Sex With Furniture

By Jack Hall

CHARACTERS

Clara & Jim- Parents

Jen- Their daughter

An Announcer

The stage is set like a nice living room. There's a door, and a Lazy Boy recliner. Clara and Jim look out the window by the door.

CLARA: She's here!

JIM: I can't believe it. Our little girl's getting married!

CLARA: Shh, we don't know for sure.

JIM: You could tell by the tone in her voice. "I have something important to tell you guys." What else could it be?

CLARA: Here she comes.

Clara opens the door for Jen. Jen enters.

JEN: Hi, Mom!

CLARA: Jen, it's so good to see you.

JEN: How are you Dad?

JIM: I just have one question: do you want a swan, or a cupid?

JEN: For what?

JIM: The ice sculpture, of course!

CLARA: Jim!

JEN: It's okay. I need to get this out as quickly as possible.

CLARA: You mean it?

JEN: I'm getting married!

Clara and Jim scream and hug their daughter.

CLARA: My daughter's going to be a bride. I can't believe it!

JIM: So where is he? Do we get to meet him?

JEN: Well, it's a funny thing, Dad. You already do know him. Quite well in fact.

JIM: It's Bruce, isn't it? I knew it!

JEN: No, it's not Bruce.

CLARA: Is it Rick? I always liked Rick.

JEN: No, Mom. It's not Rick.

JIM: Then who is it?

JEN: Well, this is kind of awkward. When I first got involved, I never expected I would be marrying him, so I never thought I'd be saying this but... Mom, Dad... I'm in love with Dad's Lazy Boy.

JIM: My chair?

JEN: Yes. Madly.

JIM: So... what's that mean? You and Bruce want the Lazy Boy?

JEN: No, Dad. I want Lazy Boy.

CLARA: Oh my gosh. Jen, please tell me you are joking. This is an absurd joke, right?

JEN: No, Mom. It isn't.

JIM: Clara, this is not funny.

JEN: I'm not joking Dad. It's true. I'm a--

CLARA: Don't say it!

JEN: A Furni-sexual. I am sexually attracted to furniture. There. I'm out. Wow, what a load.

CLARA: I need to sit down.

Clara goes for the Lazy Boy.

JIM: Clara, don't sit on our future son in law.

CLARA: Oh my goodness.

JEN: It's okay, Mom. It's what he does. Nothing sexual about that.

CLARA: What do you mean, nothing sexual? That's what a furni-sexual is, right?

JEN: Oh sure. In fact Lazy Boy and I have been sexually active since last summer.

JIM: You slept with my daughter???

JEN: Daddy, stop it! It's his personal life, and my life too! We're all going to be family, so you better get used to it.

CLARA: Jen, use your head. You can't have children with a chair.

JEN: We can adopt.

JIM: How's he going to support you? He doesn't have any income.

JEN: I'll support him.

CLARA: I'm shocked, Jen. Just shocked. This is not how we raised you to behave!

JEN: I didn't choose to be this way, Mom! I just am!

The actors freeze. An Announcer walks on.

ANNOUNCER: How about that? Humans and furniture getting married. Pretty ridiculous, right? They used to say about a lot of other things. Where are we now? Where will we go next?

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