Not a Fast Food Jesus
By Jack Hall
CHARACTERS
Denny- A narrator type
Kim- A believer of sorts
Jesus- Not really; just a guy who looks like him
Denny enters.
DENNY: You know there's a whole lot of people out there preaching a funny kind of gospel these days. They tell you that Jesus wants to make you rich. They say if you believe in God, you'll make a lot of money, your kids will be healthy and graduate college, you wife will never get fat and ugly, and your team will always win the Super Bowl. Sounds nice, doesn't it? A Messiah who lets you have it your way? You gotta wonder, though, are they describing Jesus or Burger King?
Kim enters. Jesus enters opposite her.
JESUS: Hi there. What can I do for you today?
KIM: Well, I'd like the Prosperity Meal number 3 with a super-sized handsome husband, extra cash in the 401K, and hold the terminal illnesses for family and friends.
JESUS: Okay then, Prosperity Meal number 3, with a super-sized handsome husband, extra cash in the 401K, and hold the terminal illnesses. Do you want a yacht with that?
KIM: No, no yacht. But a second house in the Bahamas would be great?
JESUS: Whatever you want.
KIM: Really? You mean it?
JESUS: Of course I do! I am the Lord, and I say unto thee: Have it your way!
DENNY: Okay, that's enough.
Kim and Jesus freeze.
DENNY: Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to God the Father except through him. Jesus wants us to come as we are, but we need to understand we can no longer have it our way. It has to be his way. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it could be worse. I mean imagine if Jesus was like Taco Bell.
Kim and Jesus unfreeze. Jesus wipes his nose noisily on his sleeve.
JESUS: Yeah, what do you want?
KIM: Well, I'd like health, wealth, and happiness with a side of prosperity. And a super-sized handsome husband to go.
JESUS: (grabs a bag of food) Here you go.
KIM: What's that?
JESUS: Bean burrito.
KIM: I didn't order a bean burrito.
JESUS: Yeah you did.
KIM: I asked for health, wealth, and happiness with a side of prosperity and a super-sized handsome husband to go!
JESUS: Nope, I heard you say bean burrito.
KIM: I don't want a bean burrito.
JESUS: Then why'd you order one?
KIM: I asked for health, wealth, and happiness with a side of prosperity and a super-sized handsome husband!!
JESUS: For here or to go?
KIM: TO GO!!!
JESUS: (hands her another bag) There you go, come back again.
KIM: I don't want another burrito!
JESUS: Then why'd you order another one?
KIM: I wanna speak to the manager!
JESUS: I am the manager!
KIM: Then give me what I ordered!
JESUS: Sorry, no refunds.
Jesus exits. Kim exits.
DENNY: If your children ask for bread, who among you would give him a rock? Your heavenly Father knows what you need, and he will give it to you. No, Jesus is definitely not like Taco Bell.
KIM: (off) I don’t want a bean burrito!!!
It only feels that way some times.