete. And what do you wanna be when you grow up?

CHET- I wanna set a new home run record like Barry and Mac!

BAKER- Oh that's easy. (writes on a piece of paper) Here's a prescription for steroids, and one for HGH. Next?

Chet exits. Steve enters.

BAKER- Hello, Steve. Who do you want to be like when you grow up?

STEVE- I wanna be a big time movie star like Tom Cruise!

BAKER- Tom Cruise? He's cool. (opens his drawer and gets a book and a bottle of pills) Okay, here's a big bottle of crazy pills, and a copy of Dianetics. Next!

Steve exits. Tony enters.

BAKER- Tony! My man! What do you wanna be when you grow up?

TONY- I wanna be a big pop star like Michael Jackson.

Mr. Baker blows a whistle. Cops barge in and arrest Tony.

TONY- Hey, what's going on here?

BAKER- As if you don't know. Next!

The cops exit with Tony. Kevin enters.

KEVIN- Yo, Mr. Baker.

BAKER- Hey, Kevin. What do you want to do when you grow up?

KEVIN- I wanna be like Tupac.

Mr. Baker pulls out a gun and shoots Kevin.

BAKER- Next?

Michelle enters.

BAKER- Michelle! How are you? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Michelle and Mr. Baker freeze. Jessica enters.

JESSICA- This skit was brought to you by Sunday School Dropouts, who urge you to be careful when choosing your role models in life. It's not likely that you'll find a guidance counselor like Mr. Baker... but better safe than sorry.

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